Estate Sale...

Today, we walked through your front door, unannounced. We lingered for a while in the kitchen and study. Marveled at the things you surrounded yourself with. The books you read, the glasses you drank from. But I could spend hours in your home, and when you are not there, it loses all sense of you.

We are not our things. We are not what we buy and what we fill our homes with. You cannot sum us up in cars, books, computers, fine china. We are what we take with us. We are what follows us through our lives and to our graves. We are our secrets, our thoughts, our unspoken regrets. We are our dreams and fears. The places where we fell and learned enough to get back up.

And none of the things we are translate once we are gone. You did not know us unless you knew us when were were alive. Unless you sat down to dinner with us and opened up in return.

You cannot know a life just by walking through our home. It is expected, that you would be drawn to these things for answers about who we were when we lived. But all you will know is that we did, indeed, live. That we lived at this address, with these things surrounding us.

We know little more, unless we ask. And even then... we know little more. We are, all of us, living secrets.

Waking up in the sand...

So, this weekend was the first that I think I was fully present in El Paso. Of course, I've been here for almost a year, but a large part of my mind and my heart has been struggling to call this 'home'. Until today, I had to constantly resist the urge to pack a bag, knock my husband out, and drag him on a plane to elsewhere.

This is a hard thing to explain... but I don't think that I am totally alone in feeling this way at times.

You see, I made the choice to come here now, of course, but I did not realize how completely different my life would look one year out. And although I have always known that I traded many of those things so that I could be with the man I loved, I didn't fully appreciate that I couldn't have both. At least not right now.

I think that most of the people reading this blog know the story by now. but in case you are one of the few who doesn't.... here is the recap:

Girl drops everything and moves across the world to Korea. Girl falls in love with travel, new cultures, adventure. Girl falls in love with American Army boy... girls wakes up in El Paso.

The thing is, that CHOOSING to move and live somewhere, and being there with the Army are two totally different things. They control how much time we spend together, where we live, where we travel to. So although our zip code is in El Paso, as any Army wife knows, we live in the Army.

For now...

Less than one year, and he's out. We're out. Less than 12 months. And that will be an entirely new adjustment, but one I welcome with open arms.

So I spent the last year trying to fit my square peg into a round hole. I tried doing this, reading that, volunteering, baking, writing, working... and still it all felt a bit off. Until one day, I stopped trying to fit. One day, I just let it be what it was... and realized that I'd been living it all along. I fit here... with him. We fit. And although we are still the wrong shape for the majority of those around us, we are slowly carving out a place where we fit in rather nicely.

He has been patient. He has held me when I have felt homesick from my two homes (Winnipeg and Seoul). He has not only supported me when I am missing my family, but he truly misses them too. He is constantly looking for me here, even when I am hiding beneath the layers of 'what is' and 'what could have been'.

So this morning, I awoke in El Paso. A few feet below the sand still... but at least I am beginning to learn which way is up.

There will still be hard times. If I know anything by now, it's that that is one of the only certainties. But there will also be good times. Many I think. And we may not always know where life is going to take us, but it always takes us somewhere.

Recently, my life has been moving at such a pace that I haven't really been taking any of the time I normally would to look around and be grateful for what I have. After reading my friend Renee's blog tonight, I was reminded of how important it is to take a few minutes to remind ourselves of what's important.

So, for Renee...

Here is my list of five things I am grateful for right now:

1) my family, no matter how far I am from them... they always near

2) my husband's patience... with my new work schedule... and me in general. :o)

3) the chance to work and feel proud and what I've accomplished... even if the next day I get slammed all over again.

4) the warmth of the sun in the desert this time of year

5) the way my dog greets me when I come home from work... as though she has been waiting all her life to see me again.


And now, for the list of things that I need to make more time for:
-Sitting or walking in the sunshine
-reading the Sunday paper
-talking on the phone with friends
-cooking with Chris
-playing with our dog
-reading
-writing
-taking a nap on the weekends (without feeling like I should be doing something more useful)
-going to movies

We are moving into a house this weekend, and I can't wait to sit in the fresh air with a good book this weekend!

Love and miss you all, in Canada, Clarksville, Korea, and all over the world. :o)