I am excited. Planning my move. Packing up boxes, giving stuff away, shipping stuff to Texas... and all the while, trying not to think about what it's no real use to think about. Chris getting deployed.

Over the next two years, the length of our time together will only be based on luck. Bad luck. Two more years in the army. The only one in his class not to already be sent there. And I can only hold on to the small chance that he might not get sent at all. But the realist (or the pessimist) in me, is also trying to face it a little. Realize that I may not get to celebrate my first year anniversary with the man I love. That we may miss Christmas together in our first year of marriage. His birthday.

For now, we are buying a car, renting a home, figuring out when to visit our families together, when to buy some new furniture. But it is always there. On the tip of our tongue and the edge of our conversations. We talk about our future, but seem to mostly discuss the next few months and the following years... careful to skip over the next two years, because we may actually be spending a good part of that time together/apart... as it will be if he is deployed.

I know the people who love me think I'm a little nuts. Wonder why, if I had a choice, I would get involved now... marry him now.... move to him now...

But simply, my life is more with him. I am more of me, with him.

I have loved this adventure. This city, this country, this job... it has beat me senseless and increased my strength. And although I will not be sad to leave Korea, I will always be appreciative for what I learned in my time living here. I learned that there is no mystery in living in a country that is not your own. That you will find comforts, surround yourself in things you love, learn... no matter where you are. It has taught me that as independent as I am, and as much as that knowledge has definite benefits, that you need others. That the people in your life are what make your life.

But most of all, I have learned that you can't fear the next step or the future. Nothing is ever as hard, or as easy, as you think it will be.

And I know that we'll get through everything that is to come.

I love you. I'll see you in 30 days.

One month today!!

Okay, I'm freaking excited!! It's one month today til I get to be with Chris again!!

ONE MONTH!!! 30 DAYS!!

Sorry... I might be just a little bit excited...

:o)

The law of attraction...

Throughout my years in my university psych program, something always rang false in the textbooks and lectures. I struggled with it for a long time and thought that perhaps I just wasn't as committed to a future in psych as I had thought previously, and although this may have been somewhat true, I think I have figured out what it is that rang so false for me.

I have never reallly believed in the idea that 'diagnosing people', forcing them to name their illness and labeling them as such helps people at all. Although I understand the need to categorize and understand the present and past, I don't think that it helps to move a person in any positive direction in the future by anchoring them to their prior negative behaviours. Certainly, understanding the symptoms and causes of a mental illness can help those around the person respond more positively to them, but why do we not consider the damage that it does to label someone in the first place?

Much of psychology and sociology has embraced the basics of the idea of 'The Law of Attraction' which when related to human beings often means that the things you focus on will be attracted to you. Some take this to the extremes (as will always happen) and say that anything you wish for can come true, or that a higher power such as God makes these things occur. But at it's most stripped down point, the Law of Attraction simply means that what you focus on, you create, because your thoughts lead to actions in yourself and those around you that lead in that direction.

For example, if you truly believe you are or really want to become fit and in shape, you will. When you focus on the thoughts 'I am fat, I should lose weight', you focus only on the weight, and you are guaranteed to put more on or keep from losing any. Your thoughts will focus on the weight, on food, on your 'weak willpower', on your failure. However, talk to anyone you know who is really healthy and fit... (and no, rail thin and counting calories all the time does not mean 'fit'... thin and healthy are not automatically related)... and you will find that they don't think about food all the time because they 'know' they are fit and healthy. They do healthy things, think about healthy things. They walk up the stairs because it feels good and because they 'know' that they are fit, not because if they walk up the stairs they'll lose three pounds (such thoughts guarantee that the stairs willl look more daunting then they are).

The law of attraction is the idea that if you want something, really do, then you will make it happen. If you want to be happy and healthy, you will be. But only if you honestly want it... because many are simply more comfortable with thinking of themselves as sad and incapable. It is often refered to in psych as a self-fulfilling prophecy and you can see it play out all over the place in human relationships, both with others and with ourselves.

So this is where the break for me comes with conventional psychology. The pressure to diagnose someone, and in our culture, to push medication as the first response, negates the essential importance of how that person views themself. If I am a depressive, isn't it essential that I learn how to view myself as a healthy person? Shouldn't that be the main focus of my treatment?

I was always so confused by this break in my education. I simply didn't understand. Surely, diagnosing and categorizing makes it neat... makes psychology almost passable as a science... but the truth is that it is not a science. Nor should it strive to be. The study of humans should teach you one thing, that we are at once completely predictable, and completely unpredictable. And we all reside somewhere in the grey. And thank god for that!!

I have long thought about going back and doing my Master's in Psych... but I am afraid that I'll find myself struggling again with this contradiction in the practice. Since I began teaching, I have recognized several of my students as having autistic and/or hyperactive tendencies. And although a clear diagnosis would give me a better understanding of how to teach them, what damage would that label do to them? Many would come to regaurd them as 'slow learners' or 'troublemakers' anyhow, and would not look through the label to what is there. Incredibly creative, kind individuals that simply need a different way to be taught. In every class I have ever taught, I have made a mental choice to treat the most 'badly behaved' kid as one of the 'best behaved'. I would ignore the bad behaviour (except when it was physically dangerous to their peers, which is a pretty rare occurance) and would praise them above and beyond when they did something positive. Every single time this has worked. Every single time. And it amazes me each time that it does. Does my believing that that child can be good make God make him good? No, its so much more simple than that. I believe he is good, I treat him as though he is good, and then he believes that he is also good. Eventually, the belief becomes reality because my behaviour helps to change his.
I am not a psychologist or even all that great of a teacher... I simply focused on the behaviour I would ideally like him to exhibit, and gave him a safe place to show this side of himself that he wanted to show all along.

We do this all the time in relationships. When we mistrust our partner, assume that they are lying or being deceitful, irresponsible, or immature, they act that way all the more. Does this mean that we directly make them such? No, of course they are responsible for their own behaviour, but if we assume the worst, it does tend to come about.

A friend of mine had told me about this movie and book called "The Secret", and I have to say that I was totally skeptical cause I'm a realist to the point of being a pessimist. And although I will say that the movie (which you can download to most computers from the internet) was a bit cheesy at times, the core message is simple. Things you focus on, you attract.

Some will take this to mean that you can heal yourself of all illness and/or make yourself rich... but I think that in everyday practice it means that it's up to you where you put your energy and emotion. If you are ill, and you focus on the hour of ache and pain rather than the moment of relief and happiness, you will have more hours of aches and pains.

I think that everyone knows it on some level, but it is a bit scary to think about it and totally embrace it because it means that if you are not happy with your current situation, then you are the only reason you are in it to begin with and it's up to you to fix it. That is terrifying. It's not that bad things don't happen to good people, because they do, and often, and through no fault of your own. But those types of 'bad things' are things you had no control over whatsoever... and to be honest, there are very few of those things out there once you think about them. Most of our misery is self induced, somewhere along the line.

Anyways, that's just my two cents for the day... you can think I'm on the mark, or I'm full of it, either way, you'd be right...

It's only ever been about perception.

Out of sorts in Seoul...

It is only Monday, but I can already feel the week getting away from me. I spent a great deal of time this past week reconnecting with family and friends that I've lost a bit of touch with. I received some bad news about some very important people in my life, and Christian is out in the field for another week, so our talk time is quite limited. All of this has sort of accumulated to make me feel quite out of sorts.

It is so hard to be so far from the people you love, especially when they are going through something difficult. The natural reaction to reach out them physically has to be stifled, and you have to make do with phone calls and emails, which always seem impersonal in comparison.

Helpless, is probably the best word to describe it. I know that there isn't necessarily a whole lot I could do being there (and in this case, I would actually have to be in three countries at once), but it is difficult to come with terms with being so far away.

I think that my feelings about being so far from Christian and my family was something that I couldn't even really be honest with myself about up until recently, because it was simply too much to take in. I was determined to give my new school/job a shot, and I was afraid that I wasn't yet ready to make the move back to North America, but I know now that this decision is exactly right for me and I am so excited to be with Christian soon and to be on the same continent as my family again.

I will still be about a 9 hour flight from my family, but the time difference won't be an issue any more and now that my mom got the webcam going on their end, I'll be able to see them as well. I can't wait!!

On my way home this past summer, I was sure I was just homesick a bit, but once I got off the plane and saw my family standing their, I new that someone was missing from the group of people that I was so excited to see.... Christian.

Now I will get to go there and explore a new chapter in my life. Same journey, different road... but isn't that how all the best stories start? A turn in the road you weren't expecting?

The people I love most in the world are in Canada, the U.S., Korea, and Australia, and I'll be getting to see them all again in the next couple of months!! Have to say that I can't think of a trip I am more excited to take than the one that begins when I get on that plane in Seoul on February 27th!!

Love and miss you all and I'll see you soon!!!

Another fun weekend in Seoul...

I spent some time in Itaewon and Insadong this weekend, and I missed Christian like CRAZY! Insadong was one of 'our places'. The new art installations were so 'Chris' that I can't even explain. I miss you. So much. Just over a month to go!!! Woo hoo!!

The way things are...

I have just over a month left in Korea, and I am sooooo excited to be starting the next chapter in my life.

For now, the man I love is trying to fall asleep in a tent somewhere in El Paso during a major cold streak in the area. I try to call him as much as possible to keep his spirits up and because hearing his voice always lifts mine. He is in field-training with the army, and I am still thousands of miles away, but everything in perspective. He is not in Iraq, and I will be with him soon.

Everything in perspective...

This is hard. I want my family to meet him and spend time with him. I want so much for them to understand why moving to marry him, be with him, continue our lives together, why it is so right. They love me, and they know I'm happy, but they don't yet truly know him, and that makes me sad because once they do, I know they'll love him like I do.

I can't wait to meet his family and friends in Chicago, and finally put a face to the stories and things I know about them through him.

For now, we will take it one day at a time. I will get off the plane. I will let him hold me when I cry. I will not let him go.

We will find a house that we can make into a home. We will make dinner together and pick out movies and read beside each other in bed. We will try not to take the simple things for granted after missing out on those things after all these months of being apart.

And in March, I will stand beside him, in front of a Texas judge, and tell him that I choose him, with every breath I take, just as he has said to me, every chance he gets.

I choose you. For everything that has been, and everything to come. I give to you everything that I am, everything that I have. I promise to always be present in this relationship. To always stay in the room. To keep learning together. To remember that the places, the travel, the adventures meant nothing, when you were not there.

To love you, always.

I'm not usually a big fan of any book that ends up in the 'self help' or 'inspirational' sections of the bookstore, cause I usually find them pretty cheesy (this is ironic because I used to help buy books for this section of the bookstore I worked at back home and I have a degree in psychology... but isn't life only interesting because of the contradictions?)...

anyways, despite this, I'm reading Tuesdays With Morrie because I wanted a feel good book and I found it at my favourite used bookstore in Seoul after school one day. I LOVE the following excerpts from it:
____________________________
"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. you want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted."...

So which side wins, I ask?

"Which side wins?"

"Love wins. Love always wins."
____________________________

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they are chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."
___________________________

I want to be a musician, I say. Piano player.

"Wonderful," he says. "But that's a hard life."

"Still," he says, "if you really want it, then you'll make your dream happen."
__________________________

This book has got me thinking a lot about the choices that we make in our lives and the degree to which we take personal responsibility for both the choices and their results. We do not have a right to only take responsibility for the choices that work out well in the end, although almost all of us have a tendency to do that. However our life is now, whatever has happened, we are responsible for it. For who we are in this moment. The things that we work towards are the things that are important to us, even if we want to believe that we want something more grande or more humble. If we truly want to live with humility, we will. If we truly want to be giving and honest person, we will. It has always been that simple.

For years, I have lived to move forward. That was my goal. Make a name for myself, be financially independent, learn more, do more. But the things that I tried to convince myself that I really wanted, I wasn't working towards. Not really. I had too much of what I didn't really need. It's true I have always worked hard for my money, but I had too much of it at any point in time to be able to really know what I needed, the basics, to be happy.

For the first time in my entire working life (which started at about 15 or 16), I will be unemployed. The first time. When I leave Korea to go to Texas and marry Christian, I will be without a job for the first time while I apply for a working visa. Even just a month back, the knowledge of this made me break into cold sweats. I have always had money for whatever I wanted. I prided myself on the fact that it never came from my parents or any boyfriend. I prided myself on the fact that I had earned it, and therefore (cause this was my reasoning) deserved it. But by always having access to things you want, you don't really think about what you really need. What it is exactly that makes you happy. I was always working to have more money. But with money, I would just buy more stuff. More of a buffer from the basics. From me.

As I pack up my boxes to ship to Christian, to the 'home' that we are going to build together, I realize that there is so few things here that really connect me to myself.

I am not a big shopper to begin with, and so probably have less 'stuff' then most, but looking around at it now, I wonder why I have most of it at all.

I have always known what I've needed.

-Books. I love books. Pens and journals to write.
-Good tea.
-Pictures of the people I love. That I've grown more distant from then I ever meant to.
-My laptop that connects me to the people I love while I'm here, on the other side of the world.
-Artwork that Chris has drawn for me, some of them of me. In them, I see something that I never really believed existed in myself, and when I look at them I see a man that really sees me.

The rest is diversions. I don't mean silly things in the sense that most people mean it. I don't mean goofy books or silly pictures, because those things are actually part of the list above. I mean true 'diversions'. Things that keep me from the things that are really important to me.

Whenever I tried before to imagine my life, both with the men I loved and without, it always involved 'stuff'. Houses we would build, cars we would drive, things we would fill the houses and our time with that would require money more than thought. But when I think about my future with Chris, the 'things' don't matter. It becomes all about quality. Enjoying a glass of wine. A picnic in a park. Laughter. Walking around an outdoor market. Kindness. Browsing a bookstore. Time.

As many difficult and worthwhile things often are, long distance relationships are both a blessing and a curse. But like everything else in life, there is an opportunity to walk away from it, rush your way through it, or let it wash over you... risk letting it wash you away, and learn something from it in the process.

I know that there will be hard times for us down the road. I know that the next few years (and by that, I mean 70) will be, as with any marriage, a journey and a struggle (as all journeys are), but I get what is important now.

Before you, I didn't have a clue.

Our silly little list...

C. and I have been talking about what we want for our life together... the things that we think are important for a happy marriage... (yeah, we're totally cheesy).

So here's the list:

candles
cuddling
cartoons
banana pancakes on Saturday morning
tea
wine
silly boardgames from when we were kids
tons of books
mountain biking together
brunch
sharing the sections of the newspaper
agreeing to disagree
kindness
movies
travel
holidays with the people we love
picnics
music on sunday afternoon
farmer markets
laughter
trips to Mexico
cooking together
road trips with the purpose of getting lost
tupperware (hee hee)
hikes through the sand dunes and surrounding mountains

Go see Happy Feet!

Okay, so my kindie kids have been so excited all week because they saw Happy Feet, the movie, last weekend. They've been tap dancing around the classroom like the penguins in the movie and their excitement has been totally contagious!! So, I tapdanced over to my favourite black market dvd dealer here in Seoul and bought a copy...

And I've been laughing the whole movie through! It's awesome!! Robin Williams is one of the penguins, and it's a Shrek like movie in that the animation is great and there are tons of jokes that mostly adults would get, so it keeps you laughing out loud. Plus, it's got a great message.

I love this movie! You have to see it, cause seriously... who of us doesn't need a moment or two to be a kid?

And if you honestly don't think you need a couple of tap dancing, Elvis impersonating, sassy penguins in your life... well, you're older than your age!! ;o)

20,000 more troops to Iraq

20,000 more troops are heading to Iraq in the coming year... rumours are that Christian might go in November... they are just rumours... I know...

But still...

I can almost talk about it like I'm fine, but then I say it... "Christian might be deployed next year" and the tears just come. Not just tears, but all out sobbing. This is a strange reaction to me, as I hate to cry in front of others, but I can usually control it if I do. I can't, not with this.

When I was home in July for my brother's wedding, I couldn't sleep so I watched MuchMusic and watched the new video by Greenday, When September Comes. I wasn't feeling sad or down, but as soon as I thought about Christian (the video is about a couple that is split up by his going to war), I just started sobbing. It doesn't come on slowly. I'm totally fine, and in the next second, I can't stop crying. It's like nothing I have every experienced.

I can't even think down the road to that. I will go to him, I can't wait to be with him and marry him and just live with him... but chances are he'll be called to Iraq before our first year anniversary... and what will I do then?

We have been through so much. Such awful seperation, and then this. Someone up there is definitely making sure that we NEVER take each other for granted I think. But we've learned the f#$king lesson already... don't you think?!?!? Enough already.

So, the only way to do it is to take it a day at a time. I will ship stuff from here to el paso. I will buy I plane ticket. I will go and marry the most amazing man I've ever met. I will take some time off of working (while I wait for my working visa and stuff to go through) and write and take care of someone who's taken such good care of me every since I've known him. We will make it count.

I love you, I'll see you soon.

I'm not sure how many people will be able to relate to this post, but it's something I've been thinking a fair bit about.

I have lived on my own now for a really long time, and although I've been in and out of long-term relationships during that time, it's been pretty long since I've been an 'us'. Even when Christian and I were dating in Seoul before, we were only able to spend the weekends together, so it has been ages since I've had someone else in my living space for any period of time.

We are checking out apartments online and planning my move to El Paso for us to be together, and I can see us there perfectly. We are so amazingly compatible. He's so laid back and yet completely responsible, getting all the info we need together when it comes to all the army and immigration stuff before I even ask. I'm a little more high strung, driven, stubborn, a tad bossy... and he's so patient with all of that. Amazing.

So it's normal to be a little worried about negotiating living together, right? I love him and we'll have so much fun together. Picking out and decorating the apartment. Cooking together, picking out movies.... all that stuff that people who live in the same city (or the same country for that matter) take for granted.

But how do you go from such an incredibly independent life to marriage and a shared apartment? It's a bit of an odd thing that I dont' think most people pay much attention to before it happens. I know a lot of people go from their parents home to their partners, or at least to an apartment with roommates and so on. But since I've moved out, I've been totally on my own. My own space, bills, groceries, laundry.

It has also been a really long time since I've been in a really serious relationship. One where it was the main focus of my life. In fact, I'd have to say that my career was my main focus since I was about 22 or 23, and most of my relationships came in second.

I have always valued my independence, but for a while now it's been more than that. I've held it like a badge... a shield even. Maybe a little bit afraid to admit how much I loved being in a couple as close and as caring as the two of us are together.

And then there was Christian.... ;o)

So, I kind of feel like I'm on a bike with training wheels. If I remember back far enough, I really liked all of the things that go along with being that close to someone. The way you know exactly where their hand is when you reach for it while you're walking side by side. The way that you can sense at what height their shoulder will be when you lean against them at the movie. How you know exactly what dessert they'd like best when you stop by the bakery on the way home for a surprise.
But with the physical distance between us for so long, we haven't even gotten to revel in those things that are so great about a long term relationship... we've only had the hardships of communicating across a divide of thousands of miles and a time difference of over half a day.

I can't wait to just be able to walk to you when I get off the plane!! It will be surreal. To be able to just reach out and touch you, I can't even imagine it!! Just being able to sit across from each other at a restaurant, go see a movie, walk through a bookstore, go for a drive. It has been more than six months since I last got to see you... how strange. Thank god for email and webcams, but it's just not the same at all...

I can't wait. Just to walk through the movie store, go grocery shopping, have dinner together. It's simply impossible to take such simple things for granted the way so many couples who live and meet in the same city inevitably do.

Long distance is so terribly hard, that I would never wish it on any relationship. Just being next to the one you love at dinner, in the car, etc... it's part of what makes a relationship so worthwhile. Their presence. That chemistry. When you take it away... not just for days or weeks at a time... but months, end on end, it makes you question everything you knew.

I love you so much, and I can't wait to get off that plane (only two months to the day now!!) and walk out of the gate to you. A story we'll tell our grandkids as they roll their eyes and say "Grandma.... I've heard this one already!"

Excerpts from "What I Know Now"

I wrote about this book before, but I hadn't finished it...

In case you didn't read that post, this is a book edited by Ellyn Spragins where she asked many prominent women in politics, business, education, publishing, sports, etc to write the letter that they wish they could have sent to their younger selves. It's an interesting concept.

Anyway, here are a few of my favourite quotes from the book.

Olympia Dukakis, actress
"What could also ease your stress is a different way of thinking about how we travel through this world. There's no ladder to success. The rhythm of life runs in cycles. Thre are times in the darkness and times in the light."

"Your most important struggles will be hard-fought but won well."

Noor Al Hussein, Former Queen of Jordan
"...All of this caused you to believe that you had to be totally self-reliant."

"This is the first time you've acted so dramatically on your instincts. In time you'll find that they always point you in the right direction. You'll also prove that you can be financially self-sufficient, which is a vital piece of knowledge for women the world over. And you will continue to challenge yourself... until one day a kindred spirit will inspire you to make a leap of faith in someone else..."

Jane Kaczmarek, Actress (the mom from Malcolm and the Middle who's married to Bradley Whitford from The West Wing
"...I'm going to ask you to look at the big picture. You believe you've been doing the right things, but you haven't been a good friend or even a good girlfriend. Instead, you've been really driven and competitive because being a success has been really important to you. Now failure is busting you wide open so that you can learn what true success means: being a while person, someone with balance and compassion. The building blocks of success aren't plum acting jobs and beating out other actors. They are being a good friend and really loving somebody. And the best lesson of all: You'll find you can like people and let them into your world, even if they aren't big success stories. Because of that, someone different will enter your life. He won't have the trappings of success that you used to think you needed to have in a man. On your first date, he'll ride you home on the handlebars of his bike, because he has no car and can't afford to hire one. But he's really funny, smart, and has amazing integrity. Because of this horrible year, Jane, you'll be willing to pay attention to the guy you're going to marry."

Camryn Manheim, Actress
"I honestly feel I'm happier than most people, but sometimes I feel I live on a foundation of sorrow because of what's going on here on this planet."

Trish McEvoy, Entreprenuer(Here she is talking about herr mother-in-law who was a huge influence on her...)
"She has the knack of focusing on her loved ones without interfering. She's not a big advice giver and she never judges. She knows what to say - and what not to say. IF you utter a criticism of someone, she'll say gently, "Look at it through their eyes".

"The key elements in life are time and people: What are you spending your time on and whom are you spending it with?"

Notes I made in my journal during my trip to Thailand...

While sitting on a pier that was partially constructed, but never finished on Koh Yao Yai

"What was this pier built for? Was it meant to lead to the road? WAs it meant to lead to somewhere bigger than itself? Then why was the idea abandoned? Who gave up on it? Or was it simply forgotten, as so many well laid plans are, when something steps in the way..."

"I am meant to be by the water. But I know so little else..."

Upon arriving at a guesthouse in Phuket Town

"Hotel rooms interest me immensely. I can't help but wonder about the lives of the people who have passed through them. Did they miss the people they had left behind? Did they long for someone they couldn't be with? Were they running from something they didn't yet understand?..."

Sitting in a teahouse in the evening in Phuket Town

"The air is cool tonight, and I miss you so terribly that I can feel a pit in my stomach widening with each breath. I am in a teahouse in Thailand, and you are a million miles away, but I swear that you are sitting here with me, smiling at the small retreiver puppy fast asleep in the corner...

"There are places and times where one is so completely alone that one sees the world entire." (Jules Renard)

I have been there and am on my way back to you."


Random thoughts

"Any foreign city... perhaps any big city, foreign or not, can anger you to tears. It can frustrate you to the point of rage, and in the next moment, soothe you. It is, for me, life in and of itself. Beauty. Travel is both the thing that brings you closest to the world and takes you furthest from it. And we seek it out for reasons as varied as the places we choose to travel to."

"I miss you. The truth of this hits me hard and makes me so sad. I miss you and I should not be here. Certainly not without you.

I am so sorry that I am so stubborn and frustratingly independent. I’m sorry that I got scared that my life wouldn’t be the same with you, because it won’t be. It will be different. Better. More. I won’t just see the island, I’ll have someone to remember seeing it with. I won’t just experience a new place, I’ll get to re-experience it through your eyes. I am so sorry that I came here without you. I am so sorry that I didn’t trust what there is between us. I am so sorry that I didn’t have more faith. I’m sorry that I put conditions on loving you.

I love the fabric of who you are. The way you make me feel about myself. About the world.

I will come and find you this March. I am still scared. I will be completely honest with you about that. I’m afraid that I don’t know how to be an ‘us’ anymore. That it’s been so long since I’ve been an ‘us’ with anyone, let alone someone so deserving of everything I can possibly try to give them.

I will try to make the most out of this trip. Since I am here. And you are there… and that is my doing… and my weight to bear. I will take as much from this experience as I can so that I can make it up to you the best I can.

I love you. I miss you. Thank you for waiting for me."

"I was sure that I knew who I was before you came into my life. I was sure that I knew who I was, what I wanted my life to be. But even though I tried to keep you at arms length, you sat so near to my heart that you unnerved me completely. I loved parts of you that I did not yet know existed in myself. I felt completely at peace when I was with you, which scared me more than I can explain, because I was sure that I was already at peace before you. I am scared of leaning on someone else.

When you left me, something in me just fell apart. You left me. And I know that you didn’t mean to, and I never meant to fall in love with you… but you offered me everything I’d ever wanted in someone… and all the things I didn’t know I needed, and then you left anyways. Because you had to, I know.

And now, you offer yourself to me so willingly. But do you even know who I am? Surely you don’t, or you would hold your heart more carefully. For I am still just a scared girl. Still worried she won’t be pretty enough, smart enough, successful enough. I am the girl who wants to be a romantic, but has no idea how to go about it. Who wants to be a career woman, but feels empty when she is. I am the girl who wants to be a caregiver, but is still afraid that she’s not even all that good at taking care of herself. I am a selfish girl who ran away from you to face herself… and who doesn’t want to know herself in a world without you.

I am this girl, and yet you know this, you always have, and you still want to be with me. Love me, even.

I miss you. Nothing is the same without you. I look at things and hear what you would say about them in my head. I came here to be alone with my own thoughts but all I can focus on is yours. I would love to see the world with you, to take it one country at a time and learn something new about each other and ourselves at each place.

I love you. I miss you. Merry Christmas, all those miles away."

An awesome new book...

On my trip to Thailand, I read two and a half books... lol...Yep, I'm a dork.

Anyways, one was called "The Myth of You and Me" and is about friendships that end and the wake that they leave. It was a really great book, and it's just out in paper back, so I TOTALLY recommend it. Here are a few quotes from it that especially made me think.

"And I'm left to wonder,
What is this place? THis room,
this house, this life accountable
to no one but myself." (A. Manette Ansay, SISTER)
___________________________

And from "The Myth of You and Me" by Leah Stewart

"There was no particular reason for me to be happy. I was just grateful for my ordinary life."

"I've often wondered why you're living the way you are... of all the possible versions of your life, why have you chosen this one?"

"To belong no where is a blessing and a curse, like any kind of freedom."

"I understood the impulse to disguise and I understood too the longing for one person to know the truth, the weakness of spies and superheroes everywhere."

"My love for him was no less just becuase it couldn't conquer every other feeling I had ever had."

"Some memories are kept, not in the mind but in the body."

"All you know of a life are the places where it touches your own."

"You're not a realist. You're a dreamer who doesn't believe in the dream."

"There is no absolute truth about a life. You merely choose the story you want to tell and keep telling it."

One of my favourite people in the entire world marries the man of her dreams...

I got to be in her life when she first met him. When he first set her head spinning with how quickly she was falling for him, despite herself. We sat in our favourite Vietnamese restaurant in Seoul and talked about how strange it was to fall for these amazing men so quickly. Her with Mitch, me with Christian. We talked about how it seemed to easy, they fit us too well... it was hard to trust it because it seemed just too right, except that they were in the military. They lived in the states. The complications of falling in love abroad.

Our lives have been incredibly parallel. She left Korea to travel to Tibet, before she realized that she only wanted to be with him. That nothing else mattered until that could happen.

They were married in Australia. They'll live in the states. They are perfect for each other and I couldn't be more happy for them.

All the unexpected places that our lives take us are made worthwhile by the people that we meet along the way.

Congratulations you two!!! Can't wait to see you in the states in a couple of months. Scout out some Vietnamese restaurants for us!!

More pics...

A couple of Thai headlines...




























Gratuitous self pic... so my mom knows I'm basically alive after my motorbike crash ;o)


Well, I'm back in Seoul. After a 1am flight, I arrived at my apartment at about 12am Korea time... and realized that I couldn't remember the pass code for my door.

So, after about $50 and two hours, the locksmith got my door open. Of course, by then, I was completely exhausted, hungry, and cold.

So lets recap shall we?

* I went on vacation without the man that I love and regretted that decision every minute of it.
* I drove a motorbike down a ravine and ended up with the biggest bruise of my life.
* I got a bug bite just above my eye and woke up to look in the mirror and see the Hunchback of Notre Dame staring back at me.
* Almost missed my flight, even though I got there two and a half hours early, because I couldn't understand the broken English announcement that declared a gate change two minutes before we were to board.

But, I also got to read, write, reflect, explore. All in all, I never regret going to Thailand, it is one of my favourite places for a multitude of reasons, but I am really looking forward to building a 'home' and doing trravels from there with Christian.
Although home is wherever I am to some degree, Seoul lacks the family ties that anchor me to who I am. I dreaded coming back here, because I felt more myself in Thailand then I do here. It is just so grey. I landed, and it's a perfectly sunny day, but the sun is completely filtered into a grey light because of the smog. The cars are all grey, white, or black. You wouldn't even believe it if you saw it.... The clothing, the cars, the buildings, the signs, the sky... everything is a shade of grey. It's so strange.

I remember thinking this exact thing last year when I got back from Thailand. Thailand is so full of colour... just like Mexico was. China, Japan, and Seoul, are more grey... although I still think that Seoul is the more generic and homogenous of the three. It's not really a criticism... just an observation. I don't know why it is this way... what about the history and present situation of the country makes it so lacking in colour and depth of colour... but just completely affects me... especially in the cold of winter. I am dying for some colour. And I swear there was more of it here when Christian was still here with me.

In time though... only two months to go... I can't wait!!!

Here are some pics of Thailand.

Love and miss you all back home!

On leaving Thailand...

I love Thailand. I love so many things about it... many of them, things that most tourists miss I think when they just stay in a hotel on the beach.

Koh Tao was great, but I cried on New Year's Eve when the fireworks started around 8 or 9. I just wanted so much to share them with Christian. To share everything about this trip with him... it's been really hard... and I know it was all my doing, but I can make it up to him now but coming to my senses and going to be with him in March, which I knew as soon as I stepped off the plane in Thailand and realized that all I wanted was for him to be on this trip with me.

I was so afraid that our marriage and moving to El Paso would mean that I would lose all of the things that make me me... the travel, the independence... but the truth is that I have all those things in me now because of my past experiences, which have been amazing, but I am ready to bring that to this relationship and have our future together continue to change both of us.

I do think that every person, certainly every woman, should travel on her own before marriage. Not just with girlfriends, not just with boyfriends or family... but all on your own. Yes, you have to be smart to stay safe and so on... but to be honest the thing that it teaches you more than anything is that you are strong.

You are so much stronger than anyone would have you believe, including yourself.

You can navigate the way, haggle for a better price, hike up a mountain, deal with bruises, cuts (and unfortunately) sometimes breaks...

You can sit in a cafe alone in the morning with a map and a pack and plan your travels for the day. You can eat alone... it is not the end of the world. You can read, write, explore... and still get back to the hostel in one piece.

You learn that there is nothing in the dark that is not there in the light... that the world is so much smaller than you thought, and that you are only one very small piece of a very large, complicate, and ultimately beautiful puzzle.

The woman I am still gets scared sometimes. She fears 'forever' because she is so used to only answering for herself, she is afraid that she won't be strong enough to give him everything that he deserves. She is still afraid that she doesn't know herself well enough.

But this woman I have become also know that she loves every part of him. Every inch of who he is. This woman has found strength, survived motorbike crashes, hospitalization for pneumonia in a foreign country, the ravages of bug bites and sunburn and heat exhaustion. This woman that I find myself still becoming has seen places and things that most of the women in her family only ever dreamed of. She put herself through school, moved out on her own, and moved across the world to test her spontaneity and ability to cope with change. She has played it safe, risked it all, taken it to the edge, and pulled it back just in time.

And through it all, I have found out one simple truth. Although I am sometimes strong, and sometimes weak, ultimately... I am stronger than I am weak. And that knowledge is helping me to realize that El Paso will simply be another adventure, another chapter...

except that now, I'll have someone absolutely incredible to share the story with.

I love you, and I am still learning. Thank you for your patience handsome. I will see you soon.