Finding my place between the lines...

a trip down memory lane...

2012-01-24T22:41:00.003+01:00

In searching for a computer cable that I was sure I still had somewhere, I came across a small box of keepsakes. An unfamiliar eye would chalk it up to some old photos and torn ticket stubs, but after combing through it for half an hour, I realized that it sums up the last decade of my life rather well, and it was a nice trip down memory lane.

Sometimes, I think we focus so much on the most recent or most common struggle that we are facing and forget to step back and survey our life as a whole. That is of course, how we live it, one moment to the next, but if we never stop to sit and take a look back, we miss out on the opportunity to relive those wonderful (and sometimes painful) moments that brought us to where we are today.

I definitely recommend sitting down with a box of 'stuff' or those photos you always meant to get organized, and relive the past for a couple of minutes. I guarantee, it'll lift your spirits and give you a little kick to make some new memories that you can look back on years from now.

and the world keeps moving on...

2012-01-20T13:24:00.000+01:00

The murmurs have begun about another move in our near future. This one would most likely keep us in Europe but move us out of Germany and with each potential move, I have to rethink... regroup and mentally prepare for the change.

It's amazing how much I have changed over these last five years. I came into all this as someone who was a planner, who always had an emergency bag packed and an understanding of where I would be in the next year and what I would be doing. That person was, in some ways, more grounded, but also more easily toppled. She was someone who was so busy dealing with the day to day that she often forgot to step back and see the big picture.

The person I am today smiles at the challenge that moving to another country brings. This person is still practical, and she'll have houses picked out and the area scouted before her family steps foot on that foreign soil, but she is more open to the process than ever before. She will watch as the movers pack and unpack photos of her family and friends, she will put the dishes in her new kitchen and find the market and stores to stock the fridge with unfamiliar food. She will set up a home in a place that she never imagined she would be and watch in amazement as the culture presents itself.

I am not in as much of a hurry as I once was. I realize that in my early years as a military spouse, I was trying to fit a round peg in a square hole and I struggled so much as a result. At some point in the last three years, I came to realize that if I stepped out of the box entirely, I could get a view of things as a whole and better navigate the terrain. A part of me wishes I could go back to those first two years. Wishes I could step into that role again with the knowledge I have now and just enjoy the moments. Watch C. transform from a soldier to my husband at the end of each day, accept the tears that came with deployment, feel the hot, dry heat of an El Paso summer on my skin, and embrace my outsider status.

But we don't get to go back, we can only live forward. I railed against those first two years. I tried to pretend that my husband's chosen career didn't have to affect my life, didn't have to change everything... but it did. It does. It has given me a unique perspective, one that I never imagined. It has opened my eyes to things I didn't necessarily want to see or know, but for which I am richer for understanding.

So there may be another move. Another country, another city, another home, another adventure. I will not live in my country of birth for a long time to come, if ever again. I will see more than I ever imagined, but be far from those I love. And my address will change again and again. The story will get longer and more complex with sharp twists and turns, but here is the thing I did not understand in the beginning... here is the part that it took be five years to really see:

I am never alone in this. That there are two people navigating those twists and turns. That I can lean on him and him on me and we can take turns loving and struggling with this life. That I don't need to carve out my place here because there has always been a place for me, even when I was looking too closely to see it.

It looks different than I had imagined. I do not have all the things in line that I thought I would by this point in my life, but if I had followed the path I'd set out on, I would have missed out on everything that followed.

I've hiked in North Korea, been covered in mud at a festival in South Korea, wandered through bookstores in Mexico, talked politics with a restaurant owner in Amsterdam, shopped the farmer's markets of Germany and Spain, stood on the Great Wall in China, ate sushi in Japan, explored the streets of Venice with my parents, been caught up in protests in Bangkok, slept on an uninhabited island in the South of Thailand, and eaten the best food of my life in Paris. At times, I feel more fortunate than I deserve... and I need to keep that in mind.

I need to keep it in my mind when I'm so homesick, when the skies are grey for weeks, when the move results in broken treasures, and I miss out on another family dinner or milestone. I need to remember it as little nephews are growing so quickly, and cultural differences make the smallest task difficult. When I am stuck in airports and government offices, near tears because the weight of the deployment is washing over me and I can't find the words to explain what it's like. I must remember... we are fortunate. Nothing is promised to us. And no matter where it takes us, it's guaranteed to be one hell of a ride. ;o)

Germany... why do you rain on me so?

2012-01-19T15:55:00.003+01:00

Sometimes, when you're feeling down, it's the simplest things you have a hard time getting up the motivation to do.

It's been a year and half now that we've been living in Germany and I can't say that I wasn't warned about the weather. The cloud cover and rain is getting to me. Although it hasn't been especially cold yet, I honestly would trade a few major snowstorms and much chillier temperatures for these weeks upon weeks of grey skies.

Just before we were moved to Germany, C. and I took a three week trip to Thailand and met several Germans on an island in the South. They were about our age and younger and they were completely giddy. Not 'on vacation' giddy, but 'I've-never-been-this-happy-in-my-life-and-I-may-never-be-again' giddy. At the time, I wrote it off as being a result of it being their first exposure to Thailand, a place I love and that also makes me supremely happy... but it was more than that... and now I understand. It was late February, and they had not seen the sun come out in Germany since at least November. They were sun-starved and it showed on their glee-filled, sunburned faces.

Despite what you may think you know about Canada, with the exception of the coasts, we are a sunny nation. In the dead of winter, it is so cold on the prairies precisely because it is so sunny. There is no cloud cover to keep things warm. Just clear blue skies, bright sun, and blood-curdling temperatures. Although you run through the street to your car, bundled up and swearing less quietly than you should, once inside, you can sit back by the fire or with a warm cup of coffee and let the sunlight spill through the windows.

Summers on the prairies get quite warm and when the rare clouds do blow in, it is usually to take part in a fantastic thunderstorm, before rolling right on.

I can dress for the cold, I can dress for the warmth, but I have not yet figured out how to get out and about during the rain and the drizzle. I love the sound of a rainstorm on the windows and skylights, but day after day and night after night is a bit ridiculous, and I'm definitely starting to crack. Everyone seems a little less cheery, a little less smiley and bright as these days wear on. We slouch a little more, bow our heads on our walks, and even our canine companions seem more apt to laying in front of the fireplace than romping in the fields.

So what to do? Short of moving to Hawaii (which is high on the future wishlist... bring on the sunshine baby!!), it's the end of January and with at least another two months of this, I have to figure out how to get it together. We have another deployment on the horizon and many changes in the near future, but I can't very well hide out for the next two months... so what to do?

To be continued... ;o)

Back to beginnings...

2012-01-16T19:04:00.001+01:00

This Christmas was amazing. Having my husband, family, and friends in the same place at the same time makes me absolutely giddy. Often, when I return to my hometown, it's to find comfort and support during the long months of the deployments, but when I get to take that trip with husband in hand, I am reminded of everything I have to be grateful for.

There were moments during our three weeks back in North America where I simply felt overwelmed with emotion. I would close my eyes and listen to the voices of the people I love, the inevitable noise and bustle of a full house. It's easy, when you have your family and friends within reachable distance, to forget how important they are to you. To take for granted the dinners and lunches, and small talk over tea. I have the unique perspective, after living away from my home for almost seven years now, to see what a blessing it is to have everyone in one place. To see them laughing and talking. To sit back and take it all in, precisely because it is not something I get all that often.

I did not, of course, have everyone I wanted together at once. They are in different places, on different continents, spending time with their own families. I know that I may never have everyone in the same place at the same time, but I am so grateful when I get a few together and have C. with me.

When we got back to Germany, it hit us both quite hard. Although we have met some incredible people here, and have had some amazing adventures in our first year and a half, it does not come without it's cost. Three little nephews are growing and changing so rapidly now. We are missing out on the day to day in the lives of those we love. And although the distance has not affected the most important relationships in our lives (we seem to pick up precisely where we left off, no matter how much time has passed), it does make the quiet of our home seem to speak so much more loudly than before.

Paris, Amsterdam... you beautiful cities you...

2011-12-06T13:57:00.001+01:00

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you will not be surprised to learn of my deep seated love for Paris, but my previous visit to Amsterdam was a very short day trip and although I loved what I saw, I didn't see nearly enough to fall in love completely. That was, until C. and I took a trip late in November to explore the city together. And it's official... we are in love.

Amsterdam gets a bad rap. If you mention the name, most people immediately think of the Red Light district and pot. It's really unfortunate, because although the fact that legal prostitution and legalized marijuana is a small part of what makes The Netherlands an interesting place politically and socially, far too much emphasis is placed on these two things alone. The Red Light District is contained in a specific part of the city and certainly not the prettiest or most interesting part of it. We spent most of our time in the Jordaan area, where you can find the Anne Frank House and the best restaurants.

Amsterdam is a city filled with fantastic art galleries, incredible food, interesting stores, more canals than Venice can boast and bikes... bikes everywhere! This is probably the most fantastic thing... the bikes. The trams and buses can get you all over the city, but the bikes with their own lanes and traffic lights are simply fantastic. You have not seen a truly 'bike-friendly' city until you've experienced Amsterdam.

Amsterdam is the very definition of eclectic. The people are friendly and laid-back, but incredibly creative and individualistic. Since we are big foodies, we tend to get talking to chefs and restaurant owners wherever we go, and Amsterdam was no exception. C. was beaming after a conversation with the owner of Seasons in the Jordaan district (highly recommended!! Yumm!!). We talked politics, foreign policy, and what life is generally like in the Netherlands and North America.

On our fourth trip to Paris, we stayed near the Louvre in a studio apartment and got to experience life as a Parisian. After several days of exploring Paris on foot and the Metro, we made the seemingly innocent decision to visit some popular department stores to finish up our Christmas shopping... big mistake!! We barely made it out alive!

For anyone who would consider themselves an avid shopper (and I would definitely not put myself in this category... as I've usually had enough 10 minutes in) I would dare you to try your skills out against the shoppers of Paris. It is a sport... a bloodsport at that. :o) We were exhausted by the end of an hour and had glass of wine in hand a few moments later, trying to figure out what had just happened. Note to self... no department stores in future Paris visits. There is plenty else to see (and eat!), and the tiny shops that line most streets are far more interesting and less chaos-inducing. :)

With our Christmas trips coming up, we're trying to get things organized. There are three handsome nephews that better be prepared for some spoiling... and some of my favourite people in the world who I can't wait to catch up with. Yay for Christmas and the people we love!

Happy holidays to you and yours!

Small humans on the brain...

2011-11-22T12:59:00.001+01:00

So, we've come to the point in life where we start planning for small humans to take over our lives. We've been talking about it for years and have always been on the same page... "when things settle down a bit"... but we've come to realize that our idea of 'settled' and others ideas are very different, and this is what settled looks like. For now.I have a lot of fears about motherhood. The degree to which it will change my relationship with C. My family and closest friends being so far away during all of it. Travelling with a wee one... deployments leaving me a single mom for months at a time and so many other things that most women don't necessarily have to worry about. But if I've learned anything, it's that your life will look the way to want it to look, and with a little creativity, you can make anything work.So, we'll see. We haven't completely decided yet if this is the path we are taking, and timing is an incredibly tricky thing given the deployments and life abroad in general... but the idea is currently bringing more excitement than trepidation. Perhaps it's simply the next adventure in the cards, if not the ultimate one.

Cycles...

2011-11-16T11:01:00.001+01:00

Today was the first frost in our neck of the woods, and it was an excellent reminder that winter is indeed on its way.

It's easy to forget, with the falling of the leaves and approaching stasis of winter, that the trees are, in fact, preparing for renewal. Taking off their worn clothes and preparing for bright, new garments.

I think that everyone's lives follow certain cycles. Times when we are productive, and others, when we find it difficult to move forward. Moments when we are filled with happiness and those when we fall into the depths of sadness. There are times when we are helpful to others, and those when we turn our back on those we promised to love, or even ourselves. But no matter the part of the cycle we find ourselves in, we will not remain there forever. Change happens whether we wish for it or pray against it, and we are always capable of finding our way back.

I am still learning how to live the uneven cycles of my life. My best friend and love comes and goes and I have to learn to move forward both in step with him and on my own. It's a strange idea, because I always thought myself so independent, but making so much room for someone in your heart and then closing off that space when they leave so that you don't bleed out is far harder than I had imagined, and much more difficult than being on my own ever was.

When he is here, there are moments when I find myself unable to forget that there will come a time when we will be apart again. I realize that many moments are even sweeter because of the time apart, the inability to take one another for granted both a blessing and a curse, but it can be exhausting, the rise and fall of togetherness. It is a little like surfing, except that you never get to come in from the water. The thrill eventually giving way to the knowledge that you could be swept out to sea if you lose your balance on the board.

This year, the world and I have been on different cycles. It thawed and renewed as I was preparing for the hibernation of his deployment. It began to close up and freeze over as I am beginning to sense the thaw. And in a years time, (or just a few months), we will will do it all over again.

But Spring is always guaranteed, even it takes its time in finding us.

The effect of rain on windows...

2011-11-14T13:24:00.001+01:00

I am heavily affected by the weather. I think I must have always been. The sunlight of Texas and Tennessee may not have fully been able to mitigate the events that took place while we lived there, but the constant cloud cover of Germany in late Fall is nothing less than exhausting.

I miss the sun.

I do not need heat, necessarily. I would prefer it of course, but it is not a necessity, as I realize the seasons must change and the temperatures must fall, but having spent most of my life in an incredibly sunny province in Canada, I find now that I mourn the loss of sunlight in the mornings while we are here in Germany.

I would take it personally, except that it seems to affect even the most seasoned of folk from cloud-covered lands. The smiles and laughter are harder to extract, and even posture seems affected, as people slump over during walks rather than face the sun, which has obviously retreated to Florida or Thailand or perhaps the Greek Isles.

There is no way to fake the sun. Lights, a warm fire, these are just poor substitutes. And there is, of course, a great deal of research that finds that mood and energy levels are greatly affected by the lack of blue skies and sun, but even with this knowledge, it is incredible to watch it in action. You can almost hear the chorus of groans when curtains are thrown open in the mornings only to be met with less light than the bedside lamp brings.

I can't say I wasn't warned. A friend who had lived here and wished to return raved for hours about her experiences in Germany, but added a footnote by saying "you'll struggle with the clouds. Everyone does. You'll think you'll be the exception, but it will hit you when you least expect it." A negative premonition from a normally positive source.

I thought I had escaped it of course. I was so enthralled with the scenery, food, culture that I almost forgot her words until the clouds set in in early spring and my smugness melted along with the snow.

I still wouldn't change living here for anything in the world. The experience is unlike any other and I feel incredibly fortunate to be able to traipse around Europe with my best friend. But if, when I see you next, I seem to be distracted by closing my eyes and facing the sun for long periods of time, forgive me. I am simply greeting an old friend that I haven't spent time with in a while.

A few of my favourite quotes...

2011-11-14T13:10:00.000+01:00

"To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive."
Robert Louis Stevenson

"People will tell you who they are, if you just listen."

"We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and they fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy... Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all."
Pema Chodron, "When Things Fall Apart"

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am."
Sylvia Plath

"Maybe the struggle to grace was grace; maybe the struggle to love was love. Maybe you didn't have to get anywhere, you just had to go.

And I thought, I am ready to go home now. It's time to drive in the other direction."
Lili Wright, Learning To Float

"He has learned to live with his contradictions."
(quote from author Paulo Coelho)

"We stayed at home to write, to consolidate our outstretched selves."
(Sylvia Plath)

Excerpt from "Why I'm Like This" by Cynthia Kaplan:

One of the hardest things about growing up is how one day it suddenly dawns on you that your parents are human. It hadn't occured to you before. Why should it have? But then something happens, some thing happens, and the veil drops.

It may have been totally insignificant... or it could have been something huge... There are just moments, really, blips on the parental screen, during which they reveal their humanity, and that they are in the world, flailing about as helplessly as everyone else, everyone who is not your parents. Blowing it. Surviving. Hanging on by their nails.

That they are at once more spectacularly resourceful and more deeply flawed than you might have ever imagined inspires both scorn and admiration. But happily, between the blips, they are just the same as they have always been... and you breathe a sigh of relief. It is too painful for them to be human.

Just go with it...

2011-10-31T01:18:00.002+01:00

I love Halloween. The creativity of the costumes, the way that a room full of strangers are suddenly friends for the simple fact that you are all unafraid (at least for one night) to leave the house dressed like a nut.

There's something to that though... the fact that being open to laugh at yourself builds bridges with those around you in the same boat. Camaraderie. Creativity and a sense of adventure are great equalizers.

The funny thing about attending two nights of Halloween parties is that I realized how rarely I feel that way these days. I wonder if it isn't that, as we age, we tend to find more ways and reasons to put up walls. We keep defining ourselves into smaller and smaller boxes, much like the Russian nesting dolls, insulating ourselves from the outside world until we unwittingly make our worlds smaller.

In a Halloween costume, it doesn't matter what you do for work, how much money you have, where you currently live, or how many degrees sit on your wall. It matters that you put on a costume and showed up. That you participated. That for a few hours, you refused to take yourself so seriously.

And honestly, who of us couldn't benefit from doing that a little more often?

A few of my new favourite things:

2011-10-26T17:28:00.000+02:00

Weave app for iPhone or iPad
This app is free to download and use and it's great for making To Do lists and prioritizing work. You can even put your To Do's into project folders, which helps to keep you focused. And you can't beat FREE!

Pinterest and Tumblr and addictive and fun, but also a great source of inspiration in an increasingly visual world. Did I mention it's free to join both?

and a long time favourite of the boy and I Young House Love - the blog.

Just a few of my favourite things. Hope you enjoy!

Autumn...

2011-10-24T18:27:00.000+02:00

It's definitely here. The air has turned cold and there seems to be a constant chilly breeze coming from every direction. We've stocked up on wood for the fireplace and the apple and spice wines are warming at the German festivals and fairs.

There is something so fantastically cosy about this time of year, but when the air first turns crisp, I find I mourn the loss of summer for at least a few weeks. The warm sun on my face, the flowers absolutely everywhere.

From now until the new year, we'll be doing quite a bit of travelling... Amsterdam, Paris and two homes for the holiday. This year, we found our stride again with cycling, hiking, extra long pug walks and rugby for C. Its the first time in our almost five years of marriage that we feel 'settled'... in a good way! We are here for the long haul, and even though that doesn't mean forever, it feels like home and we're finding our groove.

The thing that is hardest about living so far from my birthplace is that when the weather turns cool, I get homesick. It comes on suddenly, as though the cold autumn air comes directly from Canada, and I start to be reminded of 24 years of Septembers in Canada, and all the memories that go along with them.

Homesickness is a funny thing. Unlike 7 years ago, when I first moved away from my home country, I now let it wash over me and accept it for what it is, knowing that it will pass, but never be completely gone. A reminder that you can have it all, you just can't have it all at once (as a wise girl was once told by a wiser one). I get my 'all' in small doses. At Christmas, I will have my family, friends, and husband in the same place at the same time. It has only happened one other time, and it was wonderful. Not everyone will be in attendance, but I will get a good dose of what 'complete' feels like.

We'll get to celebrate this holiday season with a new nephew to add to the two we adore, which gives us an excuse to spend hours in toy stores across Europe and North America. And watching them open presents is still the best thing since sliced bread. Especially when they let us play with the toys too!

The thing I miss most about home in general, is the impromptu marathons of long talks over coffee, drinks, dessert, dinner. The sharing of our day to day in coffee shops and restaurants. I think we make less and less time for this as we fill our lives up with all the other things adults tend to do... but it really is my favourite thing about being home and I'm going to revel in every single moment and minute of it.

Moving Forward...

2011-10-10T14:46:00.000+02:00

When I stop writing, I find I stop fully connecting with the world. I get further and further from myself and lose my footing a little. I find that without the writing, I am moving through my life, but not taking notice. Not really living it.

I'm not sure what it is about writing, particularly in this blog, that makes me pay so much more attention to the moments I am moving through.

Today, the colour of the changing leaves against the grey sky... the crisp wind that curls your toes slightly as you step into it, and instantly recalls warm fires, hot chocolate, huddling in a restaurant or cafe with a glass of wine and great company and conversation.

There is something about watching the slow, beautiful return to earth of the flowers and leaves. The way the trees shed their colours and the birds and squirrels start to prepare for the cold that is beckoning. You can't help but be reminded of the things we leave behind. The parts of ourselves or memories we shed in order to rest before rebuilding.

This blog, and the reason I stopped writing in it publicly, are parts of who I am, and I can't change it, but it is definitely time to move forward. I love this space, this journal. I have shared my life here since I was 25. Six years of opening myself up to the world, only to have been scared into hiding for the past year. But no more. This blog was public from the start. It was open to the world and it was the beginning of my adventure. I have learned so much from writing it, but I am the same person I was when I began it: Honest. Open. Flawed. A little bit afraid, but moving forward.

2011-07-04T16:11:00.000+02:00

I haven't been posting much in the past few weeks and I find myself at a loss to explain what's on my mind. Someone I love very much is going through something difficult, something that I can't help her through, and I am at a loss for words.

I just want her to know that I think she is one of the strongest, most beautiful people I have ever met. That I think she was strong for taking the risk, and which ever path she takes next, she will be strong for having taken it.

I'm always here, but I know you know. Just don't forget it, no matter how far into the world, or yourself, you go.

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

Margaret Mitchell

2011-07-03T22:09:00.000+02:00

2011-06-26T14:17:00.000+02:00

When my grandmother passed away in August of 2004, I lost one of my best friends. We spent countless hours, evenings and afternoons talking about the news, choices made, and the ways of the world. She had a smile and kind greeting for everyone she met, and a sense of empathy for each one of them that weighed heavily on her at times.

With her, you completely forgot that decades separated your experiences, and she had a sense of humour that simply made her a joy to be around.

She wanted everything for me, but mostly she wanted me to see the world, and never settle for 'just enough'. She had few regrets that she shared with me, but when she talked about her unrealized dream of owning a little antique store and traveling the world to fill it with treasures, she had the slightest sadness in her eyes.

In 2005, almost a year to the day that she died, I moved to Korea. I took a photo of her in a small frame, and carried it with me on the plane. It went on every adventure I took those two years, and since then. In each new place, I open the back and write the name of the country we are now in, so we can keep track of all the places she's been.

There are times when the loss of her is particularly hard to bear. Like me, she was drawn to butterflies. The beautiful way that they constantly moved just out of reach. Their seemingly effortless flight.

White butterflies seem to be everywhere these past few weeks. As soon as the sun slips out from behind the clouds, they take flight and follow us along on our walks or lure us out from indoors.

She would love the adventure of Germany. The people, the culture, the architecture, the gardens and food. She would hold a cup of strong german coffee in her hands and close her eyes to take in the smell. I would introduce her to my husband and she would look him straight in the eye and tell me I did good, then tease him relentlessly as he blushed.

With those that we truly love and have lost, it's the opportunity to just sit with them and talk for a while that we find we miss most. To share our lives with them.

She would be proud of her grandchildren. For making their own path and never forgetting their roots. She would be proud at every misstep, for our ability to regain our balance. At every tear, for our ability to feel empathy, and at every goal achieved, for the chance to find our strengths.

She would constantly remind me that we can't control everything that happens in our lives, but that we choose the cast of characters who accompany us, and that is the most important part.

I miss her. With tears, with laughter, with old photos and the map that covers an entire wall of our house.

Beijing, China

Osaka, Japan

North Korea

For the pleasure of the sun...

2011-06-24T08:55:00.000+02:00

After almost two weeks of thunderstorms, cloud cover, and drenching rain, I woke this morning to feel the warmth of the sun. It was radiating through the curtains, and I leapt from bed like a kid on Christmas morning (oh let's be honest, like this adult on Christmas morning!).

Being denied something for so long makes you so grateful for it when it does finally reappear. I think this must simply be human nature, the ability to lose the thankfulness when things are too readily available.

I stood at the window and let the rays warm me. Even the pug leapt from bed and gave me his signature look that means, 'everything else can wait... a walk is in order.' I agreed, and off we went.

It was a quiet morning. We kept to the catwalks to avoid the morning commuters and didn't see another soul. The world was ours to explore, and that we did. The pug was especially leisurely in his gate today, moseying along as my grandmother would say. He stopped to smell every tree, flower, and lamppost. He even stood for a moment to gaze, eyes closed, head raised, into the sun while standing in the middle of a field. I took his cue and did the same.

I love the way the sun can change the landscape, the day even. It is full of optimism and possibility. Yesterday, in the middle of the drenching downpour, I felt the weight of the last six months of waiting. Today, in the warm glow of the sun, I am reminded that those six months are almost behind me. Less than two weeks to go, more sunshine in my future. And a chance to be grateful for what I have not had.

The place between...

2011-06-22T12:40:00.003+02:00

This part is the hardest I think.

At the beginning, you can't really lose it, because you know you have months and months ahead of you. You make the best, try to stay positive, pony up as they say. But near the end, you begin to unravel. Sure, there were moments when you were fraying in between the start and now, but you managed to get up and move forward. In the end, it's not so easy.

It's hard to explain why the last few weeks are the hardest of a deployment. Rational says that it should be all giddy and joy at the prospect of him coming home, and you are, of course... but in reality, the struggle of the last six months finally crashes down on you. For all your ability to keep on keeping on, you have to finally come to terms with the fact that you were really just holding on by a thread more times than you'd like to count.

The realization that this won't be the last deployment, that there are many, many more in our future, despite what you read about the wars ending anytime soon, ways heavily. There are thousands of men and women who will remain. Who are stationed all over the world, in places you won't hear about on the news.

It comes to rest on you, where he has been, worrying about him every moment. Your heart stopping for a second every time the phone rings or someone comes to the door. Both of us, without each other in foreign countries. Both a little lost.

I married a soldier. I repeat this sentence to myself often.

I married a soldier. I am a soldier's wife. Since forever, the role of the soldier's wife is to wait. Patiently. Supportively. To wait. For his phone calls, since I can't call him. For his emails, for his voice over the line. For word. For him to be safely home. To stand in line at the post office on base with care packages, with everyone staring. The line I'm in is for military post, veryone knows a woman standing there is sending off packages to her husband who's deployed. Children with letters and hand coloured boxes stand in front of me. We wait. Every week, for six months, only to go home to empty houses. Whole blocks of our lives lost to each other.

Some days, like today, the full realization of it pins me to the ground.

From the book I am sloooowly writing...

2011-06-21T09:47:00.001+02:00

She shed the dress in layers on the floor, like white feathers strewn across a field. Evidence that something beautiful had met with an unfortunate end.

2011-06-19T09:45:00.001+02:00

This will be our fourth reunion.

The first was when I quit my job and agreed to permanently leave Canada and flew to El Paso to marry C. after only 3 months together and than 8 months apart. It was an insane leap of faith. One that I would think anyone else was crazy to take, but it was the best decision I have ever made.

The first reunion was full of the unknown. I fell in love with a man in ripped jeans and a button up, I was going to meet a man in uniform. I fell in love with a laid back adventurer, I was going to meet a man who was ruled by rules and reported at the crack of dawn for formations. I went from living in the world, to living in the Army. It was a year full of culture shock and an education that I wasn't fully prepared for.

But each reunion has been the same. Nervous leading up to it and at peace the moment I see him. I'm always unsure, up until I see him, whether I'm going to burst out crying because of all the months apart of just be overjoyed at the chance to be together again. It's usually the latter, just so grateful for the reunion, but I never know til the moment I see him.

Here is the post from our very first reunion. Just over 2 weeks and counting. Bring it on!!

2011-06-18T15:08:00.001+02:00

I find myself at a loss for words this past week, and I can't pin down the exact reason why. With C. so close to coming home, 6 months of separation finally coming to rest on me, someone I love going through something so difficult, and the dark rain clouds covering Germany consistently for the past many days, I find myself in a funk.

So, in honour of my hubby, who sends me playlists of music he's listening to every few weeks so we can be on the same page, here is my playlist, since I just don't have the words this week.

Who I am - Relient K

Like a chicken with her head cut off...

2011-06-08T15:16:00.000+02:00

What an awful saying when you think about it...

Truth be told, I hate running.

The sweating, the heat, the exhaustion, the struggle for breath and sore muscles afterwards. However, I love the way it feels in the middle and after it's over. Once I've caught my breath, found my stride, there are a few moments where it feels like exactly what my body should be doing. Like I was made for it and I could go forever.

This is of course followed by one of two events:
1) I trip on a bit of uneven ground and stumble
or 2) I remember that I have not been a regular runner for years and my lungs start to feel like they are going to pop like overinflated balloons.

Yep... running sucks.

But after a run, my mood is lifted, my head is clear. I am relaxed, ready to get back to work. I'm better able to keep things in perspective (he'll be home in a month, he'll be home in a month) and I always get a great night's sleep.

So, to recap:
-running sucks
-but it makes me feel so much better.

Guess I'm stuck tying up those laces and getting my butt in gear. Unless something distracts me... ooo... is that chocolate cake?

First steps...

2011-06-06T18:24:00.002+02:00

In my last post, I mentioned some things that I've been wanting to do that I've put off because of fears I've developed. In my soon to be 31st year, I want to regain my courage. My nerve to be daring and to push myself to new limits. The ability to move past some of the stumbling blocks of the last few years is at the top of my list for this coming one.

Today is the first time I will go for a run without C. I'll be careful of course; run along well travelled streets and go while the sun is still up. But I will go.

I guarantee it will hurt. Running is one of the best metaphors in the world for pushing past your fears. When you begin running, you are once afraid that your heart will give out, your lungs will explode, your legs will buckle and you'll pass out dead. You have to face all of your limitations, the physical ones that your body sets, and the mental ones that tell you you can't go even one step further. At the end of a good run, you feel exhausted, euphoric, and completely spent. All the same emotions as you experience after facing any major fear.

Rain or shine... the pavement and I have a date. Ezra, of course, will be passed out on the couch, having long ago faced his fear of being perceived as a lazy pug. ;o)

Moving beyond...

2011-06-05T21:38:00.002+02:00

As I mentioned a few posts back, I have found that I've lost my nerve at some point in the last many years. There were several points in the past when a "I don't think you should..." or a "I would never do that..." would send me seeking out the thing that shouldn't be done or the place that most people wouldn't go. It wasn't that I was a thrillseeker or daring necessarily, it was just that I have met people who let the world tell them what they should and shouldn't do, and others who do it the other way around. I wanted to be the latter.

I was, for a long time. Instead of asking if something was possible, I would try it and see if it was. I recognized that growing up in my particular generation, born in North America, meant that I had the opportunity to push the boundaries in a way that our mothers and grandmothers were simply not permitted to do.

I wanted to live my life without ever uttering the phrase "I wish I had..." or "if things had been different...". But somewhere along the way, I got scared. For a long while, I wrote it off as being smarter, more cautious, but I knew these were just excuses for not facing the things I was scared of.

I'd like to say my fears aren't of real 'things'. Emotional fears such as fear of failure, embarassement or not living up are difficult to get past, and I do have my share of these emotional fears. But the things that I struggle with the most are real actual fears. Three in particular, that are unfortunately all flesh and blood.

About a year ago, I abandoned my blog because of a very bad experience with someone following it trying to force their way into my life. Those who know me best know what happened, and law enforcement knows the rest, but it has taken me a long time to get back to the point where I feel safe online. If you notice, I am careful not to mention where we live in Germany, and only discuss travel arrangements after we've returned from the trip.

Three times in my life now, unfortunately, I have been afraid of men that have forced their way into my life... the stranger who began stalking me in Winnipeg, the man who attacked me in my apartment in Korea, and this most recent person.

I lost my faith in people a little bit. Okay... maybe a lot. I stopped believing that everyone was basically good, and found a degree of hate in my heart that I didn't know existed.

I am very cautious of strangers now, especially men. I get uncomfortable when a guy strikes up a conversation while we're waiting in line, or when I notice someone turn down the same road as me on my walk home.

The problem comes when it begins to stop you from being friendly, outgoing and comfortable in your own skin.

C. has been an inspiration to me these past six months. After an excruciating surgery and more than a year of recovery, he pushed past his fears of pain and re-injury. I know that his fears were physical as well as mental and I'm so proud of how far he has come. So, with that inspiration, how could I not challenge myself to do the same?

There are two things that I have been putting off because of my fears:

1) going to the gym on base
2) going for a run or long walk without C.

I have done both at different times, but felt so uncomfortable each time that I put both activities on the backburner again. The experience of having a guy try to follow me home a few months back during a walk with the pug didn't help matters at all... and now I feel like I'm starting from scratch all over again.

So how do you do it? How do you get over your fears? Small steps, or just leap in? Did you eventually work past them, or are there residual effects? Where did you start?

Although I normally love to take large leaps, I think that these fears, being so deep seated after all this time, need smaller, more gentle steps.

And if you know someone who's found their way through something hard, give them a cuddle and let them know you're proud, even if they find they are still a little afraid of things that go bump in the night.

2011-06-04T14:58:00.002+02:00

We are getting close to the end of this deployment, and although I'm proud of how well we both handled it, the last month is as rough as the very first one. On one hand, you're excited that it's almost over, and on the other, the weight of the wait comes crashing down.

Until the last month, you really can't focus on how long the deployment is or the cost of all that time apart. As with anythig difficult, you take it one day at a time. Hour by hour. You wake up, get things done, treasure the opportunity to reconnect on the phone or by email, and pass the time as constructively as possible.

But as the final month draws down, you realize that it has been so long, and you have not always faired as well as you like to think you have. You've been lonely. Not just for friends and family and like-minded individuals, but for your best friend... your partner. You've missed grocery shopping together or sharing a joke. You are tired of walking into an empty house and waking up to another day of getting by.

I never thought I'd be the girl that waits, but at times, I can feel the presence of other wives waiting throughout history. It is easier now in many ways. There are phone calls and emails and sometimes even web camera chats, but the heart of it is the same as it has been through all wars. I am a woman, waiting for the man she loves to come home safe. I am worried, sad, tired, a little lost, and always hopeful. I am constantly caught between feeling the need to live every moment, and wanting the wait to be over.

He'll be home soon, and there will be a bit of awkward time as we learn to move around one another again, but the opportunity for reunion is a gift.

And aren't we all waiting for some part of our life to start, really?

Grateful

2011-06-01T09:38:00.002+02:00

This past month, I've been grateful for:

time with my family and friends
skype, phone calls and little emails from C.
spring, green, flowers, all things non-winter related
long talks with people who knew me when
pug cuddles
the opportunity to travel
the fact that someone is going to help me with our wildly insane Secret Garden'/ Little Shop of Horrors weeds in the backyard
the sun, warmth, the world waking up
early mornings

Welcoming June...

2011-06-01T09:29:00.002+02:00

I can't believe it's June already. I've been lost in the deployment blues for so long that I at moments, I had forgotten to look up at the horizon and see summer on its way.

He'll be home so soon. Almost here already... and after all the months apart, it's hard to explain the gift that homecoming is. Imagine, your partner of more than four years is new to you again. You are reminded of all the reasons you fell in love in the first place. You get to see each other as though for the first time with all the nervousness and butterflies that accompanied those early days.

If there is any positive in all this time apart, it is the gift of never taking each other for granted. Reminding ourselves that for all this time when being together is not an option, there are so many couples out there, sitting side by side, day after day, who no longer see one another.

There have been gifts in everything hard we've been through. In El Paso, struggling financially and with the loneliness of being cut off from everyone we knew and loved, we learned to be frugal... live within our means, and be thankful when we made ends meet. We learned to find adventure in the small places and that communication is the key to a healthy marriage. A harder lesson was after C.'s surgery, when we came to understand what a gift physcial health is and the importance of letting your body heal, but then pushing past the pain when the time comes.

In Tennessee we learned that you may have to go in search of a community or like-minded individuals, but they are always out there. We learned about Southern hospitality and the gift of sitting back and relaxing on a porch in the mountains.

In Germany, we are reminded that life is all about the small things. This deployment, I could send packages from a nearby base to reach C. in two or three days. This meant fresh baked cookies reached him in the desert two days after they came out of the oven, and boxes arrived in better shape than when shipped through the states.

Deployments are so hard, there is no way around it. You miss each other in ways that wash over you and moments when you're afraid you'll be drowned by the sadness of it. But you truly do find that you are stronger than you are weak. You find ways to strengthen your partnership and friendship. You learn how important it is to speak kindly to one another, even when you're both under stress... because each other's words and voice is all you have to keep the ties strong during this time.

But for all the difficult times, when he gets off that plane, it will be like the first time I saw him. A handsome man with his cap pulled low over the most beautiful eyes and smile I have ever known.

Finding a little zen...

2011-06-01T08:54:00.002+02:00

If you own one of the newer Apple Macs, you can download an amazing app (for a fee) from the Mac App Store called OmmWriter Dana II. Crazy name, but with my last post about trying to quit my obsession with multitasking, this app has helped a ton! It's a little strange, you'll want to read about it first to decide if it's for you, but basically it turns your entire computer screen into a simple and serene writing space. You won't be able to multitask and check your emails, watch the time, or be distracted by anything else on your computer. When it's time to write, whether it be for work, school, or pleasure, you'll have the perfect place to do it.

I haven't bought many apps for my Mac laptop yet, although I have downloaded a ton of free ones, but when a good one comes along, it really is amazing how little differences make big changes. I often used pen and paper to write press releases or poetry, because doing it on my computer inevitably left me distracted, checking my email and switching playlists in iTunes.

I don't often rave or review products on my blog, but OmmWriter Dana II actually helped me to deal with two of my summer resolutions; start writing more frequently and learn to stop multitasking.

Now, if I can find an app that will empty my dishwasher and do my laundry, my life could be complete! :o)

Beyond distractions...

2011-05-30T16:16:00.000+02:00

I have always been a marathon multi-tasker. I listen to music while I work or walk Ezra, read in the bathtub, write grocery lists while I watch tv and check my email in the car (while I'm a passenger, not the driver). I've even been known to watch a movie on my laptop while I prepare dinner.

I know I'm not alone in doing this. Technology has made this all too easy to do. iPhones, iPods, laptops, & e-readers (damn you Apple... hee hee) are built to make multitasking even more addictive, but I suspect that without these technologies, I would still find a way.

Studies have recently been done on how multitasking rarely saves you time. You often spend longer doing the thing you started doing, because rather than focus on the one task to completion, you added in a few more. Seeing as most of us would say that we multitask to save time... the truth is that we don't really seem to be saving any by doing so.

Although this may be a slight generalization, Europeans don't really multitask. This was something C. and I noticed almost as soon as we'd arrived in Germany, and throughout our travels in France, Italy, and Holland. When people eat, they don't check their email, text or answer phone calls, or there are rarely televisions in restaurants. They sit down, on their own or with friends and family, and enjoy their meal. The waiter must be asked for the check, as they do not bring it as soon as you finish your meal, because in most of Europe, it is expected that you'll sit a while and finish the last of your drink.

I rarely see walkers, biker, or runners wearing headphones. They seem to be watching the world ahead or around them, listening to the birds, the traffic, whatever is present.

If they sit in a cafe, they simply sit. They people watch, enjoy their coffee or tea and pastries, and watch the world go by. Surely, you might catch someone reading through the newspaper or a book, but it is pretty rare to see anyone on a laptop or cell phone.

There is a sense of leisure, of being present. Of mastering the task at hand. Us North Americans run around, constantly looking busy, but often accomplishing little more than working ourselves into a frenzy.

My husband is not a multi-tasker. He is a European at heart, surely. He is naturally comfortable not knowing what's next, where we're going, what else we should be doing. He has taught me to enjoy the view, savour the wine, feel the grass between my toes, and to let that be enough. For now.

So, one of my summer resolutions is to stop multitasking. When I write, write. Don't check email, don't blast the music, don't watch tv, don't surf the web. Don't distract myself from the present.

One of my plans is to really give yoga a chance. Stretch, balance, without my usual gym playlist blasting. Just be, one moment at a time.

Have you ever thought about giving up multitasking? Are we capable of really learning anything when we multitask?

Favourite new thing

2011-05-29T09:42:00.000+02:00

Pinterest is one of the coolest ideas I've seen in a long time. As a graphic designer and long time DIY-er, I've used my Mac to take screen captures of interesting design or inspiring images on the web for years. Sometimes, no matter how prepared you are to start a design project, you just can't find the inspiration. Pinterest allows you to clip out link to places on the web that inspire you, capturing all the images in one place while maintaining the link to the original source so you aren't infringing on anyone's copyright. This will hopefully keep me from tearing ads and pages out of the magazines in the house... something C. pretends to tolerate but secretly drives him mad I suspect. :o)

You can check out my Pinterest board here.

Spring has sprung...

2011-05-29T09:14:00.000+02:00

I don't think there is anything more beautiful than Germany in the late Spring. It's just fantastic. The entire landscape is green and fluffy (imagine every bush and tree on steroids) and there are people everywhere, walking, biking, relaxing at outdoor cafes and patios of restaurants.

The rain still threatens every few days, but that really just makes the sunny days that much sweeter.

On Sunday mornings, I wake up and sit with my coffee and paper to listen to the songbirds and church bells mingle in the warm air. The pug trots around, trying to convince me that it's already time for his walk, and I'm distracted thinking of all the adventures C. and I will have when he returns.

I've been a brat with my blog since coming to Germany. I don't update as often as I would like, and I've been rather skimpy on the photos. The thing is, I've just kind of been in awe since being in Germany, and I don't have J. around snapping hundreds of photo while I look on (miss you!!).

I find that when I really enjoying the company I'm with, I forget to take photos, which is really a shame once I return home. So consider this my Summer Blog Resolution #1: take and post more photos. I love all the photos J. and I have from our time in Korea, and they constantly bring up memories I had almost forgotten. I don't want our time in Europe to be up and I don't have the photos to remember all these wonderful times.

So, Summer Blog Resolution #1: take more photos and post them.
#2: post more often... even if it's mostly jibberish or stream of consciousness (like this post is turning out to be). I started this online journal to make sure I took the time to write more often, even if it was just about my day. Time to recommit to that...

after I take the puglet for a walk in the warm sun. :o)

Jet Lag... my evil friend.

2011-05-28T06:45:00.000+02:00

My dear friend Jet Lag has reared its ugly head once again. After returning from a month in Canada, I find myself crashing into bed at 8pm and waking up just after 4. Granted, this means I get a good 8 hours of sleep and it gives me the opportunity to be up before the sun and to get a jumpstart on my day.

Listening to Arcade Fire, Adele, and Hole first thing in the morning would get anyone moving. Below is Wake Up by Arcade Fire. Probably one of my favourite songs of all time. I dare you to sit with a cup of tea (or hot beverage of your choice), watch the sun rise, blast this song and not feel both zen and inspired. :o)

On the agenda today, weeding the garden so I stop getting angry looks from my next door neighbour (with his frightening perfect lawn), perhaps a quick trip to Ikea to find two patio chairs to decorate the BBQ oasis for C.'s return, some pug-walking, and maybe a little house cleaning (unless I can find a hundred things I'd rather be doing) ;o)

Just a month or so til the boy returns... woohoo!!!! Can't wait to have my best friend back and for the road trip adventures to begin!

Love and miss you all at home.

The place between the lines...

2011-05-21T16:51:00.004+02:00

There always comes a time when you are visiting the country where you no longer live, and begin to start missing the one you now call home, and you feel a bit split down the middle. I am constantly having to leave the people I love to be with the people I love.

After five and a half years away, you'd think I'd get used to this, but the truth is that it's just as hard every time. True, I'll be back again, and they'll come visit... but in the meantime, our lives will go on. The little ones will grow up quickly, the rest of us will change in ways we didn't expect, and when we all come back together, it is like being back home and starting anew all at once.

I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I am very fortunate to have found someone who loves this crazy life as much as me, and very fortunate that the people I care about are patient enough to let me come and go in their lives.

With our move to Germany, the story got more complicated than before. I am a Canadian citizen, an American resident, living in Germany... but I am so thankful for everyone I love and every adventure I've had.

Once he's home safe, I couldn't possibly ask for anything more.

2011-05-02T06:39:00.004+02:00

When I fell in love with a wonderful man who also happened to be a U.S. Army soldier, I wrestled with my personal politics daily. From my perch in a world that was black and white about war, I started to fray at the edges. How could I love this man but disagree with the war he was preparing to participate in? How could I support him as a partner but come to terms with my own preconceived notions of what a 'soldier' was and did?

Over the four years of our marriage, I have learned that nothing is black and white. Growing up Canadian, the military was far from my sight line. I rarely saw soldiers in uniform, didn't go to school with military kids, and didn't know a single person who worked for the military. I heard the term 'peacekeeper' instead of 'soldier' and judged U.S. foreign policy from the comfort that distance and a certain degree of ignorance supplies. And then I fell for a boy who had the same politics as I did... who shared the same ideology and worldview, and who was as much a contradiction in terms as I had come to realize I was myself.

I learned that patriotism comes in many forms and soldiers come with many different viewpoints themselves. I learned that it was much easier to wax poetic about peace when you didn't have anyone you love on either side of the fault line. I learned that people are happy to expound on their opinions at the dinner table, but rarely willing to sacrifice anything other than a second helping of dessert.

It is not as simple as good and evil... war and peace... us and them... or enemy and friend. There are so many different shades of grey. And so many people standing at the crossroads while we all debate the merits of it over coffee, before going back to our 'real' lives.

My husband, in an email he sent just after Osama Bin Laden's death was announced and crowds were gathering outside the White House to celebrate:

"Seeing people party when I haven't seen the flag come off half mast since I've been here, chills me. We have been on a high security alert due to suicide bombers, and it's been a bit crazy over here. I'm always safe, and I know that I'm coming home safe to the love of my life.........my home."

Celebrating someone's death, when almost 6000 soldiers have died in these two wars, is difficult to understand.

And while you are standing in line at Starbucks expounding on the fact that we shouldn't be involved in these wars, I'm standing behind you, wondering if the boy I fell in love with is safe and how long I'll have with him until he deploys again.

Ignorance is bliss... but it is also a luxury.

2011-05-02T06:12:00.000+02:00

Faces of the Fallen

Quiet...

2011-04-24T14:12:00.003+02:00

Thanks to jet lag, I've been waking up every morning at 5am on the dot. A friend of mine has been telling me for the past several months how peaceful it is being up that early, and although I have certainly done it often in the past, it was usually to run off to catch a plane, an early meeting, a run, or something specific to do. These last few days, since I'm not going to start work until Monday, it's been just to get up and sit, drink some tea, read the paper, respond to personal emails and watch the world go by.

Honestly... it's been kind of blissful.

To be fair, I go to bed pretty early as a result of the jet lag as well, but I get my 7 or 8 hours of sleep and I'm up before the sun. I haven't suckered myself into going for my run that early yet, but I'm psyching myself up for that as the next step. Still, the lure of a quiet morning looking out at the river is kind of amazing.

I sometimes wonder about what else I missed while I was always in such a hurry in my life.

Letters from the road...

2011-04-21T13:45:00.005+02:00

I love traveling. Although it is certainly more exhausting than it was 5 years ago, I still love exploring new airports and watching the world go by within their walls.

During my travels yesterday, I saw 4 different airports in four different countries. I watched the world go by on two continents and met people from South Africa, Australia, the Netherlands and North America.

Traveling reminds me how little verbal language actually matters. Of course, I love the spoken (and written) word, and literacy and language are important parts of building bridges, but it's not the only part. Finding common ground is much easier than one would think when a common language is not shared.

This is the thing that I love most about traveling. How a smile and kind act literally tears down walls. Giving your seat up in a crowded waiting room... laughing along with a group of people from many different lands as we walk through the new x-ray machines (that look like crazy time travel machines) at security in Amsterdam, and watching travel weary passengers perk up when a little dog is pulled out of his travel pouch for a game of fetch.

I helped a Dutch man figure out the inflight movie system on the plane, and shared stories about living in America with an Australian. I assisted a South African get a drink from the crazy drink dispenser in Frankfurt (that I had only a moment before figured out myself) and had a fellow passenger from who-knows-where pick up the scarf I dropped and chased me down to return it.

And I watched as many acts of kindness occur in the crowds around me. Bridges formed... boundaries broken. The more I travel, the more I recognize that we are all the same. That the things we focus on and prioritize as individuals, as countries, differ greatly. But many, many more things are universal.

I unfortunately also watched the opposite occur. I watched people who immediately judged and put up walls when they heard a foreign language, an accent, saw a different shade of skin. How much you miss out on. How little you see and experience when you put your guard up that way.

Countries, citizenship... those are loose boundaries by which to judge a person. Borders can be crossed. New ways of life explored. Citizenship changed. The country on our passports says something about us, surely... but not everything. It doesn't have to be the only thing that defines us.

And in the end, a smile and random act of kindness is the most universal bridge I know.

The baby debate...

2011-04-17T11:07:00.003+02:00

As a single woman, people feel it's their right to ask about marriage... constantly. Do you want to get married? Why aren't you married? Are you seeing anyone (that might lead to marriage)? etc... etc..

If you decide to marry the person you love (which is definitely not the only option to being together long-term), the questions change just slightly, and are still targeted most at the woman in the relationship. Do you have kids? When are you going to have kids? Why don't you have kids? Don't you like kids? etc... etc...

Growing up, I did a ton of babysitting. In college, I coached two girls soccer teams. I have always loved spending time with the kidlets in my family, and I truly loved teaching kindergarten while in Korea. But loving children is not the only reason to have your own. So many things come into play and where you are at any given time in your life is such an important factor in your decision.

Our life is very hectic. We have had four homes in four years. Korea, Texas, Tennessee, Germany. In each new place, we need to settle in, make new friends, find our way around, recreate a home. With C. gone so often, between training, business travel, and deployments, bringing a child into our world is not just a matter of two parents making the decision. One of those parents is going to be doing it alone for most of the year. But we have purposely chosen this life. We met in Seoul because we had both made previous decisions to leave our hometowns and have adventures abroad. Travel is as important to our lives as our families and friends are and we continue to make sacrifices to support one another in this life.

The thing that I have found most interesting about our journey through the baby debate, is that people really do debate it. Everyone offers their opinions about what you should do, everyone has their advice and most of it is given unsolicited. But for all the babysitting I did growing up, most of the children being under the age of 2, I know what a huge change in your life bringing a child into it is and how alone many moms feel in the journey. Still, the questions almost always come down to a debate between selflessness and selfishness. If you choose to have children, you are assume to be selfless, and if you choose not to, you are selfish. Although rates of people choosing to remain childless are on the rise throughout Europe and North America, the discussion is still taboo.

What interests me most at this stage of the game is the process of making the decision. I've never been one to do things simply because they are expected (for better or for worse). I tend to question everything. I didn't take my husband's last name because it never occurred to me that I would lose my family name when I got married. I see nothing strange about moving to foreign countries and setting up home. I have traveled a lot on my own, despite how 'dangerous' everyone will swear it is to do so as a woman. I see no difference in adopting or giving birth to a child as far as your capacity to love them goes... and I don't think that everyone needs to be married or have children in order to live a fulfilling life. It's all about personal choice.

Throughout this blog, I've been quite open and honest about the decisions I've struggled with, but I find so little information or conversation out there about how people choose if to have children of their own. It's a strange omission seeing how huge a decision it is and what a change it creates in the lives of the parents.

I feel good knowing that C. and I have been able to be really open and honest about the baby debate from the start of our marriage. We talk a lot to friends who have kids and those who have chosen not to, and discuss the decision with each other. And whatever decision we make will be exactly right for the two of us. But how strange that people feel entitled to pressure us to have them or not, but are so unwilling to be open about how they made their own decision.

It's not a science of course. You weigh the options and in the end, you jump in with your eyes closed and swim the best you can... but in this day and age, there are so many different options for how to live your life. Marriage, children, "settling down"... they are not the only paths any more, nor are they any less valid or important if they are the paths you choose.

For us, the debate goes on. Some days, when we are watching a family play in the tulips in Germany, we think it might be the path for us... but other times, when we decide on Friday night to go to Paris for a weekend of great food and fine wine, we think that the lifestyle we've been building is what suits us best.

Whatever we decide, we will have chosen it, as equal partners in this crazy life.

Re-learning courage...

2011-04-10T10:26:00.002+02:00

I think I've always been a cautious risk-taker. I love testing my limits, trying new things, attempting new tasks. But somewhere along the way, I've become a bit too cautious.

I don't know exactly where it happened or why. Somewhere between taking a risk on love and here I lost my nerve. Part of it is definitely the fact that I found someone to love that I also love just being with. We went through so much so early on in our marriage... facing deployment, military life, injuries, surgery, a full year of recovery, arriving in America at the start of a recession, and the heat of an unforgiving desert. Since finding our way through, and coming out of it with such an incredible degree of respect and love for one another, we've kind of been coasting ever since, enjoying just being.

The problem is that we are both risk-takers and with the Spring in full bloom here and the boy ready to get out of the sandbox, we are ready to jumpstart our coming year together.

The deployments force us to create Bucket Lists. It breaks the "What do we want to do in our lives" list down to "What do we want to do during this next year together". It makes everything more immediate and more important... much like living in a foreign country for a set amount of time does to you as well. You can't take anything for granted. We will hopefully get this coming summer together, but maybe not the next one. He'll be home for my birthday, but most likely gone for number 32. It all matters, no matter how quickly it's flying by.

So, we are working up the list of new things to test ourselves with and weighing all the options. As with all our decisions, everyone we love has their opinions on each, but we have learned that our marriage only became stronger once we realized that we should seek advice, but the final decision has to always be our own, as a team.

This coming year will spell a lot of change for us, we're just not sure which direction it's going to go just yet. I think cruising the German backroads in a motorcycle is at the top of the list, but so is more serious talk about the baby decision and whether it is really the right decision for us.

I know that the people we love will support us in whatever decisions we make, because we will still be 'us' no matter if we are rocking a baby carriage or a pug in a sidecar. And the beauty of the best friendships and family relationships is that we get to follow each other through these lives we choose, no matter how different the paths may appear.

One hundred million new beginnings...

2011-04-07T19:17:00.007+02:00

I love spring... the smell of flowers finding their sun and the way everyone seems to have a little bounce in their step that wasn't evident the month before.

I've been spring cleaning...closets, files, resolutions. I've been taking stock and putting things in perspective, and coming to terms with the approaching 31st birthday... and it's kind of wonderful.

Sure, things have changed. Parts of me have succumbed to gravity, lines are etching their way into my face and the colour is disappearing from my hair. I've been in better shape at other points in my life, at times, I've even been more idealistic... but I can't say that aging is bad. When I smile now... I have lines that remain after the smile has passed. A reminder of all the times I've laughed, giggled, shyly expressed happiness.

I appreciate the ability to run, lift weights, carry small children... precisely because it's not as easy as it used to be. I'm appreciative of my health, my eyesight, my energy, precisely because they are no longer something to be taken for granted.

I can no longer say that I look as good as I did when I was 23. I don't. The years are beginning to take their toll... gently... but still...

But I am so much smarter than I was at 23... or 25... or 28. I am more patient... more balanced... more accepting. I loved those ages. They were fabulous. I got into trouble, had my heart broken, broke my own heart, and found my way through. But I only knew myself a little bit back then... and I have come to know the people I love on so many different levels through these past many years.

When I weighed 120 pounds at 5'7, I didn't yet love my own body. I wasn't yet confident about where my beauty could be found, and I didn't yet recognize the beauty in the details of what makes us each unique. It would take many years (and many poorly chosen outfits) to realize that style is uniquely personal and impossible to develop until you have come through the trends to find yourself.

I have learned that we never stop learning. That we never figure it out. That once you learn to do something well, it's time to try something new. I have learned that just when you think you recognize the view from someone else's window, the season changes.

But most of all, as the warm spring sun works it's magic on this new country I find myself calling home, I think about how the most important experiences are the ones that really challenge us. The ones that make us a little bit uncomfortable and stretch us further than we thought we could go.

I don't know about you, but I don't seem to learn any other way...

2011-04-04T21:37:00.000+02:00

e.e. cummings - i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet) i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

2011-03-25T14:08:00.004+01:00

Many times in my life (so many that I am embarrassed to admit it) I have put on a fake smile and chipper demeanor when I was actually anything but fine. For most of my 30 years, I mistook this as a sign of strength. The ability to hunker down and get through anything that fell before me. But, in the last several years, I have come to realize that there is a fine line between making it through and making it harder on yourself.

Most of my closest friends are the same way. We wrestle with the idea of leaning on each other, and do our best not to burden anyone with what we might be going through at any given moment. But, there is power in owning up to the truth... to admitting that some things are bigger then you, and you're doing a poor job of handling it.

Yesterday, I had a very long talk with a new friend (who feels like an old one), and was reminded that laying it all out on the table can help you to survey the situation and find your strength.

In Canada, building a career, amassing material things, and in a relationship I knew wasn't healthy for me, I knew something had to change. I was afraid to say it because I thought it meant that I was irresponsible, but I knew deep down that the life I was so busy building for myself wasn't going to be enough. I was afraid to admit that I wanted something that lay off the path I was already following.

In Korea, I met so many people who were dealing with the same feelings, and suddenly an entire world was opened up to us. You could live and work abroad. You could travel and still build relationships, fall in love, keep friendships strong, even from afar.

When I married a soldier and was thrown into the military life, I didn't tell the truth about how hard it was. I didn't just open up and say to the people I loved that I was drowning, in the rules, and the regulations, the heat of the desert, the culture shock and loneliness. Until it was almost too late for my marriage, I didn't tell the truth... that I loved him, but I was losing myself.

It was never about lying. The people I loved knew I was having a hard time, but lying and not telling the absolute truth are very different things. I said I was fine, because I wanted to be. I was afraid if I admitted I wasn't, I'd be admitting that I was never going to be fine, or that I had made a mistake.

But the truth truly does sound different when you say it out loud, and there is strength in it. Once I started talking about it, everything changed. I found a voice. I learned that I can say "I need help to handle this" and the people I love will rally. They sit and listen and share their own difficulties. We no longer have to tiptoe around each other and we find ways to move forward.

I am so sad without him. He is my favourite person and I miss him every moment of every day. Having chosen this life doesn't make this part any easier, and the only way to get through it is to tell the truth. I'm doing okay, and I'm a wreck. Both are totally true... depending on the moment and the day. But through this deployment, I have learned the most from spouses who are honest about what it's like.

As a wise woman recently put it:

"You suck it up and get on with it... of course. But first, you fall apart. First, you rent some 20 movies or buy some books and lay in bed until you've gotten through every last one. First you get sad, then angry, then sad again. And you give yourself a f$%king break... cause this s$%t is hard."

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Spring...

2011-03-21T14:57:00.003+01:00

Spring has officially arrived here in Germany and I can be found standing outside staring at the sun.

Okay, maybe not staring... more like facing the sun with my eyes closed, and just absorbing the warmth.

I feel a little bit like those lizards and snakes that have to sit in the sun for a while to warm up their blood enough to get moving around. I really, really, really hate the cold. I like snow, and Christmas, and skiing, and the chance to build fires in our fireplace, but when it comes time to get my tush out the door, I shrink back and wrestle with my instinct to hibernate.

Apparently, I'm not alone. Although my German neighbours are very active year round, they too seemed to have been hiding out until the weekend before last when the tempurature rose and the sun snuck out from behind the clouds.

Ezzie and I are rejuvenated. We've been going on extra long walks, I've been hitting the gym, and we've been wandering downtown to shop or sightsee more often.

This past weekend, I took a USO tour to Cuijk, Holland, to a flea market with some friends, and although the busride was pretty long, it was a great day! Still, being at these things makes me miss C. even more, but staying in the house is not the answer either. It's a constant struggle to find a new normal while he's gone, but we are making it work.

One of my resolutions this year was to find the positive in the negatives. So far, seeing someone expose a side of themselves I had not seen before helped me to see two other people's perspectives much more clearly, which was a blessing in disguise.

This deployment has been a challenge as well, but I have found the positives in it. I have been watching many people deal with the stress of deployments in their own way, and although all of our circumstances are different and everyone has to find their way through on their own, I am very fortunate in that C. and I were able to dip our toes into this with the last deployment and found that the challenges we faced through it actually made us a stronger team.

In the day to day, I am faced with the choice of either curling up in a ball and waiting for him to return, or finding a way to keep moving forward and make the best of this time so I am not resentful or weaker when he returns. It isn't always easy. There are days when a sad movie, or dealing with someone else's stress knocks you to the ground for whatever reason, but overall, I think I am finding my way through.

The blessing in the deployments is the opportunity to never take the time you have together for granted. Everytime we grocery shop together, every trip, every night out for dinner, it's not something I get every day of the year. Four years into our marriage, and I still get goosebumps when I get an email or phone call, and am nervous when I see him again at the airport. I am reminded not to put things off til 'later', or 'sometime'. In a strange way, the time apart keeps bringing us together.

It is difficult, of course. There are so many things to negotiate and find a balance in when it comes to this life we have chosen. But once you get past trying to please everyone else, and just take care of each other and yourself... well, it just seems to fit.

Looking back...

2011-03-15T22:30:00.002+01:00

Thus is one of my favorite past blog posts that got me reminiscing this evening.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 01, 2006
On learning to take your own advice...

I'm currently reading a book called "What I Know Now: Letters to my younger self". It is a collection of letters and biographies about women in all walks of life who write to their younger self to give advice that they learned living through that time.

Now I realize that this may sound a bit contrite... but it got me thinking about how much we look back and wish we had done something differently, knowing more, known enough to revel in the moment rather than be in such a hurry to rush through it.

It's such an interesting concept... looking back and both reevaluating what you've been through and recognizing all that you learned.

As the book begins... if you could write a letter postmarked to your former self, "what age would you choose and what would the letter say?".

Here is mine:

Dear Suz,

You are sixteen years old and in such a damn hurry to grow up. You spend so much time thinking about what university degree you should pursue, what kind of life you want to lead when you can finally start living one as an adult... that you are missing so much. And one day, only a few years from now, the hardest decision you will ever make, the one that almost breaks you, will also be the one that changes your entire life... but only after it pushes you to the ground.

You have so much to learn, and you shouldn't fear this.

Already, you find it impossible to accept help when you need it. You mistake stubbornness for independence. Pigheadedness for strength. Fear of risk for a goal-oriented outlook.

But there are roses, and dances, and shy kisses and silent crushes. If you slow down for a while, you will learn wisdom in the heartbreak. Compassion in the broken promises, strength in the failure. If you revel for just a moment in the fall, you will see that it is also what teaches you to walk again.

You are stronger than you are weak.

You are only responsible for your own happiness... and that is a choice you can make, starting right now.

You are so worried, one year until the end of high school, that you don't have enough time. This urgent sense that you should have accomplished more, read more, written more, done more... and all the time you have spent with your eyes shut, lost in thought, you have missed everything around you. All the people you love wrestling with their own, coming into their own, figuring it out, messing it up, just like you. And you have so much to learn from them and their struggles. Strength. Brilliance. Patience. Unconditional love. The abyss of sadness, where it's your choice to enter and your responsibility to escape. While your head is in university textbooks, studying the psychology of people, you are missing out on the ones that will have the greatest effects on you.

The man you swear you love is not the one you will be most happy with, and when you are both finally able to see this, you will unfurl yourselves from each others lives and see that though there may have been some damage done, and neither of you left unscathed, you have learned so much from it... and it is simply time to move on.

And all the while that you are deciding on the person you want to become, you are missing out on the person you are and all the contradictions that make her life worthwhile. And if you stop planning how you want your life to go, you might just be able to take a look around and see that it is exactly as it should be... and it will not happen any faster than it is going to happen.

You will stumble onto love, many years from now, in the most unusual of places. And though you will be terrified of it, and not even sure that you are ready for it, something deep inside will rail against your instinct to run and hide, and he will be patient enough to wait for you to come around. He will be more than worth it, and more than anything you could ever have hoped for. He will be a mentor, a best friend, and your entire cheering section. And although you will swear up and down that you don't need another person to complete you, he will... Precisely because he would never presume to.

In your future, there will be travel and beauty and sadness (more than you could imagine) and happiness (almost more than you can handle). There will be friendship and love and adventure and choices.

Slow down. Know that you will never know enough, see enough, understand enough. Don't strive to learn it all... strive to seek more. You will get where you need to go. But the lessons you need to learn will be learned at exactly their own time and place.

It will never be about overcoming your contradictions... it will be about learning to live with them. Even love them a little. It is less about becoming the person you want to be, and more about being the person you are.

Oh, and don't forget to stop being so damn stubborn!

- From somone who knows.... (sort of)

Beautifully put...

2011-03-15T21:26:00.002+01:00

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
~W.S. Merwin, "Separation"

I am tired, Beloved,
of chafing my heart against
the want of you;
of squeezing it into little inkdrops,
And posting it.
~Amy Lowell, "The Letter"

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell. ~Edna St Vincent Millay

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. ~Lamartine

'Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.'
-Rumi

The Journey
By Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could

This Was Once A Love Poem
By Jane Hirshfield

This was once a love poem,
before its haunches thickened, its breath grew short,
before it found itself sitting,
perplexed and a little embarrassed,
on the fender of a parked car,
while many people passed by without turning their heads.

It remembers itself dressing as if for a great engagement.
It remembers choosing these shoes,
this scarf or tie.

Once, it drank beer for breakfast,
drifted its feet
in a river side by side with the feet of another.

Once it pretended shyness, then grew truly shy,
dropping its head so the hair would fall forward,
so the eyes would not be seen.

It spoke with passion of history, of art.
It was lovely then, this poem.
Under its chin, no fold of skin softened.
Behind the knees, no pad of yellow fat.
What it knew in the morning it still believed at nightfall.
An unconjured confidence lifted its eyebrows, its cheeks.

The longing has not diminished.
Still it understands. It is time to consider a cat,
the cultivation of African violets or flowering cactus.

Yes, it decides:
Many miniature cacti, in blue and red painted pots.
When it finds itself disquieted
by the pure and unfamiliar silence of its new life,
it will touch them—one, then another—
with a single finger outstretched like a tiny flame.

Embracing the curves...

2011-03-11T19:56:00.005+01:00

Growing up, I hated my hair. I was a tomboy, hated dresses and skirts, loathed anything with a heel, "low-cut" or "super tight" just weren't in vocabulary and I rarely wore makeup or jewelry. I loved sports, the outdoors, and water in it's many forms. So of course, my hair and b0dy rebelled. I had long, curly, blond hair that refused to be wrangled by ponytails or hats, and as I hit my teen years, my body's curves attacked from behind... literally.

I became really insecure about my butt early on. Sharing Beyonce's behind would have been great, if I'd learned to embrace my shape and roll with it, but all the white girls I saw in magazines and on television were either teeny tiny or busty up top with little behind. I was the opposite, and people started to notice.

In high school, I learned that I could cover my curves with a well placed cardigan or sweater wrapped around my waist that my best friend referred to as my "butt wrap". I was essentially trying to erase my curves... erase what made me stand out.

All this while, I straightened my hair by blowing it out almost everyday. I hated the waves and bouncing curls because they didn't seem to represent me, so instead I sold my soul to the blow-drying devil and spent 30 minutes frying under hot air to straighten it each day.

I hit 30 this year. At first, I struggled with it. I wondered what I was supposed to 'be' at this age... who I was supposed to have become. I wondered if I'd made enough of a 'success' of myself, and crossed enough of the things off my list that I wanted to do. I was always looked up to women over 30 because they seemed like everything I wanted to be. Self assured, confident, assertive, taking life by the reigns.

Since C. has been gone, I've been in a pretty severe deployment funk. I've gotten a lot done and kept busy since he left, but I just haven't been myself. Today, I broke out of the rut and spent an hour at the gym clearing my head. Since we don't have cable at home, I watched an hour of news coverage about the tsunami in Japan and reminded myself that life is unpredictable and too damn short.

If I'm honest with myself, then I have to admit that I haven't always been honest with myself. I am a curly haired girl... and no matter how fit I get, I will always have a bubble butt, both of which are in my genes. I am very fortunate in that I have a gorgeous, incredible husband who loves both of those attributes, so what the hell am I waiting for?

Time to embrace the curls and the curves... because life is too damn short to spend worrying about what might have been.

One thing...

2011-03-07T16:20:00.003+01:00

One of my favourite bits of advice is to do one thing, everyday, that scares you. Just one thing that you've been putting off for fear of being judged, in a bit of danger, or because past experiences have made you shy.

I have done many wonderful things that once scared me and have learned so much about myself as a result. I paid my way through university, moved out on my own, went on road trips, moved across the world... three times, followed my heart into the unknown, and leapt off a cliff or two (both literally and figuratively).

What happened the other day on my walk brought up a lot of emotions that I had not dealt with fully in the past, and I found myself afraid to leash up the pug and go on our daily walk. So today, the one thing that I needed to do that scared me was walk my dog.

The things that scare us are so uniquely personal and hard to explain. Some are mostly universal, like sky-diving or driving on the autobahn for the first time, but most are small, less obvious things that have an unexplainable hold on us and affect the way we live our lives. The problem is that the longer we let them have that hold on us, the bigger they seem to grow, until we convince ourselves that they are impossible to overcome.

So today, I went for a walk, as usual. I was careful and had my eyes and ears open, but the point wasn't just to walk, but to enjoy it like I usually do. I'll admit, I've been putting it off for several days. Since what happened the other day occurred so close to our house, I was afraid to go out on foot, heading to a friend's house and the local store by car over the weekend. So I had to do the one thing that now made me a little nervous, otherwise I knew I would just be more fearful over time.

We had a moment or two, when a man in a black jacket and pants came walking our way, looking very much like the guy the other day, but once I realized it wasn't him (and Ezzie stopped growling), I relaxed and just took in the beautiful day and fresh air.

The world is not a scary place, but there are some scary people in it. The problem with letting those people affect your behaviour is that you miss the smiles and kind acts from all the rest.

Today was Step One, quiet walk with the pug. Tomorrow is Step Two, go to the market on my own. Surrounded by men and women going about their day and kind shopkeepers who teach me German as I pick up my veggies for the week. This is the world I know 90% of the time. Safe and sound. Time to focus on that for the rest of the week.

Coming to terms...

2011-03-05T09:55:00.007+01:00

The last few weeks I've been thinking a lot about safety. My husband's safety in Afghanistan, my safety here on my own, travel advisories warning against travel in Egypt and Morocco (places that were in our travel plans up until recently), and the recent attack on U.S. military members at Frankfurt Airport.

As a women, you are constantly aware of your personal safety, or lack thereof. People often tell you what is 'safe' for you to do and what is not...

"Don't travel alone."
"Don't talk to strangers."
"Don't go out alone at night."
"Don't go on road trips alone."
"Don't live on your own."
"Don't dress too provocatively."

The problem is that unless you are planning to be tied at the hip to someone else every minute of your entire life, you are going to do some of these things, if not all of them. The last one: "Don't dress too provocatively" is a tricky one too, because what it means is that the simple act of wearing something form-fitting makes you more likely to be a victim.

The problem is that so many of these bits of advice make it seem as though we have the ability to stop unwanted advances or attacks. The line of thinking goes that if you break any of the rules above, you risk something bad happening. But this negates the fact the you are more likely to be attacked by someone you know well, close to your home, and that an attack has to do with the person doing the attacking, not the one being attacked.

That being said, taking self-defense classes absolutely do help. I took two, once with my mom and Grandmother and once with my girlfriends. At the time, I'll admit, I thought it was kind of useless. I felt that if something ever did happen, I would forget everything that I'd learned, but that just wasn't the case.

In 2005, I was attacked in my apartment in Seoul. I struggled for a long time with what happened. I downplayed the serious of it and generally refused to talk about the details. I pretended it hadn't affected me and lived for a long time without saying out loud the truth about it: that my anger saved me from being raped.

Even now, typing that, saying it out loud makes me cry. I did not know my attacker, had never seen him before and was in severe shock after the attack.

But the truth is, the self-defense class saved my life. I was attacked from behind (which is the most common way women are attacked) and once I realized what was happening, I went into fight mode. I yelled, swore, hit, kicked. A well placed clothesline knocked him to the floor and once he went running, I locked the door and I sat in the middle of my apartment facing the door the entire rest of the night with a kitchen knife in my hand.

This unfortunately was not the first time something had happened to me. In Winnipeg in 2004, with the company I worked for in the papers and on television a few times a month, a man I had never met started to follow me. He began showing up at my place of work and when I had public events or speaking engagements. He tracked down my work phone number and started leaving bizarre messages about marriage and love. Once the police had identified him, I found myself at the law courts late at night filing a restraining order. I was 23 or 24. It was bizarre. To be honest, I downplayed the whole thing. Thought the guy would have eventually just left me alone, but he had a history of violence and was well known to the police. And one night, after I returned home from work, I received a call from two police officers because he had been found just a block away from my house.

I think that for a long time, I thought that not sharing my story was the best plan. I thought that it was just bad luck and that no real good could come from talking about what I have been through, but today, I know that my experiences have taught me that although you can't prevent these things from happening, there are things you can do to ensure you're safety once someone puts you in that situation.

Yesterday, on a walk with my dog at 3:30 in the afternoon on a busy street near my home in Germany, my anger and self-defense class again came to my aide. A man approached me and asked for directions. Being relatively new to the area, I couldn't help, and apologized and walked on. My intuition told me to be careful, as he seemed sightly 'off' and had moved in much too close to me and seemed to be studying my face. Ezra and I walked away and made sure to stay on the main street in plain site of all the cars and pedestrians walking by. After about 100 feet, I realized that he was still following me although he had been headed in the opposite direction when I walked away. He approached again as we waited to cross the street, and in a low voice said something vulgar that does not deserve to be repeated and stepped towards me so he was only about three inches from my face.

At first, I was in shock, but then, the good old anger kicked in. I squared off to him and got loud, making it clear that I would not be an easy victim. This is where the 'fight or flight' mode kicks in, and although I was frightened, I also knew that turning my back to him was not safe.

I'm fine and as always, am 'careful'. But truthfully, the world is not a safe place for women. Please, please, take a women's self-defense course, or two! Talk about these things when they happen, otherwise, you are made a victim again and again. First by the actual experience, and again each time you feel unsafe, or change your lifestyle or habits because of someone like this.

It's not okay... it's not just boys being boys and men being men, because there are many, many wonderful men out there that would never put a woman in such a situation. You have done NOTHING to provoke this, and it is not your fault. But by not talking about the things that happen to us, we do not prepare our daughters and girlfriends to face the world we currently live in.

And next time your intuition tells you something isn't right and your anger rears it's ugly head... give yourself a little pat on the back, because there is a time and a place for the fight in every woman.

__________________________________________________________________________

This is an Ani Difranco song about coming to terms with the violence girls & women deal with in their lives.

What I've learned this week...

2011-02-27T10:36:00.006+01:00

Stress is a funny thing, because you don't really know the total extent of it until you are almost through it.

We've been holding things together pretty well over the past month. Long walks, work, some semblance of a routine... but then you go a week without news, and once you hear his voice on the phone, the wave hits and sends you reeling.

My role model for handling stress has always been my dad. Stress as a motivator, as a force to propel you forward. The problem is that once the stress passes, you end up feeling as though you spent a week treading water. Your whole body is exhausted with pretending that everything was fine. You are a puddle.

Until you're not.

That's the thing. This life, it tests you. It pushes you to see how far you can bend, how much weight you can carry, and then it sets you back at the start, to try your hand at it all over again.

In my old age ;o) I have learned that it's okay to admit that it's hard. To say it aloud (or to write it to the world), is the only way to survive it.

This is hard. Sometimes, more then I think I can handle on my own... But just then, I realize that at times of stress I have often been forced to see most clearly. Propelled forward by the simple fact of testing my resolve.

If it wasn't for stress, would we ever be compelled to make positive changes in our lives?

And besides, all this time treading water, has made me a much stronger swimmer. ;o)

2011-02-21T20:38:00.003+01:00

It's hard not to be inspired by the art of Europe.

Here is a Marc Chagall stained glass from Metz, France. It is his depiction of Adam and Eve. Just beautiful.

And more beautiful stained glass at a cathedral in Metz.

Re-learning to go solo...

2011-02-21T13:58:00.005+01:00

The thing about being an independent traveller is that once you find someone you really love traveling with, its hard to go back to traveling on your own. I have gone solo in Japan, China, Thailand, Korea, the U.S. and Canada and now Germany... and there is something to solo travel. When on a trip with people you care about, you get wrapped up in your personal conversations and can sometimes miss out on the very reasons for traveling... allowing yourself to be vulnerable and lost in a foreign world, which provides you with the opportunity to test your patience and beliefs.

I've been lucky enough to have fallen in love with someone who also loves the unexpected, sometimes slightly disasterous, adventure of losing yourself in a new place. He is literally up for any adventure and gets a thrill out of the mishaps and excitement that goes along with losing the map and jumping headfirst into a foreign land.

Unfortunately, he won't be able to join me on any trips for the next several months, and it is incredible how much you can miss having your partner in crime along for the ride.

The thing is that travel has been a part of my life for the last ten years. Since I first time I ditched the supposed safety of the seaside resort and took a bus into the city in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, I've been addicted to the unexpected experiences that travel provides. I have done things on my own that I might not have considered had I had a buffer, and they have not always turned out well. From getting my hair cut by a ladyboy on an island in Thailand (awesome haircut and experience), to driving a motorbike off the edge of a ravine (and somehow climbing out of it in tact), to changing plans at the last second to climb the Great Wall. Being on your own in the world makes you really test yourself and has given me the courage to build a life I love.

I knew that getting back on the saddle and taking a day trip was the only way to kick myself out of the deployment blues (which had such a hold of me that I was starting to think I was having a relationship with my iTV). I signed up for a day trip to the antiques market and city tour of Metz, France over the weekend and it was precisely what the doctor ordered.

On one hand, on the drive down, I was feeling incredibly sad. C. and I had been to Metz a month or two before he left, and I knew it was going to be hard to be there without him, but I've also learned that being in a place where we have been together helps me to remember that deployments don't last forever, and keep me moving forward so I'm strong when he returns.

In an email to my mother-in-law a few weeks back, I described how I was feeling as 'living the wait'. It's a very strange thing to try to describe, but that phrase really works for me. Waiting is such a passive thing. It implies that the waiting has taken over your life and makes you feel that you have little control. Sitting with several deployment spouses several weeks back, I realized that we are all grieving, and after months and months of it, you end up feeling resentful. The statistics in the military aren't great for marriages. By the time a soldier retires, it's expected that he'll have experience at least one, and often up to three divorces. This sounds shocking to anyone outside the realm of military life, but for those in it, it's all to real.

It's rough. It took me a long time to get to the point where I can roll with the news that we're moving again, where I can celebrate that he'll be home for Christmas this year, rather then feel sad that he'll most likely miss the next one. The funny thing is, although being on my own and completely independent for so long made it hard to negotiate married life for the first several years, it's actually what's allowed me to handle it well now. There are certain truths that once you accept, make this type of life a lot easier:

-For me, they are that I will never be able to say for sure where we'll be living in two years.
-That I need to continue to build a career that travels with me.
-That home is wherever you make it, for however long.
-That I will spend a great deal of time in my marriage on my own, and if we chose to have a child, as a single mother for months at a go.
-And that none of this would be worth it, not a single moment of it, if it wasn't someone I loved and respected so much that I was waiting for.

Sometimes, it sucks more then any degree of optimistic self-talk could help get you through... but mostly, I recognize it as a life that we have chosen and that as with any choice, comes with its difficulties and benefits. I know that many people may not understand... luckily, they don't have to. That's the best part of this world of ours, you make your choices and let others make theirs. The trick, is bridging the gap with compassion. ;o)

A few of my favourite poems and quotes...

2011-02-17T20:24:00.003+01:00

I Am Becoming

by Jayne Relaford Brown

I am becoming
the woman I’ve wanted,
grey at the temples,
soft body, delighted,
cracked up by life
with a laugh that’s
known bitter
but, past it, got better,
knows she’s a survivor
that whatever comes,
she can outlast it.
I am becoming a deep
weathered basket.

I am becoming the woman
I’ve longed for,
the motherly lover
with arms strong and tender,
the growing up daughter
who blushes surprises.
I am becoming full moons
and sunrises.
I find her becoming,
this woman I’ve wanted,
who knows she’ll encompass,
who knows she’s sufficient,
knows where she’s going
and travels with passion.
Who remembers she’s precious,
but knows she’s not scarce
who knows she is plenty,
plenty to share.

"I think that perhaps we always fall in love the very first time we see the man of our dreams, even though, at the time, reason may be telling otherwise, and we may fight against that instinct, hoping against hope that we won't win, until there comes a point when we allow ourselves to be vanquished by our feelings..." -
-- Paulo Coelho

"You drown not by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it." -
-- Paulo Coelho

A Serious Question
~Axel Kutsch (*1945)

In the first snow
having come so early
this year
three boys are playing
war.

Pangpang
they call
falling down and
getting up immediately.

Shaking the snow
from their clothes
one of them asks:
How does one
actually play
peace?

By: Anna Swirszczynska

The old man
leaves his house, carries books.
A German soldier snatches his books
flings them in the mud.

The old man picks them up,
the soldier hits him in the face.
The old man falls,
the soldier kicks him and walks away.

The old man
lies in mud and blood.
Under him he feels
the books.

A list...

2011-02-16T22:11:00.003+01:00

Sometimes, when you are feeling down, the best thing to do is to give yourself over to it for a few hours. Here are a few of my all time favourite songs to help get you through those hours.

2011-02-16T13:16:00.002+01:00

The sun arrived today, blindingly through curtains. Germans, pugs, and one Canadian could be heard yelling "yipee" and jumping out of bed.

After a long walk with the pug and a morning cup of tea, I'm about to settle into a chair on the patio and study some web design.

Spring always arrives just in time.

And with that thought, here are a few of the things I am coveting right now:

-Gardening skills. We have a great little 'secret garden' type of backyard, but I'm at a loss as to what to do with it. Since we are only here three years, I can't mess with it too much, but I'd love to add some wildflowers and container garden... hmmm...

-Soft fabrics in delicious colours. I have finally figured out, in my old age, that I much prefer quality over quantity when it comes to pretty much everything, and that I need to wear colour. Yes, this one I have heard from friends for years, but I didn't really realize how bad the situation had gotten until I was doing my laundry last week and hanging up my clothes. Black, grey, brown, beige, black, grey, brown, beige. It is officially time to branch out.

-Fresh tulips from the market, for $2.99 no less!

-An exercise routine that can't be ruined by constant downpours. This one, I plan to work on next week, since the rain will arrive again by weeks end.

-German language skills. I've signed up for a course and am picking up a used copy of Rosetta Stone this weekend, so we're on track, but this is not an easy language to learn.

-Time with old friends. Meeting new people is fantastic, but there are certain people that you just know will always be an important part of your life, even if its been a while since you sat down with a glass of wine and hours of catching up.

-The continued ability to grow. I feel so blessed that I have had so many people in my life, good and bad, who have taught me about the world and myself. In some cases, it was very hard, and if I could have wished it away, I would have, but I do honestly believe that every single person you are faced with shapes you somehow and gives you the ability to grow beyond the situation, even those who are purposely trying to cause you pain.

-Learning to be on my own again. It's a strange thing to truly balance the ability to be a good partner and still be on your own. Deployments make this especially evident because you can either curl up and hide because your best friend is away, or live the wait and be strong for when they return. Whether your partner deploys or not, it is a balance we all seek to achieve. How to be in love without losing all your dreams and aspirations to the collective.

Oh Sun, you fickle friend...

2011-02-15T16:02:00.003+01:00

I miss the sun. I miss its light and warmth and ability to turn this poor dying grass into something you actually want to walk barefoot in. I miss rays of light through windows and the sight of a pug basking in its warmth.

Oh sun, why have you forsaken me?

How depressing to have a thin layer of gray clouds cover the entire sky all day and evening, day after day after day. Even on the days when the German weather says it's going to be sunny, what they mean is that there will be sun, somewhere, behind a thin layer of clouds, but you won't actually see any of its rays.

Being without the sun for so long, a miraculous thing does happen when it finds its way from behind the clouds. Everyone develops a little spring in their step and a smile on their face. It's the strangest thing... how something can affect the mood of so many people so quickly. Yes, us sun-starved Germans are pretty easy to please.

So, please repeat after me, wherever you are:

I will not take a sunny day for granted.
I will not take a sunny day for granted.
I will send Sue some vitamin D tablets and self-tanner. ;o)

Hee hee... okay, just kidding. I think the lack of sun is making me start to crack up. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

Love and miss you all, whatever weather and part of the world you find yourself in.

Getting by...

2011-02-14T15:54:00.002+01:00

On the way to the library this morning, the gate guard asked me how my Valentine's Day was going. A simple pleasantry that he was probably extending to every person who's ID he checked today before waving them on base. But it made me realize that I don't always know how to respond to questions like this because the answer is complicated.

During deployments, the range of emotion is so great that at any moment in time, it's nearly impossible to answer a question as simple as "How are you?"... because the truthful answer is "good... and awful".

With communication to C. cut off during the first part of the weekend, and bad news in the papers, I found myself emotionally exhausted by the time he was able to call and say that everything was all right. This happens often during the months of deployment, but you never really get used to it. Avoiding the news altogether really isn't an option, and it is also difficult when you know that there are things happening there that the media doesn't even know of at home. It's very strange living in between the lines.

And all the while, you know that this is his choice, his job. You can hear in his voice when he calls that although he misses you terribly, he is proud of his role in protecting the NATO troops there. You know that your personal opinions about this war, or war in general, matter little while he's over there. And the truth is that you would wait forever for him, rather than live your life with anyone else. But making those choices doesn't make the waiting any easier.

Our pugsitter and friend said it seemed like Ezra was depressed since the deployment, and I'd have to agree. Today, he refused to leave the house and has been sleeping all day, barely moving and inch. When we go for a walk, he always seems so anxious to get back, and then disappointed when he finds the house empty, searching the places where C. would normally be found.

There are small victories in the fight against the deployment blues though. This past week, I killed my first 'deployment spider' as I have come to name them. I have saved our pug from a water snake in Tennessee, killed cockroaches while Jeril screamed from a chair in Thailand and let a rainforest beetle crawl on my arm at a science museum in Korea, but I am more afraid of spiders then is probably normal. I hate them. I know, most are not at all poisonous and they eat other bugs and mostly keep to themselves. I cannot explain my fear and it isn't rational (which is pretty much the exact definition of a phobia), but there it is... Luckily C. is the fearless spider killer (or releaser) in our home. I am the one that grabs Ezra and runs out of the room screaming in some sort of incoherent gibberish. Not my finest moments.

So, when I spotted the spider on the ceiling the other day, and after realizing that no one was going to take care of it for me, I took matters into my own hands and may Mr. Spider now rest in peace. (Afterwards, Ezra and I may or may not have danced around the house for approximately 10 minutes in celebration of our victory.)

After the spider incident, I decided it was time to get out of my head and back into the world... officially. I signed up for a day trip to Metz, France and for a month of German language lessons twice a week. The trip to Metz was really good and I met some terrific new people, then spent the rest of the weekend cooking up some treats to send C. in this week's care package.

So... in answer to the question, "How are you?", I can honestly say:
"Good... and bad."

And in response to the well-meaning gate guard this morning:

"Today isn't Valentine's Day, because he's not yet here."

Competitive streak... where have you gone?

2011-02-08T17:13:00.005+01:00

Nothing makes you feel more tired and out of shape then having a 65 year old neighbor who sprints past your window twice a day during his long runs. Sprints. Not jogs... sprints. And did I mention that I live at the top of a hill? He sprints UP the hill.

This got me thinking about motivation. I am motivated to go on a jog or a walk. I am motivated to eat well and take the stairs. But I am not motivated to sprint up the hill. How does he do it day after day?

When I was younger and playing soccer competitively, I was very motivated to push myself physically. I was competitive about how many laps around the field I could do, how many sit-ups and push-ups, how many shut-outs I could add to our stats. But somewhere along the way, I lost my competitive drive when it came to my physical abilities. I like to bike, walk, jog, hike... but if I'm honest with myself, I haven't really pushed myself physically in years.

After being diagnosed with a stress fracture in my spine (a soccer injury diagnosed too late to reverse it), I shied away from pushing myself I think. At 16, I knew what pushing yourself too hard could do to your body. The year of being in a back cast, the physio and visits to the doctor and drugs that made my back feel better, but my brain cloud over during class.

I was never the same after it. What made me so good as a goalkeeper, my fearlessness, was lost. I knew that I could get hurt. I never pushed myself physically again.

C.'s injury and surgery while in the army did the same for him, and so, we only recently found our way back to our bikes, hikes, and runs. But with him so far away, working out every day to keep the time passing in a war zone, I have absolutely no excuse but to pick a physical goal and work towards it.

I need something very tangible. A marathon... a race... a specific goal to hit. I'll have to think about it a little bit... but with my sprinting neighbor... I have a twice daily reminder that I need to take things up a notch.

and then it hits you...

2011-02-03T16:47:00.002+01:00

There comes a point in the first few weeks of a deployment when it hits you. He's not gone for a couple of days, or a week. It's not a month long training exercise, or a conference in D.C. It's going to be months upon months upon months before you see him again.

It snuck up on me last time too. No matter how busy I kept myself, no matter how often we were able to talk or how much I knew he was okay, one day, out of nowhere, I ran smack into the wall and had to just sit down and lean against it for a while. Let it wash over me.

Today was that day.

An email from my love, a hot cup of tea, a walk in the great outdoors and some quality time with trashy tv and a pug. The only prescription I know for the deployment blues.

Books I'm reading & ones I'm coveting...

2011-01-31T19:52:00.008+01:00

I've been reading a ton lately. Some stuff for my career, some for fun, and some to fulfill my resolutions. So here are the books I'm reading and the ones I hope to be reading soon.

P.S. Your local library misses you. Why not pay it a visit? Or, if you're in Canada, search out a McNally Robinson Booksellers. Trust me. Independent booksellers are where it's at. :o)

I've just started reading Eve Ensler's (author of The Vagina Monologues) book called "Insecure At Last". I always love Ensler's no nonsense approach to the world and her writing. So far, this one is proving an interesting read, as she deals with the myriad of ways in which we try to establish a sense of security in our lives, and how the very concept keeps us from being unsure enough to accept new ideas and grow. I'm really enjoying it.

This one is on my 'must read next' list. I've heard great things... any of you read it yet?

I'm also currently reading Runner's World (the running magazine) Book of Women's Running. It's really interesting how the types of injuries differ between men and women and how the composition of our body requires us to train differently. I'm hoping to get back into running once the weather warms up a bit. I find that my asthma absolutely hates the cold, and doesn't bother me as much the rest of the year, so once we are back in the plus side of the thermostat, I'll be breaking out my shoes and iPod for those runs.

This one was one of my resolutions, so bear with me as I make up every excuse in the book not to start running again.. and then finally just get out there to prove myself wrong. :o)

Cooking as a hobby

2011-01-31T17:09:00.002+01:00

Cooking is my favorite new hobby. Since I first moved out on my own after university, I've loved being in a cosy kitchen with a view to the outside world, cutting up fresh veggies and hearing the satisfying sizzle of something in the pan.

Lately, I've been cooking without poultry, pork, or red meat. I won't lie. I crave roast chicken and beef quit often, but I've been doing pretty well on the wagon. I'm still eating seafood, so that helps with the cravings, but being forced to think mainly veggie has made me much more creative in the kitchen.

While everyone is wandering the middle aisles of the supermarket, I'm residing in the vegetable section, slightly mesmerized by the colours and textures. Or you can find me in the market, trying my German language skills with the friendly stall owners.

I have so much more energy since going mainly veggie, and although I was skeptical at first (which is my nature), I've found that I feel full longer as well.

Now, back to reading "Veganomicon" and getting creative in the kitchen!

Moving beyond treading water...

2011-01-28T13:20:00.004+01:00

There are times in life where you just need to remind yourself of all the good things so you can keep moving forward. So, I'll take a page from a good friend's blog and remind myself of all those things I'm grateful for.

-Being married to my best friend. This sounds so cliche, I know, but it is no less true.

-How varied the people I have in my life are. How very unique each one is and the myriad of things they have brought into my life. I am so grateful for that.

-Good loose leaf tea. I love tea. All tea.

-The library. Man, I love the library. I know that this makes me a geek in some crowds, but what's not to love? It's bright, quiet, a perfect place to browse the aisles and get lost in your thoughts. Plus... they let you take books home FOR FREE!! That's right. Seriously. Free. You bring them back when you're done, but there are thousands upon thousands of books there. And they smile and hand them to you without a dime being exchanged. Don't you just love that? Seriously?

Right now, I have cookbooks, books on web design, a couple of interior design books, and a book about women's running (really interesting, all about avoiding injuries that are specific to female runners). Plus, I have an Eve Ensler book and an Anita Shreve novel out for when I want to lose myself in another world. For free! The library is pretty much the best invention in the world... after language and literacy of course. ;o)

-Being in the space I share with the one I love, even if he is far away. Everything reminds me of him. Shampoo in the shower, movies by the tv, his handwriting on little notes left around the house.

-Grocery shopping. I know, this one is a weird one. But whether I'm at the market or at the store, I love picking up things to prepare for meals. Since I've taking up cooking as a hobby, I've really come to fall in love with how a few simple, fresh ingredients can make a meal. Plus, when I'm cooking, I feel connected to all the women in my family and through the generations who have put a little love into feeding the ones they love.

-Having a pug in my life. Seriously. I grew up with dogs and have loved them all, but pugs are something else entirely. I never would of thought it, as I thought they were kind of goofy looking, but they are such incredible companions. The one that owns me is quiet and calm and sweet and friendly. What more can you ask for in a furry friend?

-Walks. With the pug. To the store. Or long, meandering walks with no special destination in mind. There is still nothing better to clear your head, put things in perspective, or just take a deep (well-needed) breath and remind yourself that everything will be fine.

-The way snow looks falling past street lights at night. I don't know exactly why this takes my breath away. Perhaps it simply reminds me of home.

-Salmon baked in cedar papers. Serious yumm.

-Poppyseed dressing on spinach salad. Also, serious yumm.

-Seeing someone else's point of view, suddenly and clearly. You know how this happens. Someone says something or does something that you can't possibly understand at the time, but then, one day, something happens and you go 'oh yeah... that's what she was feeling.' You don't always have to agree, but understanding the point of view is such a gift I think. It's the only real way that we grow.

-Friendships forged so that no amount of distance really matters.

-The little sign I have in my office that says
"Hallelujah! There is nothing stopping you from doing the type of work you want to do..... Aw, Damn it. There is nothing stopping you from doing the type of work you want to do."

Hee hee... this cracks me up and reminds me that working for yourself is both a blessing and a curse and that everything is possible, but after you dream it... you have to do it. This and the two signs by my computer that say "Shut up and start writing" and "Keep calm and make tea" remind me every problem has a solution, and it's usually to just keep moving forward.

Seriously awesome!

2011-01-22T15:03:00.002+01:00

This is still the funniest things I have seen in forever! So great if you need a little cheer up.

2011-01-18T13:38:00.005+01:00

There comes a point, in the preparation for a deployment, when it hits you. Hard.

It's usually something small that is the undoing. Grocery shopping together for the last time, watching the pug follow him all around the house, tripping over one another in the kitchen preparing dinner, or a drive past the place where you will see him off when the time comes.

No matter how well prepared, how much you have to keep you busy, or how much quality time you spend together in the lead up, it never really softens the blow.

I am so lucky. I can't even explain everything that he is to me. I will never, ever be able to put it into words. But my favourite person in the world will be getting on a plane soon, and although he knows it, I can't ever say it enough:

I would wait forever.

What's inspiring me these days:

2011-01-17T12:27:00.005+01:00

As I prepare for many months on my own in Germany, I'm turning to the things that keep my mind busy and enlightened. Here are a few of the things that are inspiring me lately to get off my a#$ and into the world.

Oh, libraries, how I adore you. You keep me from spending thousands of dollars on books a year (which I would definitely be doing without my library card. I am a book fiend.) I've written about my love for libraries on my blog before, but I must be completely honest, it is more than love... it's a full fledged love affair. I think that access to libraries is one of the most wonderful things us humans have created. Think about it... starting as a young child, no matter your social standing, access to books makes the world a more level playing field. Learning to read, and then continuing to learn new things throughout your life... it is truly a gift.

Lately, I've been taking out books on European travel, French cooking, web design, and gardening. I simply LOVE LOVE libraries!!

I love Lynda. Lynda.com is a web site that hosts tutorials for a monthly fee, mostly on web and graphic design as well as computer programming and a wide variety of related topics. I love to read, but when it comes to computer software, after you read, you much watch and do to really learn it. I love Lynda!

Etsy.com is another one of those fabulous creations of our generation. I love that homemade is making such a serious comeback, and I find myself constantly inspired by the other women out there creating on a daily basis. If it's handmade with love, you can find it on Etsy. Gone are the days of hideous crochet and cross-stich... today's women are creating everything from stationary, prints, and hand stitched bags to jewelry and books. So inspiring!!

With the Christmas gift of a sewing machine, I'm preparing to re-teach myself how to sew. I did it quite a bit back in college and the year or two after, but now I'm ready to take it up again. It's amazing how much time you can find for yourself when you turn the tv off! :o)

Epicurious.com rocks! I have been going back and forth between Julia Child's cookbook and this terrific website (just added their app to my iphone as well). I made their French Onion Soup the other day and the hubby is still raving about it. They have tons of vegetarian recipes, so that's helping me keep my veggie-resolution on track (for the most part).

I really love cooking. Wine here is so incredibly cheap that I can easily cook with red or white wine without breaking the bank, and there are so many interesting new ingredients to play with at the local grocery stores. My little kitchen has two huge windows that let me look out on the world while I'm trying a new recipe.

I am feeling very lucky and inspired, and will be doing my best to keep busy and make the next many months fly by. Plus, by the time C. returns, I'll have learned a few new things, got a few more recipes under my belt, done some gardening and gotten the puglet and myself back in shape.

Here's to making the best of Sundays... ;o)

What a difference some UV rays make...

2011-01-16T10:57:00.002+01:00

Ah yes, the sun does still exist. I was starting to wonder. We have had so much cloud cover and rain in our little portion of Germany that I was starting to wonder if the sun had simple gone on vacation and forgot to leave a note.

Today, the sun is shining. And for the rest of the week it promises to do the same, but I'm a little confused by the weather here in general. You see, everyone said "it won't snow much until January. January is when it snows the most.", but we had so much snow in December that I was sure I was back home in Canada, although it wasn't as cold as back home. It stormed and snowed and the roads were sheets of ice and we learned that it's the law to have snow tires on your car in Germany... and we learned why.

So, after weeks of this in December, we couldn't even imagine what January must be like... but the month failed to rear its ugly head. Instead, we've had rain and cloud cover and moderately warm temps. And this week, the temperature will get to around 9 celsius in the day and be sunny.

This has led us to the gardening supply store (which has already set up rows upon rows of flowers, bulbs and plants for outdoor planting) and to the question we are slightly afraid to ask...

"Was that it?"

Was that all there is to winter here? Are we into Spring already?

At the end of the week, the temps will drop again and we are promised some snow, so I can't help but feeling a tad schizophrenic. Last month I was bundled to the gills in winter clothes, yesterday we were gardening. What season is this exactly?

I hope it's Spring... oh please... please let it be spring. Our secret garden yard is looking mighty sad minus all the leaves from the various trees back there, and although I have never gardened before (except alongside my mom or grandma as a little tyke) I am so looking forward to digging in this year.

With our next separation on the near horizon, I've been making plans to keep myself busy while my best friend is overseas. I'll work, keep developing my web design skills, garden, re-learn sewing, keep up the french cooking and almost-vegetarian diet, travel home to see the family, and hopefully get a few visitors to our casa here in Deutchland.

It's never real until after he leaves, so for now, we are enjoying the little things and making plans for his return. We call it "that Sunday feeling". You know, when you are having a great day with the ones you love at home and then it dawns on you that it's Sunday, and work will take you away from where you want to be the next day. Deployments are like that. Sundays. Months and months of Sundays.

Motivation...

2011-01-10T10:23:00.004+01:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about what motivates us, individually. Why each goal requires its own motivation and why the rewards have to be so uniquely chosen.

I'm a very visual thinker, which works great for a career in graphic design, but also means that I literally need to SEE results in order to feel that I've accomplished something. I need constant reminders of what I'm working towards and why, otherwise my goals fall by the wayside.

The thing that has always worked best for me is to set a goal, define some action steps and set out my reward. By setting a realistic goal and setting out the steps I need to make it happen, it breaks it down into something I can imagine doing. The reward, of course, must be personally motivating and needs to be something I'll deny myself until I get that goal.

For some reason lately, a lot of people have been talking to me about motivation. Motivation to start doing something, motivation to stop a bad habit. It has me thinking a lot about what personally motivates me. This is the worksheet I designed and use to set my own goals. I'm very visual, so I need to print it out, write things out, and keep it somewhere where I can see it every day.

It sounds silly, but it just works for me. When I feel stuck in a rut, or simply afraid to try something new, I get this thing out, write it all down, and start on step one in the action steps.

The trick for me is to figure out a reward that will be motivating enough to keep me going on this particular goal. If the goal is small, say, to take Ezra on a walk every day this week, then the reward might be to buy a new book, go to a movie, or pick up one of my favourite foods at the grocery store (mmmm... crab legs...). When the goal is bigger, such as to teach myself web design by mid February, the reward is a bit larger, such as a mini road trip or some new clothes.

I don't exactly know why this works for me, but I think that breaking things down into action steps makes me realize that everything is possible. Obviously, sometimes, the goals change midway through, and the trick is always to make goals that are achievable in a timely manner. Yes, I may want to get in the best shape of my life, but that is not really a goal. Instead, I make a goal for the week, and another for next week, to hit the gym or walk the dog a certain number of days a week. The funny thing is, as the weeks go by, I am working towards that thought of being in great shape again, but I'm doing it a week at a time so I don't get frustrated with my lack of progress.

I'm sure there are people out there who just make goals and follow through automatically (my little brother is one of them!), but that has just never worked for me. Procrastination is my frenemy many days, and although I fight with her often, without a set plan of action, she usually wrestles me into submission and I find myself watching movies instead of working, studying or cleaning house.

What works for you? What motivates you? And most importantly, how do you keep procrastination at bay?

Fresh starts...

2011-01-06T12:27:00.002+01:00

Today, the weather warmed up to about +4 and the rain began. It will warm up to 8 by the end of the week and it will also rain... all week. Yay! :o(

But, I have some studying and housework to do, so at least I won't be chomping at the bit to put down the books and get out into the sun, since there will be no sun to get to.

In other news, I fell off the meatless wagon yesterday and into a delicious pot of Boeuf Bourguignon that I made with the help of Julia Child's cookbook. It was delish! But, I'm not going to beat myself up too bad for my stumble, since I was doing fairly well the rest of the week and I can climb aboard the wagon again.

I definitely feel like I have more energy on days I go meatless, but I also find that it requires a fair bit more planning of meals in advance then I am used to. I've managed fairly well by keeping lentil soup in stock, as well as plenty of veggies and canned chickpeas and frozen soybeans to add to meals for some protein, as well as cheese. I love cheese.

I'm still eating seafood about two or three times a week, so that allows for some more variety, but I will soon have to learn some new veggie recipes to keep things varied and fresh. I also need to track down an asian grocery store nearby as I'm dying for rice paper rolls and nori... mmmm...

Okay, back to studying. And housework... ugh.

Quiet winter mornings…

2011-01-05T09:36:00.001+01:00

Winding down from the whirlwind holiday season and already missing having my parents around, I’m sitting quietly with the pug, teaching myself web programming and contemplating how to try out a recipe from Julia Child’s cookbook.

I have handled my blog with kid gloves for over a year now because I had become afraid of who was reading it and how much they would know about my life. With my husband away at various times of the year, it becomes a matter of personal safety not to let on about where you live or where you’ll be on any particular day. Ironically, I started writing my blog so my friends and family could follow me on my travels, but after realizing that someone I had never invited along was listening a bit too intently, I shied away from being more candid in the one place I always thought I could be.

Blogs are such a contradiction of ideas. They are open and honest, but obviously edited. They are like writing a journal that you leave open on a cafe table. Some people stumble upon them, others who know you in life keep up with you online, and although I appreciate everyone I have met, through this blog and in my ‘real’ life, I have also learned that the internet makes it very easy for people to follow you, even if you thought they were part of your past and even if they don’t have the best intentions.

I’m still debating abandoning this blog and starting another one elsewhere, but I have written in this space since 2005 and it is not something I want to walk away from. I hate feeling bullied, particularly by someone who was trying to insert themselves into my life when there was no place for them.

I need to feel safe here in order to write. I need to be able to talk about what’s happening on any given day. How do I get back to that space?

More photos from Venice...

2011-01-04T10:36:00.005+01:00

Paris. City of Lights...

2011-01-03T11:57:00.003+01:00

I love Paris, as I seem to fall madly in love with all big bustling cities. I love the mixture of cutting edge and tradition, the close beehive of life that exists within its streets and the food that stops you in your tracks, no matter how much of a hurry you're in.

While many people exaggerate the food or sights during their travel, remembering the feelings they had while on vacation not just the place itself, let me tell you that Paris is exactly everything you want it to be. The food is something you simply cannot go your whole life without experiencing. It is divine.

I, myself, prefer the incredibly complicated uncomplicated foods of the middle class restaurants of Paris. There are some incredible high end places to visit for a splurge, but with a little investigation of local bloggers or asking the concierge of your hotel where he eats, you'll be able to step off the beaten tourist track and really experience parisian dining at its most authentic.

I can't describe, it just won't do it justice. The sauces, the broths, the roasted vegetables and fresh breads and cheese... oh my. Not all food is created equal. Not even close.

Resolutions...

2011-01-02T10:17:00.004+01:00

I love the idea of making resolutions. The opportunity to learn more, change, adapt, be more patient, less hurried. I love the idea that we can be better this year than the last. That we always have the opportunity to grow.

This year, my resolutions are mostly about discipline, finding balance, and learning something new.

1) Give up red meat, chicken, and pork.
This one started on the 30th of December and so far so good. I haven't given up eating fish and shellfish, and so far that is not my goal. This mostly has to do with eating better for my body. I may, down the line, reintroduce meat once or twice a week, but I ate very little when I lived abroad (other then the Galbi-fests we would have), and I had the most energy and felt best when it was a minimum part of my diet. Luckily, I love vegetables and legumes and have traveled enough at this point to have seen a large variety of ways to incorporate them into dishes that I don't anticipate it being too difficult an endeavor. Stay tuned in case I fall off the meatless wagon and bump my head on a prime rib roast. ;o)

2) Start running again.
I have had a couple of good starts, but with the moonsoon rain we experienced and then the dropping temperatures and snow, I completely chickened out and hung up my running shoes. The plan is to start hitting the gym on Monday and to work my way back up to running a few times a week. We'll see. This and the meatless thing is where the discipline comes in. (Course the fact that I'm sitting on the couch at the moment in my pjs, thinking about the ribeye my hubby is hiding in the fridge would not bode well for my first two resolutions. ;o)

3) Keep in better touch with the people I love.
I am very, very blessed by the wonderful people I have in my life and the fact that we all pick up wherever we left off when we talk on the phone or get together, but I need to be better at keeping in touch. No matter how far away we each are or what we are going through, your friendships are what help to define your world and cushion the hard times. If we were so inclined to stay on our own islands, we would not be so adept at building bridges and boats. My plan here is to start letter writing. Some handwritten letters, other emails, and keeping up with the weekly phone calls (cause hearing someone laugh out loud really can change your day).

4) Keep redefining what my career can look like.
This one has been a long time in coming. Since going abroad, I have adapted to the job market in each new place we've lived. Teaching, graphic design, marketing, public relations. I've continued to build on my knowledge and experience with each new position, but I was never able to take the positions with me, and so was forced to look for work each time we moved (which was a lot). This move to Germany was the first time I took control and really questioned that approach.

When we first arrived here, I started looking for jobs, and was interviewed as a coordinator for the Red Cross here in Germany. The job sounded really great, but when they called me to take the steps towards hiring me, I suddenly realized what taking the job would entail. I would have the job while we lived here but when it came time to leave Germany in just a few years, I'd be forced to change jobs yet again. It seemed that I wasn't able to really build anything, but was forced to rebuild with each subsequent move. Plus, working for someone means showing up somewhere for a set number of hours each day, and only having a week or two of vacation time a year. Growing up with an entreprenuer for a dad, you come to see how much pride in your work you take when it's yours alone, and although you will work much harder than if you worked for someone, you will be able to make your own hours and work almost anywhere.

I love living abroad. I love navigating new territory and the adventures that go along. I also love working. I love graphic design, and learning new things about the computer programs I work with, or new ways to put things together into a magazine ad. Graphic design fulfills my creative and practical sides. It's art for business.

And the greatest part about it, is that I can do it anywhere. From any room in my house, from any country in the world. All I need is an internet connection and my computer. I had freelanced before, while between jobs or during our moves, but I hadn't really thought about doing it full time, until my husband and my dad, on the same day, asked what was stopping me from doing it. And i just didn't have an answer. It was off the beaten track, not the usual way to have a career, but hadn't I lived off the beaten track for the last six years. Hadn't I taken the leap when I moved to Korea?

So, I did something radical, at least for me. I sat down and wrote out my idea of a successful career. What 'success' meant to me. If you had asked me ten years ago, it would have looked very different. It would have focused on one path with the end goal being a degree of prestige, a large salary and a lot of stuff.

What I realized when I took out what I thought I was supposed to want and what I actually wanted was that I wanted a lifestyle, not just a career. I wanted the freedom to travel, as well as the freedom to work as hard as I could to build something. I wanted to set my own schedule and work incredibly hard, but be able to take off the afternoon when I'd finished my work.

So, here I am. My goal (just to prove things to myself) was to make more money in the first few months working my own hours then I would have made working 8-5 at my last job. I am proud to say I did. So now, I need to decide how this all will look and proceed. It is not all roses, working independently is tough. You have to be motivated to teach yourself new things constantly, deal with lack of motivation, and it can be lonely sometimes, as well as very stressful when a deadline approaches and you are the only one who can get it finished. But I just may have figured out how to make a career that still lets me have the life I've been building. Stay tuned...

5)Learn something new each week.
Sure, I learn new things every day, but making a plan to learn something new keeps me from falling into the ruts of doing only the things I know and are comfortable with. I will try new recipes, work on my sewing, keep learning web design, take free online tutorials and classes, listen to podcasts, read about new places to travel, and generally try new things. I won't like everything I try. I won't be good at all of it, or want to keep doing it, but the trying is the key. I learn so much more about myself when I push myself out my comfort zone.

Well, that's all for now. Five resolutions and a year to put them into action. I'll post our pics from Venice and Paris soon, but in the meantime, Happy New Year everyone. Here's wishing you a year of beginnings.

Venice...City of water...

2010-12-16T09:05:00.003+01:00

We have been in Venice for two days and have walked all over seeing the sights. It's really beautiful. Imagine a bustling city, remove every last one of the cars, and add about 200 boats. The police drive boats, the postal service drives boats, the bus is a waterbus, and the taxis are shiny wood boats as well. It's incredibly beautiful, like a movie set, and the food has been incredible.

We've been getting a kick out of watching all the Venetian dogs walking around in their stylish coats and vests. Everyone is dressed to the nines and the shopping is everything you imagine.

We'll head back to Germany in a few days, but for now, exploring the islands that make up Venice is a pretty wonderful way to mark the days leading to Christmas. Having my parents and hubby here to share it with pretty much make things perfect.

Wishing you all a safe and happy holiday, wherever in the world you find yourself this year.

Bring on the snow!

2010-12-06T20:34:00.002+01:00

It snowed all day today. All... day. Didn't stop once, and it was those big fluffy flakes that clump together with more fluffy flakes in the air and come tumbling down on your head. It was fabulous and awful, depending on whether you were watching if from the comfort of a chair by the fire, or trying to drive in it to finish up the last of your christmas shopping.

Luckily, being a Winnipegger, I am well-versed in winter driving, and this was put to a test today several times.

I shoveled the sidewalk in front of our house three times so far, and I'm thinking I'll do it one more time before bed so there isn't a crazy amount there in the morning.

The Germans keep saying that it doesn't normally snow this much or this early, and they generally seem kind of bugged with this inconvenient storm, but the buses are running, the streets are cleared, the shops are open and the Christmas market is chugging along... so what could be so bad? Slow down on the roads, dress warm and wear good boots, and cuddle up to the heater or fireplace once you are indoors. The snow won't last forever.

I love the fluffy flakes though. I put on my big (fake) furry lined boots and clomp around in it. The pug is less impressed, but pugs are really more built for afternoons by the fire.

Just a few more days til the parentals visit, and we are super excited!! We've been setting up their guest room, stocking the pantry, and hoping upon hopes that Venice doesn't sink before we get there.

Yay for Christmas and loved ones and big fluffy snow! Just stop the snow long enough for them to get here safe and sound, and we'll be all good. :o)

2010-12-02T08:14:00.002+01:00

Sipping a hot mug of coffee and looking out on the snowy landscape as the world goes by, I am very, very thankful. There is something about the chill of winter that seems to bring everything in, closer together. People congregate in restaurants and shops. Families sit closer together and watch movies. We all inch closer to toasty fires and snuggle into warm sheets.

I love the sun, the warmth, the air of spring and summer, but there is something so beckoning about winter, provided you're dressed for the cold.

My parents will soon be arriving for Christmas in Italy and Germany. I have not yet seen Italy, so Venice will be a wonderful introduction to a place that has always been on my list. Although I can't wait to show them the Christmas Markets and all that Germany has to offer (I am certain various pastries will be on our horizon), I am mostly looking forward to the small pleasures of spending time with the people you love. Having my husband and parents in the same room at the same time, long talks in person (rather then over the phone), walking through shops with my mom, and gathering at the table for dinner.

I could not be more in the Christmas mood if I tried this year. I have finished wrapping, packing, and shipping presents off to loved ones far away, I have been listening to Nat King Cole's Christmas album, we've visited two Christmas Markets before December 1st, and I'm already searching through boxes for the Christmas ornaments.

Bring on Christmas!!

Friends in faraway places...

2010-11-28T21:21:00.002+01:00

I got a chance to chat with two fabulous women that I am lucky enough to call friends this past week, and I am so grateful. The more years that pass, the more I realize the value of these friendships and how life can get in the way for a while, but we can still pick up where we left off the moment we need one another.

Thank you, to all the fantastic people in my life who are there for long talks, late night chats, dinners out, dancing til the wee hours, and a variety of other adventures that we've tacked under our belts.

Here's to making sure we have many more in the future. Love and miss you all and thinking of you as the holiday season approaches.

Christmas Market, oh how I love thee... let me count the ways...

2010-11-27T00:11:00.002+01:00

It's another week in Germany, and another Christmas Market under the belt. This time Heidelberg, with pug in tow. Ezra decided to join us on a day in Heidelberg and he got to do some Christmas shopping, walk around the market, and eat in a restaurant (well, he didn't exactly eat, but he sat quietly under the table while we did... and he got treats afterwards!).

I don't think I've ever been so thoroughly in the Christmas spirit this long before Christmas. Yay!!! Plus, it helps that my Ma and Pops are arriving in just a couple of weeks to share in the festivities. Yay!!

So, if I haven't convinced my girls to get on a plane and come for a visit (there are four in particular I am thinking of), I thought I'd throw in the pic above for extra incentive. Every single pastry and delicate baked good you can imagine. Get your butt to Germany ladies!!!! If not for me, then for the chocolate and strudel!!

Love ya and happy weekend!

2010-11-23T09:03:00.002+01:00

I have been thinking a lot about the advice that a good friend's grandmother once gave her and she shared with me:

"You can have it all. You just can't have it all at once."

...and the advice that my grandmother gave me when she gave me her wedding ring:

"Never settle for less than you deserve."

I wrestle with these two concepts often as I know many in my life do. We want everything we are capable of, but it is just not always possible to have it all at once.

I want to travel, to see the world, and to have my family nearby. I want my husband to be able to do his job, but not to ever have to deploy. I want to build my career, but have time to spend with those I love when they come to visit. I want a lot of things.

For those of us who broke with convention and lived abroad, we opened Pandora's box. We got the chance to see that there are a hundred million different ways to live your life without following any particular path previously laid out for us. Since then, we've been wrestling with the pull of the conventional things that we want and the unconventional things that we now know we need. And it is difficult to ask those we love to understand and stick by us.

My family has been endlessly understanding about my need to live abroad. But that doesn't negate my want to have them nearby and to see them often. Compromise is the name of the game as an adult, and wrestling with when and where to compromise is the trick, it seems.

I don't have any answers or advice for anyone. All I know is that you can love the people around you, you can take care of them and provide for them, but you too deserve to have your own fabric to sew. Our mothers and grandmothers, through their support and hopes for us have given us opportunities that they may have only imagined. The chance to carve out our own path. To choose to follow whichever one we want.

It's a wonderful place to be and so difficult. The issues of marriage, children, where and how you live, they are all real choices now, rather then an expected truth. The trick though is that you can plan with your head, make all your choices based on rational thought, but the heart wants what it wants. And life seems to be about balancing the two.

Things that are making me smile...

2010-11-16T10:54:00.003+01:00

My good friend's blog reminded me how important it is to be thankful for the little pleasures that make up your days. So here are the things that are making me smile today:

- a sleeping, snoring pug at my feet

-the opportunity to build a real career that I can take with me during each of our moves.

- hot tea on a cold afternoon

- a hubby that rented me the movie "Whip It" and is totally supportive of my decision to become a professional roller derby queen (just kidding) (sort of) ;o)

- an office to work in with big windows, a high ceiling and both of our artwork on the walls.

- my Roomba, which is sweeping and vacuuming my floors as I type this. The world with robots is wonderful!!

- my parents arrival on the horizon!! Christmas with C. and my mom and dad, too wonderful for words!!

Adventures in France

2010-11-15T10:14:00.005+01:00

This weekend, we drove to France (only an hour and fifteen minutes) to explore an antiques and flea market. This was our first indoor market (not to mention our first time driving to France) and we didn't know what to expect, but it was fantastic!! The drive was beautiful and the market was enormous with so much to see and eat!! Tarts, waffles, cookies... oh my! There were even people dressed in masquerade costumes (see Beauty and the Beast above).

You can't even imagine all the things that they have at these markets. Burberry jackets, antique chairs, paintings, cookies, china cups, old photographs, even a giant Lego mouse and a stuffed badger holding a tray for drinks (yes... very odd). You can wander for hours and not see everything. Our approach is usually to only consider buying the things that jump right out at us. So far at markets, we've bought a crazy looking china rabbit, a big fat fish cookie jar, a German pharmacy sign and an old printers drawer (that I'm planning to retrofit to keep my jewelry sorted in).

C. and I are always especially drawn to old signs and advertising, since I am a typography nut, so we bought a big street sign from a city near Luxembourg to add to our collection (we now have a sign from a German pharmacy and a street sign from Chicago).

Here are a few photos from our Sunday afternoon in Metz, France. Perhaps you need to come and visit?

One of my favourite memories... Koh Yao Yai, a Muslim fishing village in Thailand

2010-11-14T10:51:00.004+01:00

The headscarves are the only colour on the boat and they fill the seats like a rainbow. They watch me with the kind curiosity in which I watch them. They gossip and share fruit and calm fidgeting children.

They are beautiful and unique and warm. There is a sisterhood here that you can see, even as a stranger to their culture. They are watching me with such interest. I am obviously a foreigner. I am obviously a woman traveling alone. I wonder what they think of these truths.

One women, alluring eyes and bright yellow, embroidered scarf. She uses nearly flawless English. She builds a bridge.

They cover their heads and 'we', the 'free' western women judge them. But they do not cover their eyes. Not a single one is wearing sunglasses. I can see each set of stunning brown eyes in a hundred different shades.

They talk on cell phones. They share their watermelon slices with me. They are exquisite. Even with the beautiful scenery of the Thai islands all around me, they are simply the most captivating thing in sight.

From a book I've been writing forever...

2010-10-31T23:30:00.005+01:00

I cannot pretend to know what happened here. I can walk through the halls of chipping plaster and fading paint but I can't seem to step inside.

I can see you standing at the window, half empty cup of coffee in hand. I can see your fingers lose their grip on the delicate handle. The spot in the tile that absorbed the force. Your body collapsing against the wall as the news washed over you and came to rest upon your life.

I was not there. I was not yet a soul in this world. But years later, as I came to love you, I would sense this long before you would describe the event. The way the floor looked covered in the pieces of your china cup.

I have been trying to forget the image of you lifting yourself unsteadily from the floor and walking across the room to the door, out to the garden. Trailing blood from the cut on your knee to the place in the yard where you stood, for just a moment, before your legs buckled beneath you for a second time.

It is here that he finds you. It is here where he stands, just inches away, with an envelope that neither of you needs to read. It is here where the entire story begins to show through the frayed curtains of time. The beginning of the beginning and the end of the end.

Lazy afternoons...

2010-10-23T17:44:00.002+02:00

The pug has decided that hibernating is the way he would like to spend his winter. Lost in the warmth of an unmade bed or curled up on a pillow beside the fireplace. There may be something to this line of thought...

First morning of frost...

2010-10-22T11:41:00.003+02:00

I awoke this morning to a landscape covered in a thin frost and a definite chill in the air. There are moments where I am reminded so much of Canada that the homesickness is palpable. I have been fortunate throughout my travels to have the people I love follow me through this blog on all my journeys, and through emails and phone calls, I have always felt as though they are still a huge part of my life. But with the passing of my 5th anniversary living away from my original home, I seem to be more and more aware of how much I am missing in the lives of those I love. Maybe that's why I'm so excited that my parents are coming to Germany for Christmas!!

I went to the library yesterday and took out some recipe books and Christmas craft books
(Swedish Christmas Decorations anyone?) and with this morning's frost, I could feel the excitement start to build. I love Christmas, at the best of times, but moving away from your home makes you unbelievably grateful when you get to spend time with those you never meant to leave behind. I will do some grocery shopping with my mom, let her take over my kitchen (since I'm hoping to learn some of the tips and tricks that make her such a great cook), and decorate the tree with my dad. I love that C. will be getting a fire going while we all sit and talk and catch up, and that I can finally show them a small part of the incredible hospitality that they have shown us for all these years.

For me, winter has always been about small pleasures. More so than any other season. In the winter in Canada, you are wrangled by the weather. There is only so much time you can spend outdoors in Winnipeg in -20 degree winds. But it makes you so appreciative of a warm fire, a cup of hot chocolate, good food with great people. There is something about cuddling up on the couch with the person you love and watching a movie, a pug warming your feet. This year, he will be here for Christmas, which is the only thing I could ask for this time of year.

And it might just be the Canadian in me, but I love snow more than is normal for most people. I love the silence of a snow covered landscape. The way it blankets the ground and changes the scenery completely. I love the twinkle of Christmas lights against the ice and snow. I am still like a child the first snow. I can't help myself but go out and stand in the flakes, catching them on my mitts.

Is November 1st too early to put up Christmas decorations?? I think not!

Today, we will dress as Little Bo Peep and her little lost sheep, and head to a Halloween party. I promise to include some photos next post, as C. in a sheep costume from head to toe is probably one of the most awesome things I have ever seen!!

2010-10-17T09:04:00.002+02:00

The List
I am forever making lists of things I want to do, or do next. A surprising number of them actually do get accomplished but several always seem to find their way banished to the bottom of the list time after time. Here are a few things that I would like to accomplish this coming winter. I figure that if I put them on here, and am forced to be accountable for them, then they are likely to guilt me into submitting to their varied whims.

1) Learn to knit. I started this one in Texas, but alas, in the 40 degree celsius heat, it just didn't make sense. The move to Tennessee created the same issue, but here in Germany, with the chilly autumn settling in, my knitting skills (or the ones I'm about to acquire) can be put to good use!

2) Write. Write everyday, write often, write crap, eventually write something good.

3) Start running again. Seriously. Not just for a few days or a week. Run. No excuses. No hiding from the rain. Just put those shoes on and GO!

4) Take one photo, every day. Don't just grab the camera on trips, start looking for the photos in the world just outside my door.

A spiritual experience in the kitchen?

2010-10-16T17:26:00.004+02:00

In an act of defiance against the dreary weather we've been experiencing this weekend, I decided to make a fresh salad and some iced tea with lime. As I was cutting up the basil and the radishes for the salad, a rather odd thing happened.

The radish smiled back.

Actually smiled. Wide, grinning, happy as a clam.

I pondered for a moment the meaning of this. Some people see the Virgin Mary in a pancake or the face of Jesus in a coffee spill, but me? I see happy faces in radishes. Perhaps Mother Nature does in fact have a sense of humour and she chooses to express it in radishes?

The oddest part was that this happy face did not appear on any other slice of the radish, only this one. I couldn't bring myself to eat it... just yet anyways. A photo or two was in order.

Chocolate covered fruit and ferris wheels, oh my!!

2010-10-16T09:30:00.002+02:00

On any given weekend in Germany, you can find a festival or fair taking place in a neighbouring town. This weekend, it's happening right here in our own backyard. Walking distance from our house is an awesome little fair, complete with amusement park rides, a gigantic ferris wheel, games (such as my favourite Pop the Balloons with a Bunch of Darts), and stand after stand selling fresh pretzels, hundred of different candies, chocolate covered fresh fruit, crepes, and of course, bratwurst in its many forms. Welcome to heaven.

I love how Germans are ready to just get up and go. They go to wine festivals, markets, amusement parks, city cafes. They visit the surrounding gardens, pack into the zoo, suit the kids up for a day at the park, and all the while, their televisions remain off, allowing them their time in the sun and the fresh air.

Today is Market Day. Fresh flowers, baked goods, just picked apples and beautiful veggies. The weather has been beautiful all week, but rain is threatening the weekend. Still, we'll get outside. Walk the pug. Maybe hit the gym (as it misses us sorely), and continue to find a way into our new home. It may have taken me til I was 30, but I think I might be learning the true meaning of 'balance'.

A little of this, a touch of that.

Oh, and freshly made croissants never hurt either.

2010-10-12T16:44:00.005+02:00

This is the fourth country I'll be working in, the fourth where I will need to redefine what I do for work while we are here. It's exciting, of course, but also confidence bruising and tiring as I figure out the best plan for the next three years. Work from home, freelance writing, design, photography... or take a full time position somewhere? Get back into working with kids (which I miss to a surprising degree), or keep on the marketing kick that I've developed so much experience in? Go back to school and work towards a Masters?

I've done pretty well bouncing with the changes. Preschool teacher in Korea, graphic designer for a magazine in Texas, design and marketing in Tennessee, so I know it's just a matter of wrapping my head around the next stage. So many things to consider...

More photos from recent adventures...

2010-10-11T20:00:00.004+02:00

A few photos from recent adventures...

2010-10-11T19:35:00.005+02:00

2010-10-08T17:23:00.003+02:00

Not too long ago, in so many words, someone asked me why I blog. I'm not entirely sure why I do it. I think that the act of moving to another country in 2005 required me to have a way to document it so that I wouldn't forget the little things that made the time so memorable.

Last weekend, we took the train to Paris and explored on foot and by Metro. We saw the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower at night, ate incredible meals, wandered through Notre Dame Cathedral where the statue of Joan of Arc brought me to tears, and walked along the Seine River. I saw the Mona Lisa and almost got lost among the Louvre four wings of art, but it is not these particular things that made me love Paris. It was the same thing that made me love Seoul from the day we landed: I love letting a city engulf me.

There is something undeniably thrilling about having a map, a good pair of shoes, a partner in crime, and a sense of adventure, as your only company in a city of millions where the language is not your own. I have tried, and failed, on many occasions, to describe while I feel most myself when I am in that situation, but I am not sure I will ever be able explain.

I love standing in a crowded subway car and letting the languages wash over me. I love the back streets and tiny shops of a well worn city. I love the myriad of ways people speak without talking, the kindness or frustration that slips past their eyes when they realize I don't speak the language, the appreciation I feel when they kindly correct my pronunciation or respond in my native tongue.

Travelling like this, with a map but not a plan, it leaves so much open, so many chances for memories to be made. It reminds me of all the different ways to approach life and some of the simple truths that, for me, have persisted:
- A little confidence and courage go a long way.
- A sense of humour makes everything easier.
- If you look for differences, you will find them, if you look for similarities, they will be all you see.
- Life will teach you what you need to know, no matter what you are hoping to learn.
- A smile and sense of humility will take you a long way.

In the end, I realize that I blog because, in doing so, I get to relive each trip, each memory, each adventure. I get to look back as I write this, and again when I reread it down the road, and be in the streets of Paris, riding the crowded Metro, standing beneath the Eiffel Tower holding the hand of the man I love.

2010-10-05T22:17:00.003+02:00

There is something so foreign and fantastic about a neighbourhood at night. I leash up the pug and disappear into the fresh air of an autumn evening and everything looks completely different. Instead of the colour of the changing leaves, I notice the shape of the cobblestones. Instead of the size of the houses, I notice their angles, their windows lit up with the lives lived behind them. Everything seen during the day changes shape in the evening, and I am simply entranced.

I have always been a night walker. I used to only jog at night, feeling the evenings cool air slip past me. And as much as I love spring, claim summer, adore the winter holidays, I have to admit that autumn is the season that calls to me most. At no other time do I so actively reflect on the past, take weight of the last year, and regroup for what is to come.

What does autumn mean for you?

Some of my favourite quotes from Sufi poet, Rumi (and some I am still learning)

2010-09-21T08:27:00.003+02:00

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
________________

It may be that the satisfaction I need depends on my going away, so that when I've gone and come back, I'll find it at home.
___________________

Since in order to speak, one must first listen, learn to speak by listening.
____________________

You suppose you are the trouble
But you are the cure
You suppose that you are the lock on the door
But you are the key that opens it
It's too bad that you want to be someone else
You don't see your own face, your own beauty
Yet, no face is more beautiful than yours.
___________________

Out beyond ideas of right thinking and wrong thinking there is a field... I'll meet you there.
___________________

But don't be satisfied with stories, how things
have gone with others. Unfold
your own myth, without complicated explanation,
so everyone will understand the passage,
"We have opened you."

Start walking toward Shams. Your legs will get heavy
and tired. Then comes a moment
of feeling the wings you've grown,
lifting.
__________________

Fortunate is he who does not carry envy as a companion.
_________________

You must ask for what you really want. Don't go back to sleep.
_________________

Load the ship and set out. No one knows for certain whether the vessel will sink or reach the harbor. Cautious people say, "I'll do nothing until I can be sure". Merchants know better. If you do nothing, you lose. Don't be one of those merchants who wont risk the ocean.

Heidelberg, here we come!

2010-09-16T11:52:00.006+02:00

We spent last Saturday taking the train to Heidelberg and exploring the city. I can't even begin to explain how beautiful it was, so I'll post a few pictures instead. We just had our DSL hooked up today, so I'm busy just browsing the internet and enjoying being linked to the world beyond our borders again. I definitely don't miss having television, but the internet, I do adore thee.

Love and miss you all at home. I'm toying with the idea of creating a website that is exclusively related to our travels here, and that would give information for others who are here as to how to get places, etc. But I'm not sure just yet if that's the route to take. I'm hoping to do some more freelance writing soon, and now that I have the internet, I can actually start to make that happen... but first, we have guests arriving early next week for 10 days! I think you'll agree that a trip to Heidelberg is a must!

A sneak peak...

2010-09-07T16:06:00.001+02:00

2010-09-07T13:54:00.002+02:00

We ventured out to an antiques market this weekend and found ourselves eating Nutella and banana crepes while browsing the hundreds of stalls in the afternoon sun. Quite the way to spend a Saturday. We managed to find an awesome working German pharmacy sign (apotheke in German) and a big fat fish dish which will soon hold treasures such as candies and cookies for guests.

The sun held out all weekend and we made it to the Garden Center, an area right in the city where there are just acres upon acres of gardens. Vineyards where you can eat a few grapes, trails where you can walk for miles, and in celebration of the coming autumn, animals constructed out of squash and pumpkins. It was quite a sight!

I've taken photos, but we are still unpacking and putting up photos in the house, so I haven't had a chance to take them off my camera yet, but it's all really taking shape. Our house feels like us... a little quirky, comfortable, and unexpected touches in every room. We have managed to raid Ikea on several occasions, Ezra now has a bed in almost every room, and C.'s man-den is taking shape. I am working through the boxes to set up my office, and although all the papers and odds and ends threaten to take over at the moment, I am slowly wrestling them into something that resembles order.

The light in my office begs for creative work and writing, but I am still stalling and I'm not entirely sure why. For some reason, I feel as though I don't deserve all of this... as though it's just a little too much for one person to be able to ask. It's silly, I know, and there are of course frustrating days, as there always are when you live in a country where you don't yet speak the language, but not since Korea have I felt so in the moment.

I have time to try new recipes, take Ezra for a long walk, write, read, learn German... and yet I'm a little afraid to head in any particular direction in case I wake up and realize it is all a dream.

We made this all possible together. We both took big risks and ended up in the same place, at the same time, halfway around the world from where we started. We took another risk that love was enough to bridge all the gaps and thousands upon thousands of miles. We've worked hard and both sacrificed so we could be together and see the world... and with a little luck it's all worked out.

Growing up, I could never seem to imagine what my life would look like down the road. I could never seem to picture it. Maybe I just wasn't capable of imagining this. Sunlight pouring across my desk, a pug asleep beneath my feet, people I love in several different countries, a fabulous partner to share it all with and a future that is only limited by my courage and imagination. Long ago, I made peace with the fact that my life would never look the way most people's did. I accepted the fact that the story of us up to this point would cause many people to judge or be caught off guard. I understood that many people who loved me would want different things for me then the choices I have made. But I am so happy. Everything, good and bad, everything led me here.

"... this path, this road, that one perfect straight line even if it goes around the world and through heat and fog and rain and snow and it's my life I keep thinking. It's my life." (Deborah Keenan, "Small History"

2010-09-04T09:45:00.002+02:00

The leaves here have begun to change in the most subtle way. The dark green hills slowly showing signs of yellow and red and the air crisp and cool from sundown to sunrise. I love Fall.

Like most everyone, I adore the warm sun of summer on my shoulders, but there is something so intimate and peaceful about the Fall. The cool air begs a few more moments under the warm covers in the morning, it requests soft sweaters and comfy socks. There is something about the smell of wood burning fireplaces and the crisp pages of an as yet unread book, that reminds me of Canada and makes me feel most at home wherever I've lived.

This is a long weekend for us (an American holiday but not a German one) and we took a drive through the nature park yesterday and found ourselves continually awed by the beauty of Germany. Rolling hills, trees as tall as you've ever imagined, farmland cut beautifully into parcels of colour.

Today we will venture down to the market which takes place twice a week. Pick up some fresh fruit and veggies, then maybe drive to the beautiful town of Trier or Idar-Oberstein. I'm hoping to finally break out my camera, since everything has been such a whirlwind and I have just been enjoying things first hand.

Hopefully, our mountain bikes will find their way to the hundreds of miles of trails this weekend as well, but for now, I think some tea and the warmth of the early fall sun will do just fine.

Love and miss you all back home. Always thinking of you.

Looking back and looking forward...

2010-09-01T14:19:00.003+02:00

It's hard to explain how you can feel so at home in some places and never able to in others. The places I have felt most nestled into have many of the same traits I am coming to realize;

-The ability to be surrounded by people but still find space to get lost in your thoughts.
-The opportunity to walk places, to the market, the bookstore, the library, restaurants and cafes.
-A time for nestling into warm sweaters and extra blankets.
-Being with others who have a general thirst for life and adventure.

When we lived abroad before, it was on different terms. I had every freedom imaginable while he was tied into the rules and regulations that came along with his job at the time. This time, our life in Germany, is so familar for me and a new adventure that puts us both on the same ground. We are both new to this... to the language, the food, the culture, the landscape. And yet, it feels so much like home to both of us.

I think I was simply built for this. Living abroad, navigating new territory, finding a way into each new place. I am not sure why I found this so difficult in the states, but since it seems likely that we will live there again one day, I am hoping to figure it out.

I know that I'm not the only person who has felt out of place in a particular country, and two of my favourite girlfriends have been through this feeling quite recently. Are we simply prone to the need for change and travel... or is it that once you've had a taste of the world beyond your borders, it's impossible to be tied to one place?

We will be here for several years and there is so much to explore: Germany, Italy, France, and on and on and on. I greatly hope to see Africa before we leave this side of the world, and to get back to Seoul for a visit to the place where we first found each other, but for now, I am enjoying exploring the world just beyond my new door. The city on foot, the early morning market, the trails that the pug and I have yet to conquor. It is everything I imagined... and feels so much like coming home.

2010-08-24T13:07:00.002+02:00

I am finding myself constantly drawn to the style of dress here, inspired by the hundred different ways that people choose to express themselves. By the young girls who trade the tight, short skirts that American girls often favour for soft, flowing fabric that covers them and is elegant in a way that most women only ever strive to achieve.

I love the scarves, in their myriad of colours, fabrics, and patterns. On more then one occasion, I have found myself staring at a women, not for the tightness of her clothes, but the elegant and confident way that she carries herself. Youth is not the only thing relevant here. The elegance and confidence that inevitably comes with age is highly regarded here. It would be a great rarity to find a German woman wearing sweatpants in public, unless she was in fact working up a sweat at one of the local gyms.

Whether they are pushing a stroller through the market or meeting friends for a Saturday evening dinner, Germans are well put together and stylish. No one is hiding their bodies beneath layers of unflattering and cheap fabrics, very few are trying to cram themselvs into an outfit only their 18 year old daughter would wear. People are dressed to flatter their different shapes, and whether they are 16 or 85, they are quite simply beautiful.

It seems a strange thing to come from a place that puts so much focus on youth and a particular body type to a place where women are beautiful, strong, and still feminine. The term 'letting yourself go' takes on a whole new meaning here. Is this what would happen if us North American women stopped comparing and tearing ourselves down for a specific physical ideal and instead embraced whatever weight and age we found ourselves at? This Canadian thinks so. ;o)

Love and miss you all at home. Come visit and give me your opinion.

Will the paperwork never cease?!

2010-08-11T23:31:00.002+02:00

I have added a new title to my resume... File Clerk. We have now officially signed more papers, made more copies, and carried around more folders then I ever did in either university or my working life. Argh!

Everything has been going incredibly well and we've been getting stuff done in record time, but we are both officially exhausted and I cannot seem to shake the cold we fell ill with on Sunday. Ever since I ended up in the hospital in Korea with pneumonia, the simple cold always seems to attack my lungs, threatening me with bronchitis. I definitely let myself get run down this past week with all the running around, meeting and greeting we've been doing, but I've been resting since then and still haven't quit shaken it.

Tomorrow, we get the keys to our new home and on Friday, our first of three shipments arrives including our bikes, yippee!!! We'll check out of the hotel on Saturday and then we'll officially be living in Germany (not just visiting)! I'm so excited to have my own kitchen again, and Ezzie can't wait to see his new yard. C. is most excited about his man cave, which he claims is more like a man 'sanctuary'... although I think movies and video games may find their way into his place of peace. ;o)

We spent this evening having dinner at an outdoor Italian restaurant and just enjoying the pedestrian only streets that we will soon call home. There were moments when I simply was... simply happy... simply lost in the moment... simply here. Living abroad forces you to step beyond the things that make up your daily life, step beyond your comfort zone and take notice of everything you were taking for granted. I have not yet learned any other way to do this. I tend to settle too easily into what is when I am back in North America, and forget that there is still so much that could be.

Tonight, I sat under the stars with the man I love, thinking about all the people I love and how they always feel close even when (for now) they are far away.

Love and miss you all back home.

One week in and the adventure is well on its way!!

2010-08-08T16:53:00.003+02:00

We have been in Germany for 8 days now and we've got our car, our license, we found our house, made some wonderful new friends and found our way around without getting too lost.

This week has been one hell of an adventure!! Finding our house online was fantastic and when we made the appointment to see it in person we were blown away. It is absolutely perfect for us and walking distance to the huge pedestrian center in town. There is even a little yard for the pug.

Germany feels eerily familiar... I can't seem to get over it. It reminds me so much more of Canada then the U.S. did in many ways, and the pace of things as well as the priorities are so much more understandable to me. Outdoor cafes, bikes everywhere, festivals, so many people reading newspapers and books... I too may be in heaven.

Photos will soon follow, but I have not yet been able to locate my camera cord to download photos from it. Once we get settled in the new house next week, I'm sure I'll be able to track that down though.

Our lives have already drastically changed here. We have been walking all around, sitting for hours in cafes and restaurants people watching and enjoying great meals. We spent Saturday at a restaurant in the park drinking water and German beer and meeting a wonderful group of people and watching them ballroom dance to a live band. We were even dragged out onto the dance floor to try our hand at the fox trot (it looked a little more like the fox shuffle when we did it, but c'est la vie!). Then we had a phenomenal dinner hosted by C.'s boss at his home. His spouse has set the bar incredibly high for the most amazing cucumber soup I think is possible in this world... yumm!! (Whatever we ate today continued to pale in comparison to that incredible meal!).

Around 10, we left the dinner party to attend a foam party with one of Chris' co-workers and his wife. Watching the 16 year olds who were attending the party enjoy a beer was a little strange, I must say, but when their parents came to pick them up at midnight (the curfew for 16 year olds at clubs and festivals with alcohol) I was truly wide-eyed. They can't drive until they are 18 here though... so there is definitely still a balance. And honestly, I think I only saw one person truly drunk the entire night, unlike any club you go to in the states or Canada.

Driving on the autobahn is really interesting. I was a little scared at first, but if you just think of it as a freeway or highway with well regulated rules, it's much easier. Then of course, a Ferrari or Mercedes test driver speeds by you at an average of 200km an hour and you feel like a turtle going 120km. Still, people are very aware of the speeds their cars can handle, and even the fastest drivers of the most amazing sports cars handle them with respect. You get a real sense that the Germans recognize that the autobahn is a privilege and drive accordingly.

Well, I think a nap may be in order, since we've been going full tilt since we arrived. Love and miss you all at home, so start planning your visits now!! We have room and can't wait to hear what you think of this country we will call home for the next several years. :o)