Awaiting a road trip...

I can't even begin to explain how or why I am so excited about this upcoming road trip that Chris and I are going to take. Packing, getting the car ready to go, making sure Kaye is settled and we have some food for the road, and then taking off on the open road... perfect.

I can't really explain what it's been like up until now.

I am with a man I love and want to be with, but in a place I don't want to be. I am here for the right reasons, but he is here for the wrong ones. I came here to be with him, and yet I end up having to settle with getting him only after the military has left him exhausted... it has been hard.

I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew that the choice I had to make wasn't as simple as choosing to be with the man that I loved, but having to agree to play a part in this military life while it lasts. I choose him. I would choose him again in a heartbeat... but I do not choose this. There is so much that happens and that affects us... so much that the military does to it's soldiers and their families that I cannot talk about on here, because I don't want Chris to suffer for it at work... and even in this, I have to keep from being myself. Because the woman I am is not silent or submissive when someone she loves is being taken advantage of...

A good friend (one of the best) asked me a month back if it would be easier for me to endure this all if Chris really loved what he did... if he was doing something he believed in, for a company or organization he believed in. It was an interesting question, because up until then, I hadn't even considered it. But, the answer is 'yes'. It would be easier. Leaving my job, where I was working with and teaching young children everyday in a country across the world from here... to come to a man I love who was doing a job for an organization that I don't believe in... about to be deployed for a cause I cannot stand behind... it is very hard. If he was teaching... working at a non-profit... doing something he loved, that filled him up rather than tore him down... I would be proud to support both him and the cause. But instead, I have to constantly wrestle with the fine line between loving the man, and hating the job. Loving the person, and hating the uniform.

It's not that he's a soldier. It's that he's not. It's that he is a teacher, a caregiver, an artist. It's not the uniform... it's that its all they see, when I know that it's really not even a part of the story. That he is worth so much more than any of this.

I need to gather us all up in the car... Chris, Kaye, and I... our makeshift family... and put my hand out the window to feel the wind as we drive away from here. I need to focus on the map and the road ahead and know that, at least for a week, we won't be defined by a uniform and a 5am wakeup call.... by combat boots and deployment talk. I need to know that for a week... we will be out of their grasp.

I am as locked in by his decision to join as he is. I am as stayed by that choice as he has been. But at least for a week, we will be able to be as we were in Seoul. Just two people in love, with an adventure ahead.... when it seemed as though we had control of our lives.

I need time to remember that, so that I have the strength to handle what is ahead.

Meet Kaye... my personal trainer

Just back from another hour long walk... trying to wear out my dog (or vice versa). And it works... for a few hours at least.

Once again, it's Saturday morning. Chris got back from the field around 11pm last night, and all I wanted to do this morning was sleep... but, my personal trainer was right on schedule... in the form of a little white furball.

Screw willpower... I would NEVER get up and walk that early on a Saturday morning on my own!! But this little rugrat makes sure I get my butt in gear every day (often twice a day).

So... can anyone promise me that she'll mellow out as she gets older??? God, I hope so! But for now, she's still pretty damn cute!

A thought or two...

I've never been one for old movies. The sentimentality and obvious symbolism often grated a bit on my realist nerves... (sad, I know...).

I would often see modern day movies where people would stumble upon an old black and white love story and be swept away in tears having been reminded of something they longed for... and I just never got it...

...until tonight.

I was flipping through channels while trying to get some work done, and came across a black and white Russian film. It was the end of the war, and there was a speech being made about how peace would mean that sweethearts would never have to let their hearts go off on ships again... and I was captivated.

A woman was handing out flowers, purposefully, to soldiers who had just returned from the war, and in the background, couples embraced after what I can only assume was a trying time apart.

This is what I long for. For Chris not to go. And if he must, then to come back safe and sound when it's all over and for me to be there waiting, knowing that we won't have to go through this again.

So, old black and white love stories are idealistic. And thank god for that, cause someone's gotta be in this day and age.

My day...

So, with Chris still in the field and Kaye napping, I decided it was time to finally finish our wedding announcements. Between dealing with immigration stuff, getting the apartment set up, unpacking my stuff from Canada and Korea, Chris' brother's visit, my parent's visit, and getting Kaye, well... wedding announcements sort of fell off the list of things to get done.

Since we didn't have a big wedding where everyone could spend time with us, I decided that I wanted to make the wedding announcements by hand so that I could make each one unique and put a bit of 'us' into them. I FINALLY got them done this afternoon, and hopefully they'll be in a mailbox near you in a week or two (depending where in the world you are of course! Which reminds me... I need your address Renee and Jeril!).

I hope you like them! Although they took a lot of time, I forgot how much I love being creative and working with my hands!

(P.S. The little butterflies you see on some of them are actually Japanese fabric butterflies that I picked up while I was in Osaka, Japan in the fall. My Grandma Melnyk didn't live to see me meet the man she would have adored, and butterflies were a kind of symbol that her and I shared... so those little guys are for her (as was the fact that we eloped in Texas... she would have gotten a real kick out of that!) ;o)











And this is the cute poem I made up for the inside:

A day on the road...

So Kaye and I have decided to 'blow this pop-stand' (as my mom used to say) and take a small road trip tomorrow or Thursday. We might explore some of the parks in El Paso, take some pictures of goofy signs and things we've seen on the road, or visit Truth or Consequences, New Mexico (cause seriously! who names a town that and why?!?!).

These will just be day trips, but I think they'll get Kaye ready for our loooong road trip to Chicago to visit Chris' family, then to Clarksville, TN to see Aunt Cath (Kaye's aunt... not mine), and then back home to El Paso to see Chris!!

Stay tuned for the pics. We'll upload them on the evening when we get back.

Kaye in waiting...

So, after sending Chris off to the field with power bars and beef jerky to sustain him for a week, Kaye and I are missing him already. This is actually only the first night he's gone, but Kaye is already missing her after dinner game of tug-of-war with her dad and I miss our talks...

There is something decidely lonely about not being able to be with your partner. It is different when you are on your own and alone... I often loved the quiet and independence that came with that, but since getting to be with Chris every day, I simply miss him so much when he is gone.

We're fine... we'll keep busy. There are walks to be had and puppies to be fed... but I miss the cuddles and kisses (although Kaye is trying her best to make up for this...).

We miss you handsome...

Hurry back!!

What an idea...

My friend Cath is one of the most interesting people I have ever met, and if you've met her, then the previous statement probably doesn't even do her justice.

Since we met in Seoul, she has changed the way I look at things, and often raised my spirits during rough times. She got me hooked on Paulo Coelho books, let me freak out when I unwittingly told Chris that I loved him (for the first time... and then pushed him into a cab in shock... hee hee hee), and has supported me during this whole transition to life in the States.

She, too, is lost in some part of the U.S. A fiesty Australian who is with the man she loves (YAY!) in Tennessee (BOOOO!).

Although I wouldn't wish dealing with your husband deploying on anyone, knowing that I'm not the only person going through it helps. Just when I'm trying to hold it together, be strong, act like this all rolls right off my back and doesn't make me completely crazy, I get an email or read her blog and know that it just totally sucks, and it's okay if I lose my head every once and a while.

A year ago, we were both living on opposite sides of the world than we are now. We were free to move and do as we pleased. But now, we are caught up in the world of military families... where days start at 5:30, weekends involve not going more than two hours from base, and you carry a card in your wallet that identifies you as the wife of a soldier (and all the judgements that people make when they think of that).

These men we love couldn't be more different then any stereotype of 'an American soldier', and neither she nor I fit the stereotype of 'military wife'... maybe not even 'wife'... lol But somehow, we are all making it work.

So... on a day when I was actually feeling pretty down. Wasted. I've been making our wedding announcements and thank you cards to send out, and yet it all seems so strange. Everyone assumes that once you are married, you get to be together for as long as you both live... but that just isn't the case for us. The wedding part meant less to me then the choice to come here and be with him. And I won't really be celebrating until the day he gets back... the day he gets out, and the moment when we can start truly calling this life our own, and not the army's.

So on this day, when the reality of what is to come is hitting me hard... I check out my friend Cath's blog and find her describing what's on her fridge... and I can't help but smile and remember loooooooong talks over pho at our local vietnamese restaurant in Seoul...

So my dear friend, to answer the question "What is on your fridge?" ....

I've had this magnet (which I made from a magazine clip) since I moved out into my first apartment.


My beautiful cousin (who I miss watching grow, very much)


My incredibly cute nephew-in-law! Chris and I each had one of the pear magnets with us while we were apart... cheesy yes, I know ;o)


A little Canadian flag to remind me of my home, and a goofy picture of Jeril and I that always makes me laugh ;o)








From one of my incredible kindergarteners in South Korea...(I still haven't seen a Road Runner yet Kathy... but I'm on the lookout!)


One of my favourite magnets... I think this is especially true while we are dealing with deployment and military life!


My fav magnet!! We just got it the other day... we have our meeting with immigration on Monday, and I think that most Americans would do well to remember that we all came here from somewhere else.


Please Cath... don't EVER change.

To be honest, I'm not sure whether it's harder when there is news about the troops in Iraq, or when there isn't. Although seeing images and hearing information about the men that wear the same uniform as my husband is difficult, when the news is printed or announced without any mention of them, you realize how few people are actually forced to consider this war in their daily lives.

Unfortunately, I am not one of those people.

At night, when we fall asleep, I put my hand against his arm to be sure he's still there, even when I can't see him in the dark. I know that the day is coming when that space will be empty... we try not to think about it, but that's just not how these things work. It's always there, sneaking its way into our conversations and future plans. 15 months apart. So many days of worrying about him lined up in my future.

An article in TIME magazine just outlined how the Army is underfunded and unprepared for the continuation of this war. The article makes me cry, because I know this. The velcro on my husband's uniform only lasts a few months... the latch on the doors of the humvees they drive sometimes catches and traps them inside... but he is still safe with me here. It is not yet December.

I have never had so little control over protecting someone I love. I have never just had to wait until it was time to let them go off to something that I couldn't protect them from.

Underfunded and unprepared. He will make about $150 more a month while he is in Afghanistan. $150...

Tell Bush I'll pay him $1000 a month if I can keep Chris here.

Baby, what a storm!!!

I absolutely loooove thunderstorms. We have had a few really great ones lately, with the lightning setting the desert sky on fire, but today was absolutely crazy!!

It began innocently enough. I decided that today was a 'canyon walk' day, so I packed up the Kaye-bear and we hit the road. It was almost completely cloudless as we started our walk around noon and there was no one else on the trail. We climbed a hill and I let Kaye off leash to walk with me while I checked out the cactus flowers and those nutty little lizards that move so fast you can hardly see them. (god, I love lizards... and nature... and the sun... ahhhh..... but I digress...) :o)

As we head back, I realize that there are an incredibly dark set of clouds coming over the mountains. As I stop to take a look, I realize that it actually looks like there are three sets of clouds in the North, South and West all moving towards each other. It was so beautiful, but I decided that we should definitely head back to the car and start our drive home.

Just as we got into the apartment, the lightning began... and then the most incredibly loud thunder I have ever heard! It was so loud that the apartment shook and car alarms outside began going off. :o)

Did I mention that I loooooove thunderstorms??? Good.

The rain began in sheets, and then hail. I decided that my poor desert plants had had enough, (and not being the smartest cookie in the jar these days) I decided to rescue them from the torment of the hail.

Needless to say, my plants are safe... but I was completely soaked from head to toe after only about a half second into the fray.

Poor Kaye weathered the storm well. She's hiding in the closet... but it's over now... :o( The news here is saying it's one of the worst storms they've seen, and aparently there was a tornado no far from where Kaye and I did our morning walk, and there are flash floods and warnings for them all over the city.

Truth be told, I could come to love the desert...

Perhaps, I already do.