He stood at the bottom of the stairs and looked up at me with the smile I fell in love with almost a year ago. And even though I couldn't stop staring at him and held his hand just to be sure that he was real, it also felt like the most natural thing in the world.

When I walked into the apartment Chris had picked out for us, it felt like exactly where I was supposed to be. I just fit there, with him. A place that we could make our own.

He is beyond incredible. He worked crazy hours this past month and still managed to set everything up for us. He even got me cell phone so we'd be in touch while he's at work and I'm exploring. Not to mention the 'Immunity Support' orange smoothie he had waiting in the fridge to help me get over my cold I'd only casually mentioned to him a few days before my flight.

How is it that I fit in a dusty Texas border town? How is it that we can pick up this easily after all this difficult time apart?

Tomorrow, I will have to see him dressed in his uniform for the first time. A difficult thing since it reminds me why we were separated to begin with and what might separate us still.

I will unpack at our apartment while he goes to work at Fort Bliss. I will explore the neighborhood and try not to get lost. I will watch English television, make some tea, read a bit, write a ton.

I will continue to negotiate my way into this new life. Marrying the old with the new. Blending our lives together and starting again.

Of all the places our lives can take us, the best place is to love.

2 days left!!

I am exhausted and excited! I have only two days left in Seoul, and I am so excited to see Chris, but the process of moving is never all that fun. You are never more aware of your material possessions until you pack them into boxes and suitcases and drag them around with you.

The thing I always find the strangest is that once everything is packed away, there is so little that I miss. I have my grandmother's wedding ring on my finger, a book or two in my backpack, my computer, my iPod, pics, some makeup, my toothbrush and a few changes of clothes. It's amazing how we buy all this stuff, but how we really don't need any of it at all. A little music, some books, and I'm pretty content.

Now... one 24 hour flight and then reuniting with Christian!! Life is short, but this might be the only time in my life when I wish the time was a little shorter.

Love and miss you all back home (and especially the man in my new home)!!

I can't wait!!!!!

Okay, I simply can't contain myself. Two days til school ends, and although I'm soooooo going to miss this kids (they'll added such colour to an otherwise dreary experience at my new school), I am soooooooooooo excited to go and be with Christian!

The countdown is on, I leave Tuesday morning! Let's hope I can get all my stuff done before I go and nice and early!!

WOOHOOO!!!!

9 days :o)

I Don't Trust Myself by John Mayer

No I'm not the man I used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
And if my past is any sign of your future
It should be long before I let you inside

Hold on to whatever you found baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
I don't trust myself with loving you.



Dear Life by Anthony Hamilton

Sometimes in life
you run across a love unknown
without a reason
it feels like you belong.

Oh don't Dear Life
Don't go off running from what's new

I became somebody
through loving you.

Regrets are a funny thing. I have lived on them for a long time. Things I didn't do, didn't say, or did, but not in the way I wanted to.

I wish I'd acted younger when I was younger, changed programs when I was in university, said 'yes' to the promotion, and 'no' to many other things. I wish I'd known I was beautiful back then, wish I'd spent more time with her before she passed, wished I'd spoken up sooner, kept my mouth shut at other times.

I wish I had taken more risks with fashion and been less reckless with other people's hearts. I wish I had recognized bad relationships before they changed important parts of me and good ones before I walked away from them.

But the funny thing is that everything I have done, every thing that's been done to me... every single step and every thing that has ever happened in my life brought me to this moment. All the bad decisions, all the good ones. The ones I regret and the ones I am proud to remember. They brought me to this place, which I honestly feel is exactly where I am supposed to be.

I'm not sure when it happens, but I truly believe that there is a moment in most people's lives where you stop trying to reconcile your many contradictions, and simply accept them. Embrace them even.

I am full of contradictions. I always have been. The prairie girl who loves her family more than anything in the world, but had to leave them to finally find herself. The tomboy who loves putting on makeup and earrings almost as much as she once loved the feel of stepping onto a soccer field before a game.

I am both shy and outgoing. Serious and irresponsible. Completely scared and blindly brave.

I am at once, selfish and self-less. Excitable and unnervingly calm. A hard-driving perfectionist and a coaster.

And I am finally okay with all of these things existing within me.

For a long time, I thought that I had to eventually make sense of it. In each instance, choose one or the other. I thought that I wasn't being true to myself if I didn't, that somehow, deep down, I was just lying to myself about who I really was. But the truth is that there is no way to reconcile these differences. They simply exist. And I am who I am because they do.

This blog started with my ramblings about regret, because this is yet another of my contradictions. As I prepare to leave Seoul, I realize that as much as their are things that I am proud of, and others I'm not, I am ready to go and I do not regret anything. Wherever we are, we have brought ourselves to that point. Our decisions, our mistakes, they take us to exactly where we are meant to go.

Ten days. One full day in flight. My new home. The rest of my life...

Today was the day...

For some reason, today was the day that it all totally kicked in and I started to really see myself in El Paso.

Don't get me wrong. I have always pictured myself with Chris, and have often daydreamed about the next phase of our life together, but it was a dangerous thing to imagine it too closely because I still had to go through the day to day in Seoul. Thousands of miles and still months away from being with him. But today... 11 days til I leave, it just all came together.

I wish it was something incredibly profound that I thought of or read, but in truth, it was the simple smell of spring. I opened the window in my classroom as I was tidying up and preparing for class, and the scent was perfectly 'spring'. Now, if you've ever lived in a big city, especially one as busy and polluted as Seoul (not to mention the open sewer system... man, how can I give all this up?! LOL), you'll know that the smell of spring is nothing to be taken for granted! I am a prairie girl at heart (yes, I got your box today Mom! Thank you for the reminder of my roots, I loved them!), and I'm used to clean air, blue sky, the sound of the wind through the trees. But you see, there is no clean air, blue sky, OR trees (unless artificially planted in front of a foreign office or retail store) in Seoul.

Twice now I can remember the scent of spring in Seoul. Or rather, the scent of freshness, which is what inspires me to think of spring. The last time occurred as I leaned back in my seat on the school bus after a day at the park with the kids, and the smell of freshly cut grass wafted through the window as we drove onto the highway to head back to the school. I remember it perfectly, even though it was a long time ago. I remember leaning my head back against the seat, closing my eyes, and being transported home, in every sense of the world. To the warm sun, the crisp, clean air, and my family all around.

This time, it was the smell of spring and a far off bbq that transported me. But this time, it was to a memory I am not reliving, but looking forward to creating. The warm sun and blue sky, and Chris and I at a bbq, or a park having a picnic. The thought was pure heaven. Indulgent like nothing else. And I smiled so hard that I unnerved the tiny Korean woman walking towards me on the street.

He said that kissing me 'felt like memories to come'. He has always felt like home to me. Like I am more myself when I'm with him than I've ever been. And since everything happens for a reason, it was the exact moment that I decided that I didn't need anyone to ever complete me that a man who would never presume to think otherwise, did.

Just over a week babe! And the whole rest of our lives...

In transition...

So, I'm in this interesting place called transition. Although it could be argued that we are in this phase throughout our entire lives... or that I have been in it since I decided to move abroad in the first place, it seems to be all the more obvious when you are packing up and preparing for an actual move.

I am twelve days away from getting on the plane. I can't wait!!! But I'm still here. I still have to go to work. I still have to buy milk and eggs. I still have to finish packing, do my laundry, wash my dishes. It's a wierd feeling. Each time I do something, I am reminded that I'm doing it for the last time in Seoul. I have to remember to buy the small box of laundry detergent cause I'll only be doing a few more loads. I have to remind myself that I shouldn't buy a new book to read cause it's just another thing I'll have to pack. Even my job is difficult because although I only have a week left, and I'm still trying to give it my all, its always on the back of my mind that I most likely won't take part in this career again (though it's been fun and a terrific learning experience).

I have no intentions of ever returning to Korea. Although you can never say never, I am saying 'not by choice'... so that's close enough. Again, it's been fun... interesting, at times absolutely amazing... but I am so ready and excited to move on to the next path of my life with Christian.

So, 12 more days. I have some loose ends to tie up, but overall, I think I'm ready to go. Actually, I've been ready to go for months. I don't know what is to come. I don't know what the next few months, years, will hold. But I can't wait to get on the plane and find out!

For now, I'll do the dishes that I won't be taking with me to Texas. Keep smiling and working the job I'll be leaving in a week. Keep laughing and enjoying the company of the people who have had the greatest effect on me here.

Transition. It's a funny thing.... especially when a 24 hour flight is involved... ugh! Why can't I just teleport myself to Chris?

What is it about chemistry? Why is it that some people just have so much more of an affect on us than others.

This train of thought is most often related to male/female relationships, but I've been thinking a lot lately about friendships and how it is that some people, even in the shortest amount of time (and despite very different lives, experiences and perspectives) can have such an incredible impact on you. Well... no, I mean on me.

I have many wonderful people who I love very much back home, and others who I have met out here have simply changed me. Perhaps it was partially the time in my life. I was ready to be open to them, often opened up by them. But it surely has to be more than that. There are many who I cared about and would still call a friend but who I let drop the strands that keep friendships together when you are in a place other than your home. But others, for reasons I simply cannot pinpoint, I find myself thinking of so often. Some, I am so lucky to still have in my day to day life (Yes, Miss R... you know I'm talking about you), but others I lost to furthur adventures a long while back, yet they are constantly on my mind. Still shaping my thoughts and perspectives.

It has been said that friends are the family we choose. And while this is certainly true, it is far too simple I think. The real friendships, the ones that transcend and have the most affect, they seem to choose us. At the right time. The right moment. Just when we've planted ourselves on a certain path, they appear along the side of the road (and sometimes right smack in the middle of it) and gently show us a different way of being.

The best of friends don't pull us along with them. They don't drag us in the direction they've decided to go at the moment. Instead, they give us some directions on a folded paper napkin, to keep in our pocket. And the knowledge that it is there, that you can feel the weight of it in your hand on days that are harder than they should be... that is enough. The knowledge that they meant to help you find your way back to them when the time comes that you should need to.

Some friends simply feel like home. There is something that happens, when you move effortlessly past the small talk into baring a part of your soul, and in that moment, a true friendship is born. A relationship that will not need to be marked with rings or ceremonies as visible as a wedding. Instead, it will be noted in the email that comes at the exact moment you needed. At the insistence of dinner from the one who understands how hard it has been without you having to explain. At the knowing look that lets you know that they know... and they love you anyways.

These are the friendships that are worth their weight in more than gold. In life. In air. In all things essential. I have been so blessed to have several of these friendships in my life. And the above also explains why Chris and I are not having a 'wedding' in any traditional sense of the word.

Just as the most important ties in our lives are bound by continuous action and honest emotion, rather than ceremony, so too will our marriage be. Chris and I will stand in a judge's chambers in a dusty Texas town and make a commitment in law that we have already made in life. Then we'll drive into the desert and have a picnic and dance and laugh at how crazy we are.

For all of you who love me and understand,
and those who don't but love me anyways...

Thank you for your love and support. It means more than I could ever put into words.

Self image in Seoul... (and everywhere else in the world)

How strange that in a tell-all blog, I've never told-all about this topic. I'd love to pretend as though I was so emotionally healthy that I've never taken issue with my physical appearance, but I'm not that good of a liar.

There are two reasons why weight has become such an issue to me as of late. Well, probably a lot more than two, but two that I can pinpoint precisely. One is that I am going to meet the man I love at an airport in 19 days, and he hasn't seen me in a long time... and I want to knock him dead when I get off the plane... naturally ;o)

The second reason is that I live in Korea. Seoul actually... which is, if you've ever lived in a big city you'll understand completely, an world unto its own.

I live in a trendy, upscale area of the city as well. And while this is lucky on my behalf in many ways, it also means that on my way home from work, after chasing around kidlets and trying to cram antonyms and synonyms into their already overfilled cute little heads, I have to walk along side perfectly dressed waifs, in their thigh high boots and four inch heels, and perfectly applied makeup.

Now, the university educated, well read, high self confidence side of my brain says 'Hey, don't sweat it. You look great, you work hard, and you have a lot going for you." While the evil, completely irrational side of me says 'HA! You'll never be that skinny or look that good."

The question, of course, is why do I care? I work out, I feel good, I'm healthy, smart, financially independent, etc.etc... so why do I care if I'm not in as great a shape as I was when I was a gym bunny a few years back?

Part of it is definitely Seoul. Korean women have a very tiny natural frame and they are incredibly obsessed with their appearances (as you find all over the world of course as well), and I have never had any interest in trading places with them. I still have so many wonderful opportunities handed to me than most of the women here do. I know that. So I can't whine... but coming out here was the first time that I have actually been into a store when they didn't have my size. Even my height, which I've always loved, has recently made me feel a bit like a freak at times... especially when I'm standing in the subway and I can see over the heads of about 90% of the people there.

I have recently noticed that many of the beautiful women (inside and out) that I know here, have some major issues too... and I wonder if we just don't see ourselves correctly. The women here have a very disinct shape that most western women don't have. In Canada and the states, women literally do come in a million different shapes and sizes. But as with the hair, cars, and clothing here, there is definitely a cookie cutter mold here, and most fit into it. I know this comes from the fact that Korea is like 95% Korean nationals... but knowing that, and seeing it everyday are completely different things. I've never been somewhere where everyone looks SO similar ALL THE TIME. And, after a year and a half, (and the exit within view), it is starting to freak me out a little. I literally stick out on the street, just by my hair and skin colour. And although this is a reality for people in other parts of the world, and although I take it as an excellent experience to understand what it is to be a true minority, it still surprises me that it has actually altered my perceptions of myself so much.

During my undergrad degree, I read and was incredibly interested in how expectations affect reality. If you expect someone to do something, eventually, they will comply. Not by magic... but because you're expectations eventually become their own. I think that this has happened a bit to me here. Yes, thin is in... it always has been... but the thin here is beyond anything I've seen back home. Certainly not elevated and celebrated on such a homongenous level. And I think that I'm starting to buy in.

Hmmm... 19 days... will be interested to see how I perceive the U.S. after all this.

Love and miss you all at home!! Can't wait to see you handsome!!!!

Oh Seoul, how I loved thee... let me count the ways...

It is strange to be preparing to leave Seoul... different than I imagined it would be.

I have enjoyed most of my time out here. I made some absolutely incredible friends, met the man I didn't realize I'd been searching my whole life for, and had many adventures along the way. I tested myself and was tested in every way... sometimes I passed... sometimes I failed miserably... but I'm still alive, and the better for it all, and I'm ready to go home.

'Home' now has a completely new meaning to me. Perhaps this is the thing that has changed most for me. My home is now where I choose to make it. It is more transitory. It has more to do with people than with places. More to do with memories already made, and the knowledge that many more are to come. And it does not have to be one place, one country, one continent forever. Home now means the places where my heart lies. For three more weeks, my home will be in Seoul, where I still reside, in El Paso, with Christian, in Winnipeg, with my family.

The next year will be difficult. I am not unrealistic about this. I know that Christian and I will have a lot to deal with after this long seperation and our upcoming marriage. We will have to negotiate living together. I will have to negotiate what it is to not be working (I still can't bring myself to say 'unemployed' LOL). We will have to negotiate what it is to be from two different countries, two different lives, living in America, military life... all that stuff I've never even considered before he came into my life.

We will have to introduce each other to our families. Learn the kinds of foods each other likes and the kind of habits that we both keep that will seem endearing at first, and inevitably annoying later in life.

But if we keep up the laughter, the kindness, the mutual respect, patience, gentleness, understanding and love, I think that it won't be any more to deal with than any other couple. True, most couples get to live together, meet each others families before the whole marriage thing... but most other couples have not had to deal with seperation like this.

We have learned communication on an entirely different level then most couples have the luck to be able to learn before they get married. Christian has already taught me to be a better person, a better partner. To be more patient, more gentle, more positive, more kind. And I can't wait to be with him in three weeks!!!

My love/hate relationship with Seoul is about to come to an end. Although this city can be grey, dreary, concrete, and harsh at times, it also made things very clear for me. The clarity of the things that I want, the things that I need in my life are more evident to me then ever before. And although I will miss some things about my life abroad, I know that the things that I want for my life are no longer here, if they ever really were.

Three weeks to go, and I'm trying to take it all in before I leave it. I can't really imagine ever returning to Korea, even for a vacation. There are so many more amazing, beautiful and interesting places that I'm looking forward to seeing with Christian, but it gave me one that thing I'll always be thankful for... the chance to meet such an incredible man, and one hell of a story to tell in my old age!

This amazing man of mine...

I am so lucky. I can't even explain. After half a month in the field, during freezing temperatures, he is still so upbeat and incredibly loving. Even though he's dead tired, he answers my calls like he's been waiting for me all day, and even finds ways to be romantic when we are thousands of miles apart and he's in the field.

I love you more than I can say and I am so lucky to have met you and have you in my life. I'll be even luckier in a month when you stand there with me and we exchange rings. Thank you, for everything handsome.